8/13/15 Wandering Thoughts

I feel fated

to be constantly adjusting

Foreign to the World

at the break of every dawn

Energy focused on holding, weighting, settling.

Expectations 

Where do you work

How much schooling have you had

What's your relationship like

Do you have kids

Stop 

Learn about who I am

outside of what you think I should have done

by the tender age of 23

...

Do you ever feel like you might
overflow
You are belly-ache full of emotion
and don't know how to let it go
Laughter gurgles its way up to your mouth
you bite it back
maybe it's the last thing that'll grace your lips
before you spill out
every word you never said
In bed at night you dream up
a list of things that might make you cry
and pray, under your breath, for relief
You once saw a movie
where a man went and screamed into the ocean
releasing his woes upon the tides
The things inside you are too much for the sea to carry
too wretched for the shore
You might be more suited for a cave
where every syllable can echo out,
skim the walls, and fall back onto you
Give space for your aches to finally erupt
to lay out in total heartbreak
carve names and dates into the stone
begging them to seep in and stay

Misc

They say that distance can be good for a relationship

each touch will seem softer; each kiss sweeter

As if you won't take for granted 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Absence makes the heart grow fonder but

what if the heart is fond enough?

I find myself measuring out emotions

Maybe this is a habit of all anxious people

Something inside me breaks 

Hungry heart, greedy heart, heart like a black hole

Heart always begging 

What have I ever been besides a girl

living heart first, brain second

Baths

I spent a lot of time in the tub
resting my weary legs and my aching bones.
For the first time in my life I understood
the need to be cradled.
I took inventory of the spaces and the places
where water pooled
And was surprised to find
myself no less whole than before.
Slowly I stretched my legs a little further,
let my shoulders fall open
and found joy in taking up so much space.

Unfinished thoughts

Love like food

Don't know how good it can be until the right person cooks

Story of leaving

Always running after

Stop to rest my legs

Find wanting in the leaving

Who knew I was capable of being wanted

lotion soaks into my skin 

dissolving like honey in tea

Sun pours over my body

like a wanderer at an oasis

Hands on my curves

Like braille

Ideas I can't shake, but can't turn into anything good

Feeling invincible after our fights
unbreakable

World tried to tear you down
Tried to tear yourself down
Have to believe when life leaves you empty

Shadows of your body
whiff of your scent
whispers of our moans

I never said thank you

Thalassophobia

I am a collector of irrational fears

The most notable being my fear of sea creatures

Which is also the most oxymoronical

because I am a child of the water and it grounds me

I think it stems from my natural connection

to the first memory I have of my step father

when we went to the aquarium in England

I get claustrophobic just thinking about the walls of fish

and I was scared and crying 

The claustrophobia and fear and crying are a repeating theme

in memories of my step-father

In the car crying, hyperventilating, puking

every memory I have is linked to that

There was a casino in Reno, where we lived in the house with the purple walls

An escalator took you past these big seahorse statues

that spouted water and looked so huge and menacing

It was in this weird hallway not around anything else

and I spent every trip down being both fascinated and terrified

Our fights always felt a little bit like drowning

and  he was the monster under my bed

but no worse than the terrors of the sea