After.

I want to take some time and reflect on something that I think about often. This is something I can't always vocalize, but I am going to try today. Be patient with me. 

*WARNING: This post has mild-moderate language and contains mention of rape/abuse/etc. Please read with caution*

We all live rollercoaster lives. We have all, at one point or another, gone through something awful. Then slowly we all had to learn how to keep on living after. I have been thrown back to this point over and over during my life. I seem to have constantly woken up only to realize that I had to keep going. Each dip in the rollercoaster delayed my progress in one way or another. I forgot how to breathe, how to smile, how to love. I was suddenly a blank slate and I couldn't remember how to live after.

My rape and molestation occurred at a very young age. As such, I can't provide insight on how I got through it initially. I don't know how I slipped my tights back on and greeted my mother with a smiling face when she picked me up. I don't know how I made it through doctor's appointments and classes with male teachers. I don't know when I remembered how to play, or color, or run, but I would say it was something of a miracle. I remember being very angry when I was young. I was so angry at my step father. Maybe I was scared of him, too. I remember the ugly inside of me before the first time he hit me. I swear I could feel it growing with every outburst. He would tell me just how awful I was and I would believe it. I cried so hard I hiccuped and gasped for air. I think I grew worse, harder, uglier, with every time he would hit me or yell at me. I think I internalized all of his hatred and held it inside of me until I finally broke.  I remember the day my therapist finally coaxed it out of me that I had been raped. I learned that I may never recover years of my memory because that was how my mind dealt with it. My body had become my own savior. My mind had decided it hurt too much. My mind knew I was too scared. So my mind took all of those days and locked them away. It threw darkness over them and it built walls so strong and tall that years of therapy never broke them down. So after the first fall, my body operated on pure instinct. I trudged forward like every other young lady because my body was already to strong that it was able to pretend like nothing was wrong. 

The first time I harmed myself, I remember clearly. I guess we could call this the rise to my second fall. I'm not sure I recall what lead me to it. Maybe I had read about it, maybe I had seen the scars on someone else. I just grabbed a knife from the kitchen and took it to my room. I sat on my bed, lights off, and I stared at the stars. I was so scared that I flipped the knife over to the dull side and dug into my wrist. The deep wound I caused would welt up and now, even 10 years later, those are the scars that remain. Not long after, I was plagued with mental illness. The easiest to diagnose was depression, though later they would change it to manic-depressive disorder. This stretch of 3 years could be its very own rollercoaster, as far as I am concerned. The dance I did with the illnesses, the medicinal side effects, and the therapy was dizzying at best. Each day I had to re-learn something I had forgotten. I remember each and every day I would hit a wall. I would just be consumed with paralyzing fear. I would cry, I would shake, and I would forget how to breathe or think clearly. I remember fighting with myself just to stand up, take a step, and get dressed. It was a constant struggle to remember how to live. One day it was "but how do I live after I relapsed again?" The next it was "but how do I live after hours of flashbacks and nightmares?" Every single day was full of re-learning. It was the most exhausting time of my life. 

It crested and it fell the night I laid awake in the E.R. with a stomach full of charcoal and a heart filled with fear. I believe, fully, without a doubt, that I am only here today because of some twist of fate. The poison control lady told me I waited too long and would have irreparable damage. The doctors made a point to tell me almost the same thing. I probably damaged myself permanently and it's surprising that I lived. I don't like to remember that night. I can still tell you how I felt when I swallowed the pills. I can tell you all about the black hole that swallowed me up. I can tell you how even in my time of despair I took the time to count the pills and swallow them in pairs until I was being eaten alive by 72. I can tell you the exact moment that the fear smacked me in the face. The moment when I looked at the bottle, looked at the clock, and panicked. I called the only person in the World that I thought would help me and would not judge me. From across the country he called poison control and he called my stepmom and he helped save my life. I remember how angry he was, how angry she was, how angry everyone was at me. And in that moment I remember that all of their anger just felt an awful lot like love. As we sped through town, running red lights, I cried and I shook. I couldn't believe how scared I was to die. I couldn't believe how sure I was that I was, in fact, going to die. I remember thinking that I would be laying in a cold E.R. when I died. I can tell you in great detail all of the emotions and thoughts that I went through that day. What I can't tell you is why nothing happened. I have no damage to my liver or kidneys. I have no holes in the lining of my stomach. My heart functions fine and I have had multiple MRIs and CAT scans that verify it. For some reason that I am still not sure of, I came out of that night unscathed. 

In my immediate stint in the psychiatric ward, I took baby steps. I had to remember how to speak to people. I had to learn to swallow the pills. I had to learn to roll over and get out of bed each day. I literally felt like I was all the way back to square one. I am not sure if those days in the hospital made anything better. I drew a sense of security from that place. I felt like I was around people who understood what it was like. I was so happy knowing people were watching me, taking care of me, and I wasn't ready to go when they released me. I was scared of living again. I didn't think I could do it without the hospital. I struggled and I fell so many times after this. I failed at so many things. You guys, I honestly didn't know if I was going to make it out of the place I was back then. Then one day it changed. One day instead of feeling ashamed, I felt angry. Instead of feeling helpless I felt determined. Instead of feeling like going through the motions, I felt like I wanted to fight. I don't remember this day but this was the day that sparked my fire. Something inside me had finally grown. Something beautiful inside me decided that it was better to take the hard road. As huge as this was, it was another time when I had to re-learn everything I knew. I weaned off of my medication slowly. I replaced all of those chemicals with love and strength that I had somehow managed to scrounge up. I did stupid things just to get out of the house. I let the beauty of the World heal me. I let the wide openness of the road soothe me. I let the sunshine chase away the darkness and it was so scary. Every step of recovery frightened me to death. I didn't know who I was without my illnesses anymore, so I had to learn. 

It might sound crazy but I spent an entire Summer figuring myself out. I took a poetry course online, I laid out in the sun, I got my first tattoo, and I spent time meeting myself. I took naps that Summer. I took a lot of photos of myself. I wrote a lot of poetry and I tried a lot of things that scared me. By the time Summer ended, I started to like myself an awful lot. I started to see that underneath all of the ugliness that I had been harboring, maybe there was someone worth being. I believe that I have been given a mind, heart, soul, and body that are unremarkable. Even when I had no idea how to move on, how to progress, how to stay afloat, they remembered. Something inside of me has been made so strong by nature that it has had the force to pull me out of the deepest whole, the darkest pits, and carried me in my weakest moments. I wish I could pinpoint this part of me. I wish I could write it down on paper and share it with people who need it. I wish I had a secret to share with everyone who is hurting but I don't. 

Every single day I am trying to remember how to live after. When I get sad and I let myself cry, I remember that this is sadness after soul swallowing depression. When I cut my apple into slices before I eat it, I remember that this is being picky after life halting OCD. When I grip the steering wheel and take a deep breath, I remember this is anxiousness after a debilitating social anxiety. I will never feel like I am normal because I have been on the other side. I go through the day exactly the way I do because this is my life after. I live each day in the shadow of the life I used to live. It's humbling. It's grounding. It's worth every single struggle. 

I Challenge You

People are always discouraging the act of wondering. They are always saying to avoid the what ifs. I'm going to take some time to tell you why I disagree. 

I lay in bed and I ponder about my life. I take time to go over all of the many blessings I have. I acknowledge all of the good and I take time to be grateful for it. I may not always take time to go to the gym, to stretch out my sore neck, or to pray, but I do everything in my power to never forget that I am lucky and I am loved. 

Now I know that right now I am living a good life. I have bad days and I have trudged through bad years but I live a life that is good. Overall, I am successful in very aspect of my life. I'm not going to say that everything I have has been given to me, though. I have earned the life I live and I am proud of where I stand. My marriage is wholesome and strong because we work on it. My job is respectable and full of opportunities. I put in the effort to keep learning, keep asking questions, and keep familiarizing myself with the programs. My friendships are shaky, but they are deep set. Time, distance, and life can get in the way but I try to keep the emails and phone calls going to remind them that they are loved and missed. 

I am human. This is a fact I like to remind myself and that I think you can probably stand to be reminded of as well. We are not perfect. We have not been created to function without error. Every once in a while I take a trip down to the land of what ifs. This is a bit of a scary journey because the land of what ifs has two paths. I sometimes wander over to the mindset where I am certain that the alternative is better. Maybe the day was boring, rough, or long. I go ahead and think about how many better jobs are out there. I dream of just how perfect and calm another city would be. I even dabble in the idea that I would be somehow happier or better if I had chosen another partner, or if I hadn't yet chosen one at all. If you're reading this and panicking either because you think I am going to act on these whimsical ideas or because you, too think this way sometimes, calm down. This is the dangerous path of what ifs. This is the kind of mind set that we need to avoid in order to retain the happiness we have. It's a good mental exercise to pull yourself away from that land and try to look at things more logically. 

I like to think about where I might be if I had gone to college. For starters, I would probably not be with my husband at all. I would be living in a state I've likely never been to, surrounded by people I'd likely be too shy to meet, and I would work a part-time job to try and keep my head above water. I would be racking up student loans like crazy and as such, I would probably ensure I had no social life so that I could focus completely on my studies. It's been 3 years since I graduated highschool so maybe I would be about to finish my degree. The fact is, I would have a very new set of problems. I would deal with completely different financial strain. I would experience a whole new level of loneliness. I would fight another set of every day battles. Life may be better in some ways, but seeing the big differences between that life and the one I live makes me okay with my decision. A part of me will always wish I had gone to college. A part of me will always be curious if I could have followed a different career path with a degree. But the important part is that I validate my curiosity and my fears. They are a part of me and I allow them to exist. I do not allow them to dictate my life. 

I often wonder how life would have gone if I had put off marriage. Maybe I am with my ex, or maybe I am engaged long distance. The idea behind this line of thinking is that maybe I would be more in touch with who I am. Maybe I would easier be able to distinguish "wife me" from "me me". Maybe I would take more time in the shower, be more dedicated to running, or have a bigger wardrobe. The thing I know for sure is that I would be scared. I am very comfortable being a wife. I dress nice and wear make-up because it makes me feel sexy, not because I feel the need to. I am confident in my right to be who I am all the time because I know my partner will not run. I eat right and exercise for myself, not to excite someone into speaking with me. 

My point here is that every single life alternative is just that, an alternative. You would be switching your current joys for new ones, your current fears and struggles would only be replaced with a different set. There is no other reality where everything is magically better. As with everything else in life, you can't have it all. I think it is important to logically look at your what ifs and use it as a way to better the life you do live. If college is an incessant hang-up then maybe I need to be more involved in my job or maybe I need to find a new job. If past relationships are a hang-up then maybe I need to mend those friendships or cut them off entirely. You need to look into the past. You need to look at the what ifs. You need to validate all that is in you even if it is bad or scary. You do not need to turn these curiosities into regrets. You do not need to give power to the negativity. 

Some of you might think that this act is pointless. Maybe you feel completely happy with the life you have, exactly the way it is. My question to you is: are you ever done growing? This exercise is not to challenge your way of life. This is not something that should make you see your day to day life as anything less than you did before. This is all about growing. I believe you can always learn more about yourself. I think you need to spend time with your fears, your regrets, and your demons. I think you need to look into the closets where you store your skeletons. I encourage you to spend time getting to know yourself. It's so easy to forget that we must practice self exploration and self love in order to thrive. 

Spend some time this week on getting to know yourself. Maybe write a list of goals, maybe make a collage of dreams, maybe try and face one of your fears. Pick up the phone and call old friends, make that apology you keep putting off, reach out to someone you know has been hurting. Life is just one long string of challenges. You have so many choices to make and so many chances to grow. Step outside your comfort zone and see where it takes you. 

Motherhood...

Today I want to write about a subject that is very special to me. 

I grew up for the majority of my life with my father. I was a tomboy by nature and I loved being out on the farm. I had no trouble making friends with boys and eventually I learned how to make friends with girls, but not quite as well. In sixth grade I came into a spectacular set of friends and each of them had a really fabulous mother. In this mish-mosh of adopted family members, I slowly learned all the things that girls are suppose to do. They taught me how to braid, how to straighten my hair, how to shop. I learned how to cook, how to do puzzles, and how to pamper myself. But in this incredible web of mothers I learned so much more. I learned of a love that is so expansive that there is always space for one more. A love so sweet and magnetic that just pulls you in and holds you like a child. A love so pure and good that it was never tainted by the miles or the fights or the mistakes. I was shown all the ways that love can heal. I was taught the many languages of love. I discovered a million ways to show your love. 

I always knew that I was blessed because of the family I had. No matter what problems I had, there was somewhere to turn. For every heart ache was a set of arms offering a hug. After every fight at home there was an open bed nearby. I was raised on the love of women who never had to love me. I had mornings, nights, and holidays in the front room of different families and they never complained. I don't think I've ever had the words to say to my family of mothers. I don't think I've ever known a way to express the endless gratitude. All I know to do is to keep fighting, keep growing, and keep making waves. All I hope is that they will be proud. I wish I could find a way to tell my mothers that they will be loved and cherished a million times over because its true. I want to tell them that in everything I do, I have the strength because of them. I want to tell them that I will never forget the car rides, the family meals, the trips to the beach, or the hugs. I want to tell them that it's only because of them that I know who I am. I want them to know that because of the power of their love, I aim to love just as deeply and sweetly. I am good because of my mothers. I am me because of my mothers. I'm a fighter above all else because of my biological mother. I am in constant wonder because of Hannah's mother. I am grounded in my faith because of Autumn's mother. I am expressive and joyful because of Ellie's mother. I love simple pleasures because of Bestema. And, maybe most importantly of all, I know that one say I too will be able to pass all of this onto my children because I have seen it in Hannah's aunt Julie who is Nora's mother. 

In all my days I have only known one thing to be true. One day I want my very own child. I want all of the fear and the stress, the sickness and the pain, the beauty and the love of being a mother. I don't know when and I don't know how but I know I am meant to be a mother. When my husband returned from deployment I was very sick. My doctor advised that I remove my IUD because my body was ready for babies. We decided to try to conceive for a few months. Shortly after, we believe that I experienced a chemical pregnancy. I didn't ever get a positive pregnancy test. I had very severe symptoms and when I began to bleed, I'll save you the details, but I can tell you it wasn't a natural cycle. Months later the doctors told me I had an ovarian cyst. I was tested for PCOS more than once and tests were negative. No testing was done to see what type of cyst it was or to try and remove it. When we moved back home, I experienced another incident where I felt very pregnant. This time I was a day late on my cycle before the symptoms stopped. The way everything turned off instantly and the way I felt when the bleeding hit, I knew. This one wrecked me. I was just so torn apart that I was so bad at this. I was so mad that it had happened more than once so we took even more precautions. I was physically and emotionally exhausted after the second time and I just didn't think I could handle going through it again. I started to go through everything in my head. Maybe I could never have kids. Maybe I'm not supposed to have kids. Maybe I am going to need thousands of dollars worth of treatments to have kids. 

I knew earlier in life that miscarriages ran in my family. I was always thinking of that when we tried to conceive, but I thought I'd be luckier I guess. I thought maybe I was immune somehow. I don't know how to explain to you how painful these experiences were for me. I am young, I am healthy, I am married and I have a great job. I thought I was finally going to fill in that last puzzle piece and then it was torn from my hands. I had so much love for these babies that didn't even exist yet. I was planning, I was researching, I was begging these little clusters of cells to stick and grow and become everything I ever wanted. When my husband and I decided that kids should wait a few years, it was hard. I knew he was right. I knew we didn't make much money and that we didn't want to stay in Mobile, but it was my dream. 

When I finally found it in me to tuck away the dream of being a mother, I felt kind of lost. Suddenly I was asking myself what I wanted to do forever. My job felt like a death sentence. I suddenly saw myself being stuck at a desk, retiring, and never accomplishing anything. I threw around tons of ideas. Did I want to be in the medical field? No. Did I want to be a cop, a fireman, an EMT? No. I decided that what I really wanted to do was go. I wanted to go and see and learn. I wanted to feel free and young for a while. I guess i felt like losing the identity of mother really made me feel like I needed to find myself again. There's got to be more than me. I have to find something for me. I have to find what makes me tick, what makes me itch, what makes me happy. But when I find that thing, when I chase it down and I use it up and I am the best at it that I can be, I think I know where I'll come back to. I think that in the end, no matter what country I'm in or what is weighing down my pocket, I will always want to be a mother. I know there is no proper substitute for a life that is founded on the purest of love. I know there is no drug quite as strong or drink quite as stout as a mother's love. In a few years I'd like to move somewhere with snow and sunshine, somewhere that really feels like home, and then I want to live my dream. I think the first time I hear that sweet voice call me Momma, I will truly find my purpose. 

An Extra Large Helping...

So an idea hit me square in the face today. Maybe I have NO IDEA how the World works.

I used to love that society had so many labels. I felt safe and normal as long as I could pick out who I was. I got to file myself away under things like 'Democrat' and 'Christian' and then discuss with people who were filed away with me. I thought this made everything so much easier. It occurred to me recently that I don't really feel so comfortable with these labels any more. I feel like I am living some sort of alien life. Maybe it's called growing up, or maybe it's called being totally clueless. I just don't know anymore.

One topic that shined a light on my personal crisis is also something I touched on recently. This motivational poster has caught fire. I mean really, this thing has been blown out of proportion. It's one of maybe five trillion posters with a fitness model and the phrase "What's your excuse?" You've seen one before, right? Of course. In fact you have probably seen one in the last week. This poster is not new or controversial in any way that I can see, but the one posted by Maria Kang has started some sort of giant shitstorm. You all know that I advocate body love, self acceptance, fat positivity, and so on. You all know that I fully support every single body type ever. I also do not stand for bullying. But, to me, this isn't bullying. This was not posted or directed at a group of overweight women. It was not part of a speech for an Over eater's Anonymous meeting. This was posted on her personal facebook page. It was posted for people who choose to follow this woman's fitness endeavors. So my crisis is fully encapsulated in this one topic. I am absolutely aghast over the response this poster is getting. I have seen so many people who claim to be body positive just lay into this woman. I have seen so many hateful blog posts, facebook comments, and emails directed at Maria Kang. I have seen some shameful bullying coming from a community that is supposed to be challenging this type of behavior. At the same time, this community is drilling the idea that they are outraged over the body shaming in the poster. I don't see anything about this image that is negative. If someone wants to ask for a promotion and they keep bringing it up and you know they deserve it...are you wrong to tell them to stop making excuses? If someone has been fawning over a pair of shoes that they insist they will wear and they can afford and they deserve a treat but they haven't bought them yet...are you a jerk for telling them to stop making excuses and just buy them already? I know it sounds like I am over simplifying the issue but I really don't think I am. I think everyone else is over complicating it. She made it for her audience to inspire them. She did something that has been done over and over. She is trying to be a role model for the people on her page and she is being made out to be some sort of monster. So here is my failure to fall into the fat loving community by defending the "fit mom". 

I have to admit that I have never been a very big political person. The truth behind this is that politics go way over my head! I try to follow the important issues and only speak when I have an educated opinion but it is much less than I would like. I am 21 years old and due to different circumstances, I have never voted. I would say I lean towards Democratic ideals but, admittedly, I just can't get behind every single thing our President does. I feel like I disagree with too many things to be totally comfortable with standing by a specific party. I also feel that it is my duty as an American to always vote for the candidate who is the best option, not the one who most represents their party's values. I feel a twinge of guilt when I think about my stance on more controversial things like abortion or healthcare reform. I think that people expect me to support these things 100% but I simply can't. I try to look into each topic to the best of my ability and then make a decision and honestly, I don't always follow the popular opinion. I believe that making a stand for these opinions is a big part of being an adult and I am willing to face that. I am also not ashamed to admit that sometimes I don't know enough about a topic to have a definite view on it. That is what discussion is for, right? So there ya go. I am not a very good Democrat. 

I am, despite what many might think, a Christian woman. By the simplest definition I am saying that I believe in God. I'll even go as far as to say I have read most of The Bible, attended many different church services, and tried to live a life rooted in wholesome values. Where it gets tricky is when I try to make a list of things I do and do not believe. Maybe you could say I am a picky Christian, or perhaps you believe that I am not a Christian at all. You're wrong of course but I can't change your mind. For example, I do not believe that The Bible is quite what it has been advertised as. I do believe that in reading parts of The Bible you can glean some of God's teachings. I do believe that there are stories in The Bible that properly illustrate the glory of God and his love for us. It's the parts about Heaven and Hell and some other things that maybe I don't have complete faith in. The thing about faith is that you have to believe and so I choose to believe the good and not believe the bad. I like to believe in things like second lives and the beautiful cycle that is completed when our mortal bodies provide sustenance for the nature around us. More so, I don't think Christian values are exactly what people have been chalking them up to be. I would say that things like love and kindness are more God-like than condemnation of sinners. I guess that makes me just like all the people who think that God hates homosexuals because of the Old Testament but keep running around in polyester like it's no big deal. I would say that God's power of forgiveness is the most beautiful thing in all of Christianity and that in excluding people who have done wrong you are only muddying it. So I'm gonna go ahead and let my relationship with God continue to grow completely separate of my slutty clothes, my foul mouth, and my radical self love. I think he's got the space to love me just the way I am. 

In these ways and many, many more, I spend my time feeling like a big hypocrite. I spend time dwelling on the idea that I am just too much. I have too many thoughts and feelings to fit into these tight labels that people carry around. I am bursting at the seams with all of these things that simply cannot be classified and I guess that's the way I am. So I am sorry that I am not sorry about who I am. I might hit you out of left field when I speak, but please know that I only speak with the passion that fuels me. I might leave you speechless with something I advocate for but please know I only advocate with the love that warms me. I might educate you on something that shocks you but please know I teach only what I know to be true. I have always been a little much, but I think I'm just the perfect amount. 

A Dose of Sunshine

Alright y'all I have A LOT on my mind this morning! The number one thing on my mind is probably on your mind too. How tired are we of the news, our emails, and our social media being filled up with a giant shitstorm of negativity? First thing in the morning I am sipping my coffee, listening to the birds chirp, and reading about the newest upset in our government. What a drag! I don't avoid the internet though, because I have some stellar friends, family, and role models that keep on posting the love. So today, I want to be the cream in your coffee, the sunnyside up to your egg, the sleepy morning hug. 

DID YOU KNOW THAT THIS WEEK IS BODY CONFIDENCE WEEK? 

Instead of posting a video on how we get negative views on our bodies or about the struggling of body confidence, I am going to post this video. I picked this video because it is women of different shapes, sizes, colors, heights, etc. Look at all the things they love about themselves! This video makes me very happy.

I'm a little vain so I'll just list some of my favorite things. I have strong, thick legs and I love them. I have high cheekbones and straight, shiny hair from my Native American side, a round nose and strong brows from my Italian side, and dark body hair from both. I love that eventhough I am separated from my heritage, I carry it in my features. I'm also pretty crazy about my booty. 

Now, on the topic of the government, there are two particularly cool stories that have surfaced. I want to go ahead and highlight them here. First of all, can we talk about these veterans storming the World War II memorial? Some people might disagree, but I think this story is fabulous. Going to the memorial and paying your respect is free and is a beautiful thing. For these vets to take charge and get that moment of peace really makes my heart happy. Watch it here!

Probably my favorite story though is the story of Chris Cox who has been taking care of some of D.C.'s memorials. When the memorials and parks got shut down, he rode his bike at night making sure no vandalism occurred. As time went on though, trash cans filled up and the grass became unruly. He took it upon himself to start maintenance on these landmarks. Not because he is making a political statement, not because he is trying to start conflict, and not because he wanted media attention. Cox simply did what he felt was right. He didn't want these beautiful memorials to be treated poorly. "You don't get a lot of opportunities to serve your country, so when one pops up, you better be ready to go with it". Here's a video of him trying to recruit more volunteers. I absolutely love this story.

I just want to add in here that his choice has caught on like wildfire!!! Military families are taking care of the Arizona Memorial at Pearl Harbor and it is a beautiful thing! This is a movement I can stand behind 100%!

Probably my ultimate favorite thing in the World right now is partially a person and partially her cause. If you haven't already, please watch the video below. This is an exclusive interview with Malala Yousafzai, a sixteen year old who is blazing the way for women's and children's education worldwide. She is wise and beautiful beyond her years. If you enjoy this video, I recommend looking up her UN speech on youtube as well. I feel that living in America with all of our resources, I am ashamed of how often people throw away their educations. We so often take for granted all of our blessings. Prepare to be inspired y'all. 

Another beautiful lesson from Malala that I want to share is her quote "If you hit a Talib with your shoe, then there will be no difference between you and the Talib. You must not treat others that much with cruelty and that much harshly. You must fight with peace and with dialogue and with education. Then I said I will tell him how important education is and that he would want education for his children as well. I would tell him 'this is what I wanted to tell you, now do what you want'. 

I pride myself in being strong willed, passionate, and I try to advocate to the best of my ability. Many things stir anger inside me because they are so close to my heart. I watch this video as a reminder. There is no good in battling anger or humiliation with the same force. There is no benefit when you speak out of frustration. If you give them a dose of their own medicine, you are no better than them. My goal as of late has been to respond only with educated facts and as much positivity as I can muster. I try to take a stand because it is the right thing, not because I am upset. I think it has made me a happier person. 

These videos are just a small sliver of the beauty in the World right now. Despite how closed-in and hopeless things might feel, try to step back and look for the sun. Let the goodness be your guide. 

I am a Dreamer...

You and I sang with the harmony of stars

in their dying moments, who look down

on the past and see the future

no less beautiful.

-Finn Butler

I find that people are often afraid to dream. As a child we spend countless hours asking the sun who we should be and never once do we reach the same conclusion. We are not afraid to name the creatures of the sea or draw the colors of the evening sky. When people ask what we want to be, our faces light up with the possibilities because no one has ever told us that we cannot. We don't know the definition of failure and we are infinite in our ability to dream. As you age, you slowly let go of things you use to dream of. Sometimes we let go because we simply change our mind. The worst is when we let go because we convince ourselves that our dream is unattainable. 

For this, I have two questions. 

1. Are dreams the same as goals? Are dreams made up of attainable things that are built on logic and sensibility?

2. Is there ever any harm in a dream?

My opinion is that dreams are vital to the human spirit. The act of dreaming is such an incredible experience. In a dream you can explore questions that your conscious mind is afraid of. Who are we? What is our purpose? What do i want out of life? In dreams we can figure out what we would truly do if life was without restraints. If nothing was stopping you, where would you go? Who would you go with? What would you accomplish? If all there was in the World was for you to seek out pure, unadulterated joy, what would that look like? These are the things that help us to grow. These are journeys in learning and loving ourselves. 

Holding onto dreams is possibly the most rewarding thing you can do. To say "I have a dream" is to say "I am limitless." A dream is the manifestation of you looking forward to something that people have told you is unattainable.  A dream is incapable of being bludgeoned or torn down. A dream is like a crystal ball into the future. A dream is something that is completely yours and yours alone. It was born of your desire and it grows from your fearlessness. Every time you say "Yes I can" your dream gets bigger. Every time you smile in the face of someone who has put you down, your dream gets bigger. Every time you get the courage to try something new, your dream gets bigger. 

To dream is to let go. Step away from the things in your life you cannot control. Step away from your fears, your failures, your past. Stretch your arms out to the future and ask yourself "What do you think is up there? What's ahead?" Don't be scared of what you find. Chances are you are going to figure out that your dream is the complete opposite of what you have. That's scary, I know. One thing that's nice about dreams is that you have to choose to follow them. They float about patiently, hoping you will take them along for the ride. 

Don't be ashamed of your dreams. People have goals, people have milestones, and people have dreams. Let yourself feel a little ridiculous. When people are going round robin about losing 10 pounds or moving to the country, take a big breath and let them hear it. You want to set your feet on every beach in North America. You want to see where your ancestors came from. You want to be the best MMA fighter people have ever seen. Just close your eyes and blurt it out. It's your dream. It's the heart and soul of the passion inside you and it is so beautiful. People, I think, reach a point where they believe dreaming is silly. They think that there's no use in conjuring up things they'll never do. They get older and they become experts at saying no. They become the king of can'ts, won'ts, and shouldn'ts. That's the easy road, I suppose. But if that's true, I dare you to take the hard one.

WORLDLY WEDNESDAY

Ha! I wanted to do a compilation post today because so many things are on my mind. Then I looked at the calendar and BAM! It's Wednesday so now this magical post can happen. My heart and brain have been out of control with news articles and a social media sandstorm this week. 

I want to start this off on a lighter note. I just have to say that I, for one, kind of love Miley Cyrus. This picture really says it all. I watched Hannah Montana a little bit when it first came out...and yes, I was way too old for it at that point. The show was cheesy and the songs in it weren't great but I loved Miley's voice right from the get go. When she turned 18 and went a little wild with 'Can't Be Tamed', I really dug it. Sure it wasn't sending the same all-American girl message as she did before, but it was exactly what I wanted to hear from a young woman. It was kind of empowering to me. She was 18 and she grabbed life by the reigns. She owned her sexuality, her flawed nature, her bad reputation. I liked bad girl Miley! In 2012 she did a backyard session. Her and her band covered songs like this and this and I was in love all over again. Her voice is so beautiful to me. I really liked her song choices, too. This session I think spoke volumes about what kind of woman she was underneath her public image. Now recently, as we all know, Miley has been trying out some new things. I can't say that I'm entirely fond of the racial implications of some of her newest work. I know that adopting aspects of hip hop culture isn't a new thing (see Eminem) but I think she takes it a little far in her video for 'We Can't Stop' and also in her VMA performance. However, this is just about the only thing she has done recently that deserves to be criticized. Do you think that Miley needs to "put on more clothes", "act her age", or "make music like she used to"? That's just too bad. Stop googling her, ranting about her, and buying magazines with her on the cover. You have that choice, so choose it. I was reading her Rolling Stone interview and I realized that I forgot she was only 20. Then I got to the part where she talks about how she feels empowered wearing ballgowns with her short hair and her tongue out. Further down I read about her bringing hearing aids to students in Haiti, her role model being Dolly Parton because "she is a genius under there", and how all she wants is to be iconic. In Harper's Bazaar she says some things that show more of her intelligence such as " I was an adult when I was supposed to be a kid. So now I am an adult and I'm acting like a kid" and "...You're going to do dumb stuff from here on out. But do it in your own time. Do it safely. You can afford to protect yourself and still have fun." TL;DR- I love Miley Cyrus because she is talented, smart, grounded, full of personality, and powerful. If you don't like it, I don't give a hoot.

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, my friend brought this article about Chris Brown to my attention which is in reference to his interview with the guardian. Now Chris Brown never was my favorite, and I got outraged along with most of America when he and Rihanna had their infamous fight. I don't care much for his music so he was off my radar until he 'made his comeback' in early 2012. Did I think we should be cheering for him? No, not personally, but I also know that a person's musical success is not always dependent on their personal behavior. As with before, Chris Brown once again became unimportant to me. I don't really follow celebrity gossip, read a lot of interviews, or generally care about most celebrities. Something I do care about is rape culture. So when I read that Chris Brown had been bragging about the loss of his virginity at the young age of 8, I was shocked. I wasn't surprised that he was proud of the fact that he had a sex life so young. I wasn't surprised to hear that he, as with many other men, think that all that matters is being experienced. I was shocked at that such a popular celebrity would outright admit the incident and that he seemed to have no inclination this this was rape. I am well aware that rape seems to be this word without a clear definition. Most people would read this article and not agree that Chris Brown was raped. The list goes on in their head. Was he forced? Not that he mentioned. Was he threatened? Not that he recalls. Was the other person over 18? Not at the time. But do these questions really cover all of the "guidelines" of rape? What about marital rape-when a woman does not want to have sex, but after enough coercing, gives in to please her husband? What about when a victim is too drunk or drugged up to knowingly consent to sex? What about when a child is too young to understand and agrees to avoid punishment or to please someone else? We, as a society, need to acknowledge that all of these examples are rape. Many victims downplay their attacks, justify their attacks, or even glorify them because they don't realize that it was rape. This issue seems to be worst among boys and men. Rape culture teaches all kinds of absurd ideals like 'boys can't be raped', 'all sex is good sex', and 'sex = power'. There's no telling if Chris Brown's recollection of childhood rape will help or further hinder male rape victims to speak up, report their attacks, and just generally admit the truth to themselves. I hope it opens up the door to more discussion on the topic. 

As most of my readers know, I follow a number of body positive blogs, bloggers, and activists. You may not know that I also follow a few female body builders and fitness models. I am inspired by, and look up to, women of every. single. body type. Why? Because I support body positivity. One thing that has come to my attention lately is the habit of fat loving people bullying fit people. How's that for irony, right? On body acceptance pages you will see tons of images that support your right to be fat. They will encourage you to stop shaming yourself. They will talk about the beauty of your rolls, your curves, your flaws. They will outright demand that you stop skinny shaming because it is just as natural to be skinny as it is to be fat. What you won't see is very much of anything, positive or negative, regarding fit bodies. On fitness pages and the pages of fitness models you will see many inspirational posters. They range from photos of the models themselves to photos of professional body builders and even naturally fit men and women. The messages will be everything from a simple "Believe in yourself" to the more direct "What's your excuse?" Now here's the thing: all of these posters and images serve the same purpose. If you do not fit the body type int he image, you may take the message in the wrong way. A fit woman might feel like she is supposed to be thick because people keep posting "Real woman have curves" and "Men like meat, not bones" or even things suggesting that working out makes you manly. A fat woman might feel shame because she keeps seeing things like "Respect your body" and "Lose weight Gain health". Images like this comes across in the complete wrong way to the opposite type of person. All they see is judgement when all you're trying to do is inspire. I will admit that some of the posters get mean and they get dirty. I think it is important to keep in mind that even the meaner images are posted on fat positive sites or on fitness pages. These posters and images are designed to perpetuate the ideals of the communities they service. If you don't want the tough talk of a fitness model, don't subscribe to their site. If you don't want to be suffocated with fat empowerment, don't 'like' the page. It is unacceptable for us to go on these pages and tell the owner that they are wrong, they are bullies, and they are spreading the wrong message. No matter what you believe, we are a community of women and we need to act like it. We all love our bodies for the way they look and the things they do. We all treat our bodies in a way that we believe is best. We are all women so let's stop attacking eachother and start living the words we preach. Body acceptance and body love for all.

Little Hummingbird...

Yesterday was a really incredible experience.

*TRIGGER WARNING: This post is very mild but does mention rape*

It's noon and I am curled up on the couch with a bottle of water, SVU on the TV, and my hands are shaking. I take deep breaths and try not to think about it. I fail miserably. Today is a big day for me. After 16 years of struggling, I am finally ready. I know I am ready because 4 years ago I thought I was ready for a survivor's mark. I know I am ready because 3 years ago I was still unsuccessful in remembering some of my most intimate moments. I know I am ready because 2 years ago I was still scared and angry. I know I am ready because last year I couldn't face my mother and tell her about my rape. 

So I clean, I breathe deep, and I try not to think about it. I stand under the warm water of the shower and try not to think about it. We're in the car and I finally admit it out loud. This is a big day for me. My husband doesn't understand, and it hurts, but I need to remember not everyone will. It's just another tattoo to a lot of people. I forget that not everyone has been down my road or walked beside me through this journey. As the needle glides, all I can think about is the pain. This pain is for me. This ink is for me. This moment is for me and no one can take that away from me. I am finally turning it into my experience and finally claiming my body. 

I watch the hummingbird come alive, slowly. The drawing did no justice to what I see before me. The shading puts the sun overhead, the purple and blue make it shine, and green in the banner makes it come to life. This bird is so free. This tattoo is so damn beautiful and I want to cry. After so many years of planning a big, elaborate piece, I leave the studio with one sweet bird and a banner. It's not about the theatrics. It's not about the story or the pain. It's about the simple beauty of healing. The simple fact that I figured out how to navigate it all and end up here. I feel so much more powerful with this little spirit animal. Every time I look down, I have no chance to wallow because I am faced with beauty. To the left is my sunflower for RJ. My reminder to love, to live, to keep the light shining. To the right is my hummingbird. My reminder to grow, to care, to believe in myself. With these two things to guide me, I don't think my feet will falter.

My husband asked me if I was ready for this tattoo. I didn't realize what he was asking me. He wanted to know if I was ready to talk about it. He wanted to make sure I could handle the discussion that it was going to lead to. Before I got it, many people asked what I was going to get and what it stood for. I was a little nervous to tell people who didn't know me very well about the story. It's kind of scary to be open about the fact that you were raped and abused. I was sure they would give me that look. The one with the tears in their eyes that says they are sorry. The one that says they don't trust me. The one that separates me from all of the normal people. I guess that is kind of what this is all about. People know I am a happy, healthy, normal woman. I want them to know that survivors can be happy, healthy, normal people. 

Are other people ready to hear about this? Are my friends ready to be pulled into something as heavy as rape? I don't know, but I guess I am not really giving them a choice. I guess I am tired of people avoiding the situation. I guess I am tired of the laughter when I tell people that rape jokes are not allowed in my home. I guess I am tired of the idea that it could never happen to you because look, none of your friends ever dealt with it. 1 in 6 women and approximately 1 in 33 men have experienced sexual assault, molestation, and/or rape. We are not doing any favors by staying quiet any longer. Part of the reason I got my tattoo was to have the courage to break the silence. My little bird gives me a starting point to open up the discussion. 

I hope that I am able to get a lot of people thinking and talking. I hope that my silence can be a thing of the past and my healing can start to include public speaking. I have been held back for too long and I believe I can do so much more good if I just open my mouth. I know I'm far from perfect and that my lifestyle isn't the preference of everyone, but I am very happy. My hope is that people see me as a wife first. My hope is that they see a strong, passionate, hard working woman in front of them. I hope they see a friend, a confidant, and a lover. Then, I hope they see the survivor at my core, and I hope it sparks something inside of them. I hope that other survivors might look to me and see that they can be capable of a healthy relationship. I hope that other survivors might look and see that they, too, can be successful in the workplace. But all I really want is for them to see that they are capable of so much more than they might think. I really want them to see that beyond having a normal life, they can go out and they can be truly magnificent. They can move mountains and lead nations if they just hang in there. 

We are so much more than our pain, but I hope we find ways to grow from it. We are so much more than our fears, but I hope we learn from them. We are so much more than the brokenness, but I hope we fill the cracks with love and peace. We are so much more than our past, but I hope it hurtles us into the future. 

Un-posted Ramblings...

Found this pile of brain vomit sitting here as a draft. Figured maybe it had some wisdom in it. I always have to laugh when I read something like this and it reminds me how to live. Like, I wrote this. Why am I only now being reminded?

I am a subscriber to the belief that things will always get better. I don't know how long it will be before I see improvement or how much more can possibly go wrong but first, but those aren't the important things. Life is going to be hard. In fact, from what I've seen, life looks for ways and reasons to get worse. I like to tell myself that this only happens because we are strong. We are capable of enduring the storm and then coming out the other side braver, stronger, and more full of love. We know all of the negativity we could hold in our hearts and we choose not to. We see the ruins ahead of us and we tell ourselves that the faster we run, the sooner we will be finished. Life is going to hurt you whether you figure out how to handle it or not. Life is not going to treat you better because you aren't ready for the pain that your name is written upon.

People who are so much better than you are going to die. You will beg endlessly for life to take it back. To take you instead because this person is too good to leave. You simply cannot imagine the sun or the moon ever rising again without this person there to hold them up. No matter how you wrack your brain you will find exactly 0 reasons why they should go and 0 as to why you should stay. You are going to swear to live right by them. You are going to promise them to never wish on a star without looking for your face in the constellations. You may take a lifetime to heal, but you will have to. I don't know why this happens, but it does. The only advice I can give is to treat the people in your life like this is inevitable-because it is. Love them so ferociously that you become afraid you are smothering them. Call them in the middle of the night just to say you miss them. Make time for them in your life. Do it while you can. Since hindsight is 20/20 I recommend videotaping your moments together and saving phone messages. These are the things you will miss most.

Money is going to try and control every facet of your life. Don't let it. Find a healthy balance between a job that pays the bills and a job you love. You will find yourself somewhere in the middle and, in my experience, you will find a way to pay the bills. Be in love with the World. The best way to kill time is to go outside and just marvel at the planet. This will always be there. It will always be free. It will always remind you what matters. Eat leftovers. You're going to have to do it eventually so just get used to them now. Some things are better the second day anyways. Stop holding onto all of your stuff! Some stuff you can sell and it's nice to hold those crumpled up bills. Other things you can donate to bring a smile to someone's face. Re-think the way you shop! If you need potatoes for one recipe, find another recipe that helps use up the rest of the potatoes instead of waiting until they go bad. Try buying one household cleaner and using it in your tub as well as your showers instead of buying specific cleaners for each area. Carpool, cruise down hills, and accelerate slowly. You'll find you enjoy these so much more when you work to afford them.

Illness is going to turn your life upside down. Maybe it's cancer, maybe it's autism, maybe it's diabetes. It is going to come for you or someone near to you so brace yourself. This illness is going to take you by surprise and leave you with nothing but questions. It may not be curable and it may be degenerative. Your insurance may drop you and your medicine may become absurdly expensive. If it happens to you, take care of yourself. If there was ever a time to take vitamins, eat your veggies, and take walks, the time is now. Not everything is preventable but you can give your body a fighting chance. If it's someone you love, just keep loving them. Don't treat them differently. Do spend more time together. If there's something their doctor is making them do to help like swimming once a week or sitting under a UV light, offer to do it with them. With your friendship, their healing will feel like less work.

Fierce Love

After yesterday's post, I really wanted to balance it out. I touched on the difficulties of loving a survivor but I didn't touch on any of the beauty.

*Quick Note: Each and every person is different. I respect and honor all of the different ways to love and be loved. These posts are generalizations based on my own life as well as the experiences of friends and family.*

Yesterday I mentioned that survivors have a habit of protecting themselves. I made it sound like you would need to pour all your energy into convincing them that you want to be in their life and that you really love every part of them. I even told you that there was a chance that after all that work, your relationship might fall apart. Well, I said all of that because it's true. What I didn't mention was just how rewarding that experience would be. 

I didn't tell you about the spark you're going to make. At first you may feel like the person you love is cold and shut down. It may be a chore to get them to smile, to speak, to hold your hand. You may start to wonder if the person you love has been lost. But with time, and love, and patience you will see a spark. Their eyes will betray them when they shine for you, their voice will blow their cover when it becomes full of hope, their face will give under the pressure and share a long forgotten smile. You will awaken things inside them that they had given up on. With you by their side, they will start to find beauty in the World, in you, and inside themselves. You will be allowed to see every step of the journey, every inch of growth. You will be taken inside their World and you will be shown the fire. This is such a beautiful and special thing to share with a survivor. They do it for you, but they also must do it with you. It's a little scary and it's really hard but it is sweet and kind and above all, it is beautiful.

I didn't tell you about just how strong that love is going to feel. I didn't warn you that when you gain a survivor as a friend or lover, you are also gaining a hero. You are spending your days in the presence of someone who has seen hell, conquered it, and then returned to Earth. You are spending your days watching someone re-learn everything about themselves. You start to see how much bravery and strength is in their soul and it only leads to you loving them harder and deeper. When you come to a scary point in your life, you may think to them for inspiration. When the days get hard you may turn to them for strength. When your World starts to spin out of control, you will reach to them as an anchor. The bond you create will be deeper than skin, deeper than blood. Once you have been loved by a survivor, you are loved forever. You are loved so earnestly that maybe you feel like it's suffocating. You are loved with the strength of the wind and pull of the tide. You are loved for every tear, every sleepless night, every bruise, every thrust. You are loved for all the moments that love hid away. This is the sweetest love of all. 

I didn't tell you how loyal a survivor can be. You were willing to break down the walls, hold them through the nightmares, listen to the grueling details and still you stayed. You have proven yourself a thousand times over. You have seen the worst of us and we have seen the best in you. A survivor knows just how determined and strong you are. You have given your time, love, strength, patience, and love. A survivor will return those things to you by throwing themselves down by your feet. They respect and treasure everything you've given them and they will defend you no matter what. You will never be alone. 

I didn't tell you about the lessons you will learn. You are raised in a society where rape is a joke, never unprovoked, and hidden away as a non-threat. Loving a survivor is going to open you up to a lot of scary truths and this will try your heart. You will find empathy, passion, anger. You will find a lot inside yourself during this journey. I cannot tell you in which ways you will grow, but I promise you will. 

I didn't tell you that this one relationship might affect every other love in your life. You may find you are able to love more completely. You may let go of all the small things and fill in the spaces with acceptance. You may come to realize that every hurdle is worth the reward of someone's love. You may be able to heal and love an awful lot of people because of the journey you took with a survivor. You may know that when the road gets tough, you and your love will make it through, because if you've done it once you can do it again. When you feel like there's no more love inside yourself to give, you will find it. When you feel there's no more time to give, you will find some. When you worry you cannot heal the hurt inside someone, you will find yourself trying anyways. You will find a hell of a lot of good inside yourself. The biggest relationship it might affects it the one you have with yourself. You may come to realize just how fantastic you are. You may start to heal, grow, and love because of this journey. People change and change is good.

I didn't tell you that out of all the reasons to try and love a survivor, the most important reason is because there are more reasons not to. There are more reasons to avoid them, to ignore them, to let them keep on scraping by. It is easier to never ask the hard questions. It will never cost you sleep, time, or energy to go about your life the way you have. You are not risking being hurt, pushed away, or put through trials if you simply don't try. There are so many ways that it could negatively affect you if you try to love a survivor. There are so many other happy healthy people you could love instead. It's because of all these things that you should do it. It's because so many other people are taking the easy route that you should be inspired to take the hard one. Hell, maybe you've had a hard life and you feel like you deserve a rest for once. 

One thing I tell myself, and I am now telling you is this: What you deserve, what the person next to you deserves, what the World deserves is love. No matter the cost, no matter the risk, you should never stop giving love. Give love to those who are easy to love and give to those who are cold, hard, rough around the edges. When you see someone broken, go in and fill the gaps with your love. Be their cement. Be the gold in their cracks. 

Loving a Survivor 101

After 15 years of healing, growing, and figuring out how to love myself I figured I would share some knowledge with you. 

*WARNING: This post has mild content, but the subject of the post is rape and abuse.*

As a survivor, I am very well aware of the fact that it is not easy to love someone who was once a victim. I know that many of my natural reactions are uncalled for and may even seem ridiculous. I am conscious of the fact that flashbacks, nightmares, and panic attacks are not fun for anyone. It's because of this that I know life with a survivor is difficult. In order to help myself heal, I have poured a lot of time and energy into loving myself. This includes all the scary things that go along with life after abuse.

Let me start by saying the number one thing a survivor needs is pure unadulterated love. They don't need people to use the term 'love' lightly and they don't need you to only love them when it is convenient. This is a long term commitment. They need you to love them even on the worst nights and I can promise those nights are going to be bad. This one thing can delay or accelerate healing more than I can tell you. 

First of all, we are still struggling to sort things out such as: How do we accept love?  Can love exist without abuse? If x, y, z is true about me, how can someone love me? Am I loveable? What is love? The list goes on. To put it simply, love is very confusing for someone who has been abused. Many times our abuse has been in some way connected to affection. Maybe our abuser was a boyfriend, friend, or family member. Maybe our abuser said affectionate things about us being beautiful or about them loving us during the abuse. Maybe we let the abuse continue so we didn't lose the abuser. Personally, I found that the term itself was pointless. I heard it all day, every day from people on the street. People said it as though they were listing the bones in their body. It was boring and it was flat. It was never important to me that someone told me they loved me. I didn't get butterflies the first time a boy admitted it and I never hung a lot of significance upon it. 

What I really suggest is showing them that you love them. A survivor can be a little tougher to crack so I am warning you now. This will take significantly longer than it ever has with another guy/girl. Like I said, this is a long term thing. Whether it's a friendship or a romance, you are going to need to invest in this relationship. Speaking from personal experience, I think PDA is important. Some people may be uncomfortable with it, but I know it was important to me. Something as simple as a hug, kiss, or declaration of love in public can mean a lot. This helps us feel like we aren't a secret. For me, this was the difference between a 'real' relationship and a 'fake' one. Any hesitancy you may have felt for any reason made me feel dejected, broken, and shameful. If you were only sweet to me when we were alone, I was certain that you were hiding it from everyone and therefore didn't care. Vice versa! If you are typically in a group setting, that's fabulous and fun, but alone time is important too. Even in a friendship, you need to know that you are friends even when there aren't other people to hold you together. Having one-on-one chemistry is vital. This shows the survivor that they are fun and relate-able all on their own. This really opens them up to feeling pretty awesome about themselves. Really take the time to get to know your friend or lover. If you have the patience and the bravery, try to get them to open up. From the small things like knowing their favorite restaurant or favorite flower to the really big things like telling you their abuse story. The more in depth you get, the more healing and growing that can happen between the two of you. Nothing says "I love you" like giving them something or taking them somewhere that only you and he/she knows about. 

Make an effort to be friends with their friends, lover, and/or family. Try to encourage their support system to help you find ways to make the survivor feel special. Discuss with them and see if there are certain triggers you need to avoid. This can be a difficult subject for the survivor so speaking with those closest to them can help. Do not speak about these things without speaking to the survivor first. The last thing you want is for them to think they cannot trust you or that you do not trust them. Let them know that you want to support them as best as you can. You want to know how to best avoid causing issues and if the subject is too sensitive for them, you would like to ask their family and friends. Ask them if there are things that they do not want you to know. For example, if the survivor is not comfortable with you knowing the details of their abuse yet, do not ask their friends to tell you. They will tell you in due time. Never rush them when it comes to opening up. Remember that speaking about their abuse can be very difficult. This is a vulnerable part of them and it can be exhausting to even think about. Also keep in mind that they may be scared of losing you. They know that these things are scary and awful and they don't want you to feel pity for them or to leave because it's too difficult. Always let them know that you aren't going anywhere so when they are ready, you will listen. 

Trust is a huge factor in love and, dare I say, even bigger when it comes to loving a survivor and earning their love. Try to recognize the significance that is behind each piece of information they share with you. It will probably be slow, but it takes a lot of strength and trust to open up. Keep in mind that they need you to listen above all else. Just because they are ready to share one thing does not necessarily mean they are ready to answer your questions. This is a slow process, but I promise you they are trying. Remember that the abuse is in the past and you cannot change it. Know that everyone else has probably looked at them with pity, with anguish, and treated them like they were glass. We do not like to feel fragile. We are strong and we need to remember it. That's not easy when everyone whispers around you or apologizes for things they cannot change. Thank them for opening up and then give them your thoughts. Tell them how strong and brave they are. Tell them that you love them. Tell them that you are so proud of them. Try to remember that the man or woman standing in front of you is not a victim. The person in front of you is a survivor.

Be prepared for the worst. Abuse can affect a person in more ways than you might be able to imagine. There's no telling how deep the pain is or how easily the person will unravel. There's a chance your partner will not be able to have sex with you or will have issues achieving an orgasm. This is leftover from sexual trauma and can last well past the time of abuse. This only reminds the survivor of just how deep the emotional scars are. Try to be patient and loving. Play around with other intimate things so that you don't experience a rift in your relationship. There's a chance your friend can't go certain places or hang out with certain people because it sparks memories, flashbacks, or nightmares. I watched a movie last year that left me fighting nightmares and flashbacks for a month. They may not know what will trigger episodes so you won't always have a warning. As with most things, just face this with as much love and understanding as you can muster. Hold them through the nightmares and the tears. Ask them if there's something special you can do to distract them from thinking about it. Just hold their hand and ride the waves with them, unless they handle it better alone, in which case you can support them from the sidelines. Please know that every day presents new obstacles for a survivor. Also know that every day you wake up, and the pain isn't gone, is another shot straight to the gut. I promise you that there's nothing we wish more than to be healed and normal.

In all aspects of this relationship you will need to have endless patience. The healing process can last months, years or decades. The survivor has no control over the reaction he or she will have to stressors in life. There is no list of symptoms, description of cures, or emergency heal-all plan for this process. Loving a survivor is difficult in many ways but above all it is difficult because it is forever changing. There are many negative thoughts and feelings that linger after abuse and each one of them will threaten future relationships. It will often feel as though your friend/lover is pushing you away. In fact, he/she may be pushing you away. Maybe it seems as though they are putting you through some fucked up set of tests. Chances are, whether consciously or subconsciously, they are trying to see if you mean it. They need to know just how sure you are that you want to get involved in their life. They may try some really tough things, but these things will pale in comparison to the kinds of things you may experience later in the relationship. Survivors know exactly how hard it is to love them. We are aware of every layer of armor, every wall, every trap we've set up around ourselves. We have been hurt in some of the most delicate ways and as much as we crave the love and attention, our fear of abuse is equally strong. The line between good and bad has been blurred so far that we are having to re-learn. Things we love, words we treasure, blood we share has all been used against us and we are still figuring out where that ends and real love starts. I won't say that we're sorry. I won't say that it should be easier. I won't say that it will always go the way you want it to.

What I will say is this: Every moment you spend breaking down the walls is a moment of healing. Every tear shed on your shoulder is a little growth. Every secret shared is an immeasurable amount of trust. Whether you are friends or lovers, whether it lasts or not, it is always worth it to love a survivor. The World is filled with so many broken souls. Love is always worth it. Healing, growth, and rebuilding are always worth it.