1997

TRIGGER WARNING- This is about my experiences with sexual assault. Please do not read if you are sensitive to this subject. 

This is a poem that I wouldn't usually post, as I don't think it's very good. But as part of the process, I've promised myself that I would post all complete poems that I write. I need to fight the writer's block by putting out my messy, incomplete, and just plain bad work.

Nineteen Ninety-Seven

My eyes were blue until I was five

Pale skin, long straight hair, and a cherry lollipop grin.

Since then I've been skinned knees and sunburns, 

unruly short hair and these chameleon eyes.

The good in me was stolen back then

in the way my imagination never fully recovered

and from time to time my mouth is still coated in salt.

When I was twelve I learned that I could protect myself from anything,

but that I can only run and hide for so long.

It was only seven years before it came back to me.

Before I began crying in my sleep,

counting the bathroom tiles and the radio channels,

and practicing how to make boys weak in the knees.

I turned into that tornado girl;

leaving disaster in my wake.

I altered my words and swung my fists 

until I was unreachable; unloveable.

Then I went to the men and I pulled them in

and I brought them right down with me.

Determined to be a fighter- a survivor.

Ground my edges until they were rough,

carved canyons and mountains,

daring them to try.

I thought I could outrun the ghost,

of his voice in my ear, 

of his hands in my hair,

of the screams- the screams I am not sure I ever screamed.

But still I thrash and cry in my sleep.

My stomach turns during Halloween parties.

I sometimes cry in the stalls at the bar.

Sometimes I like to think I wiped that part of me away.

Those years don't exist. That pain is not real.

But sometimes I am in a loop 

and every day is 1997.

I don't know

I don't know how else to tell you that I am no good at this.
At life- at love- at moving on.
My first instinct was to spend a night being full again
It had been months and I was so tired of feeling empty.
Then I spent my hours in bars, in beds, in the streets.
Anywhere but with you.
Somehow I've turned the last 5 1/2 years into a list
A list of things you've taken from me
Your eyes are filled with a violent storm;
waves ready to pull my legs out from beneath me and drown
and I will not risk the shoreline of your face.
This morning you looked at me and I saw it.
It told me all I needed to know.
I've already sealed the doorway between you and my healing heart.
I hope for your sake that you can learn to stop knocking.

Processing

Okay, hopefully I will be laying out a lot of poems for a while. It's a part of me that has been inaccessible for a while, but I seem to have tapped into it. I am going to write whatever is in my head. I am going to write about feelings that are current and old and maybe even made up. This is how I process my life. I don't need anyone reading these and thinking they can decipher my life. I don't want you to think these are all secrets I've kept from the World. This is my process. This is my healing. This is all I know how to do. So read or don't read, but don't fill in the blanks you think I've missed.


I have a theory: we were never lovers.
Just strong opposing forces
Snapped into each other's lives
Over and over again
Despite time, or distance, or reason.
Just two kids with clumsy hearts,
butterflies, and weak knees.
Naturally you reached for me
when life dared you to jump.
Instead of writing me a love letter,
you only ever wrote me an invitation,
and I never could tell you no.
If you love someone set them free
they will return if it's meant to be.
If you love someone set them free
they will return if it's meant to be.
Repetition is not the basis of love.
All we've ever been is a set of magnets
and we never did learn how to separate
until the magnetism wore off.

A poem

This is the first full poem I have gotten to come out of me in a long time. I didn't proofread it or alter it, so it may be a bit sloppy. I just wanted to get it out unaltered.


When darkness fell and your face was lit by starlight alone,
You'd reach out for me in your sleep.
Your arms flexed above the soft mounds of my skin
and you inhaled me.

Ironic, then, the our love died out in the quiet of night.
Your affection only coming in soft whispers
as though it was patched together with yesterday's desire.

All my life I've been both the strongest flame and
the extinguisher.
Everyone gets tired of the light.
Eyes sore and skin burnt,
they always leave.

For a long time, I didn't make New Years' resolutions. It was something I quit doing because I had a habit of making really unimportant and/or hard to obtain goals for myself. In 2014 I made my first resolution in a long time because I was tired of never being in photographs. Part of it was my idea that I am not photogenic, part of it was because I hadn't done full hair or make-up or worn anything cute to that event, and as very small part of it was because I didn't make it a priority. But I was doing some great things and I was with some fabulous people. I wanted these things to have photographic proof because I wanted to remember everything. In 2014 I was caught with many bad hair days, double chins, and slouchy outfits. But I also have proof if my smiles, my laughter, and the love between my friends.

Towards the end of 2014, my life decided to take some really sharp turns. My life had been, at least from the outside looking in, pretty quiet and calm. But the universe stepped in like it so often does and it shook me up. It spun me around, tipped me upside down, and woke me up. I was living life in a very comfortable (stale) way. I was living like I had already had my kids, retired, and curled up on the couch to rest my days away.

As 2015 came in with a sparkle over Navy Pier, I resolved to do more things that scare me this year. That meant when my friend invited me to Chicago for NYE and I had just change in my pocket, I said yes! When I viewed an apartment and barely had the application fee in my bank, I made the decision to say yes anyways. I let go of material things that filled some weird empty spot inside me, but never served any real purpose. I went on a date! I've spent a lot more time actually paying attention to what I desire and taking the time to say yes. Yes to that $3 latte, yes to the late movie night, yes to people and things that make me smile.

Really, I want to spend the year getting back in touch with myself. It's been a very long time since I have been just 'me' instead of half of a 'we'. I am living on my own for the first time ever, at 22, and it's all very new to me. So here are the goals I want to aim for during this year.

1. Read more books. Read all the books on your shelf, borrow books from friends, spend hours in the Library. Meet new characters, submerge into new Worlds, and remember that it's okay to laugh and cry along the way.

2. Go outside. Sit in your rocking chair with a cup of coffee in the mornings. Walk to the loop for errands or just for fun. Get a bike and ride it when you need the wind in your hair and the sun on your skin. Try to bike to work and then try to convince someone to drive you home- because it's going to suck. Go camping this year. Seriously, just do it. Kayak, canoe, see if anyone will take you fishing. Go to the ocean and close your eyes and breathe in the salt. Never forget that this is what puts you at peace the most. This is what grounds you to the Earth.

3. Grow something. Get a planter, put it on your porch, and tend to your sprout. Pick something you can eat. Start with one planet and then get a whole planting box. You can nurture it and you can feel self sustaining.

4. Fix your wardrobe. This means stop buying things that don't fit you, no matter how much of a discount you'd get. Only buy pieces that really make you feel comfortable and happy. Your clothes can speak up and grab someone's attention when you're too shy to speak.

5. Pay down your debt. Always split your extra money after bills between recreation and savings. Step 1: Pad your savings account. Step 2: Pay down your credit card. Step 3: Make bigger payments on the car. Invest in your future and cut down on your stress.

6. Ask for a raise. There's a list of reasons why you should be earning more and it'll never happen if you don't speak up.

7. Volunteer more. Sign up for the eco-team at Mardi Gras, swing by the recycling center on your day off, ask how to do court work with the RCC. Don't let your passion and love fester inside of you. Go put it out in the World and do it alone. Don't ask people to come along unless they voice their desire.

8. Stay current on the big issues facing the World today. Find the news sources you trust most to get you the facts and then form your own opinions. When something strikes a match inside of you, take the time to raise awareness. Documentaries and articles are included.

9. Date everyone! Date tall people, short people, skinny and fat people. Date whoever makes you laugh, or who gives you butterflies, or who looks at you with that look. Go on unconventional dates. Don't be afraid to say no, if you're not feeling it. Don't rush into something exclusive or long term, just go try it out.

10. Do more things that scare you. You don't have to go crazy. If someone invites you sky diving and you throw up or cry on the way, back out. Go to dinner by yourself, ask for that girl's number, take a day off work to spend time with the people you love. Learn to swim for real this time. Buy a bikini and wear the shit out of it. Go to a music festival. Yes to more protests, to public speaking, to trusting new people, to trying new foods, to putting yourself out in the World.