Makeover Shows/Segments on TV

I really love and really hate makeovers on TV! Let's talk about why.

Everywhere you look, there are 'before and after' photos. They will do comparisons of everything from weight loss to styles changes to plastic surgery. It's startling to put two pictures right next to eachother and really get a good idea of how the person's body has changed. Sometimes it can get a little out of control though. 

I, personally, support your decision to do side-by-side comparisons anytime you want. I think it can be a fun way to see your body change as well as a healthy way to encourage you to stay on track. The danger comes when the voice in the back of your head gets a little too loud. When you start looking at the photos of you, or of other people, are you being positive or negative about it? Think back to the last thought or comment you had on one of these. Did you say something like "Wow she looks so much better" or "He is so hot now"? Did you let the person know that you love how happy they look or that they look so much stronger? Did you, and it's okay to admit this, but did you say or think something along the lines of "You looked terrible before" or even "Look at x, y, z. That is so nasty"? Don't feel bad or guilty, though I would encourage you to apologize if you said that to someone. Just take the time to acknowledge it. Take responsibility for what you said or thought. These sorts of things are encouraged and promoted in today's society and it is so easy to get caught up in it. Let's promise to make a conscious effort to only say positive things when we see these things on TV, in magazines, or on social media. Let's think of a list of things that would be really great to say. Keep in mind the things you say while watching TV or reading a magazine may affect anyone listening so let's try to stay positive as much as possible. I'm going to make a list for different situations. Feel free to add your suggestions in the comments!

• "Seeing you happy makes me happy!"
• "I admire your drive. Maybe sometime we can do _____ together."
• "I love your style; it really fits your personality."
• "She looks totally different. I love how bodies can be beautiful at any size!"

You can also ask encouraging questions, which are just as good as outright compliments. I actually prefer this because it sparks a conversation!

• "You said you've started being more active, right? What sorts of things do you like to do?"
• "I love your make-up today. Can you show me how to do ______?"
• "That dress is killing me! Where did you get it?"
• "Your x/y/z looks great. I was hoping to build strength in that part of my body too. Do you have any advice for me?"

I really want to mention that everyone changes! Each and every person will have their own reason for what they do so don't jump to conclusions. It is never bad to ask somebody why they do what they do. I, for instance, am currently working out 4-5 days a week and sticking to a high protein, high complex carb diet. I am aiming to eat cleaner and eat as a calorie deficit. Yes, I do want to lose weight. Yes, I do have a goal of what I want my body to achieve. Yes, I still eat ice cream, drink sweet tea, and skip the gym sometimes. No, I do not follow a fad diet. I follow a diet my doctors suggested for my medical condition hypoglycemia. No, I don't eat 1200 calories a day. No, I do not feel like I am starving. No, I do not really want to go eat fried chicken because although it tastes good it makes my tummy mad. It is okay to ask me what motivates me. It is okay to say "Rachel, I noticed you changed the way you eat, are you trying to lose weight?" I won't be offended. I am not ashamed to tell you that I am trying to take better care of my body because I love me and I would like me to hang around for another 50 or more years. If I were doing it to lose weight, I wouldn't be ashamed either. I can want to lose weight without doing it because that is what people tell me I should want. These are our bodies and we are free to do as we please. I get concerned when my coworker mentions she used to be smaller than she is now and then says she only ate a rice cake yesterday. This concerns me because this is not good for your body. But because I am not a doctor, and I wouldn't want someone to tell me that eating donuts is not good for my body, I just ignore those comments. I do not tell her she is being unreasonable. I also do not ever tell her she looks thin. I will tell her she looks pretty, that I like her dress, that her hair looks good but I make a point to never comment on her size. Go ahead and start a conversation with your friend who is trying to be vegetarian or your friend who recently swore off diets. See what motivates them. It is part of what makes us beautiful. 

I have a confession to make so just hang in there for a moment. I love 'What Not To Wear". Okay, really it's more of a love-hate relationship. I'll start with what I love about it! I have watched marathons of this show for hour son end, I have recorded and even pirated episodes of it. I really have watched a whole lot of 'What Not To Wear'. I think my interested was sparked by the title. I grew up as a pretty big tom boy and I also grew up relatively poor. When I was young I loved my Easter and Christmas dresses just as much as my ratty jeans and overalls. I dressed myself in a mish mosh of all colors and patterns because that was what I liked and I didn't give a crap. All that magic started to fade when I hit adolescence. I picked up on the idea that some clothes were "cuter" than others and that some things the boys liked better. I started dressing in things that I didn't particularly like, because other people liked them. After I put on weight, I decided that baggy shirts and jeans would work just fine. I had no desire to put any energy into my appearance. Then I started to watch this show. Women of all shapes and sizes were finding clothes that made them look wonderful. I was finally seeing bodies similar to mine on the TV and they looked so good. I was in love with the idea that these women were like me. They dressed poorly because they didn't know better, couldn't afford better, or felt just as bad about their bodies as I did. The way I saw it, this show was helping ladies like me be pretty. In fact, for the first time, I was hearing people ON TV say that these women were beautiful. Their jaws dropped and their eyes sparkled and I thought "That could be me!" For the first time, TV was showing me that I could be beautiful, too. From then on I tried to apply "the rules" as much as I could when we went shopping. I tried darker wash jeans, layering, and 3/4 sleeves. I learned my favorite fashion rule of all, which is that neutrals can be mixed! I even picked up some make-up tips. (Not so many of these...I am 21 and still learning!) 

It wasn't until I got older that I started to really have some issues with this show. For starters, I don't like the entire beginning part. I don't care for the idea that their friends and family 'nominate' them. The idea that their closest friends are either so embarrassed or think it is so funny the way these women dress that they are willing to humiliate them on TV is a shame. I understand that by secretly filming them, it gives the participant a chance to see what they look like, which could help. I don't like the way the hosts make fun of them while watching the video clips. I also understand the 360 mirror. I am sure most people don't realize how things really look on them and it could be eye opening. But, again with the mockery. Is it necessary to laugh at the participant the entire time? Do you need to make jokes about their wardrobe while you throw it all out? (They actually donate all of the clothing, so no quarrels there!) The general idea of shaming the person I think limits the experience for them. I fight with myself over how I feel about "the rules" that are established during the show. On one hand, I think it's really helpful for the participant. Knowing what silhouettes and patterns look best on you is a good starting point. I wish it wasn't made to sound like these are rules they must follow for the rest of their days. At one point I think you need to be able to say "Maybe this dress doesn't hide my muffin top" or "My flabby arms aren't hidden because it's too damn hot for a cardigan" and then buy that piece with confidence and rock the hell out of it. We love our bodies and while we may want to present ourselves in the best possible light, we shouldn't let social rules determine that we cannot or should not wear something. 

I think a lot of these points can be applied to most makeover shows. Helping people who don't know what is flattering and want to learn is great. Showing busy women how to do a natural make-up in a short routine in the morning is fabulous. Teaching women that certain hairstyles will lay better with their hair texture is the bomb. Giving people financial means to succeed in the business world is straight up awesome. AMBUSHING someone and challenging them to do a show while you video tape their reaction is kind of a shit bag move. Another thing I hate, and this is an actual example I saw on TV the other week, is when you pick people at random. That's right- you go into a crowd and look for the ugliest woman you can find. YOU decide that she is not good the way she is. YOU see all the bad and you want to fix it because that is going to improve her life somehow. So after you bring her to the studio, you do her make-up, you treat her hair, and then you ask her if she will be comfortable in this outfit. SHE SAYS NO. She tells you that she will not be comfortable in this outfit. She probably wouldn't wear this at home let alone on national TV. But you don't care. You put her in it anyways. You put this woman in a mid-thigh length bodycon dress and then "debut" her new look. And you know what? She holds her hands around her waist. She doesn't smile when her husband smiles. You even mention out loud that she didn't want to wear this dress and she confirms that she should not, in fact, ever wear it. But you don't apologize. You smile and you tell her she looks great and you feel no regret for the discomfort you just caused her. This is disgusting. I was so mad I haven't watched that show (The TODAY Show) since. It is never okay to have someone do something or wear something they are not comfortable with. It is never okay to imply that someone is so unpretty that you want to do them a favor and make them over. It is never okay to be a douche. 

I recently had sort of a makeover experience of my own. Now my husband and I work jobs that make us happy and that often means we go without a lot of luxuries. We're still young, still starting out, and things like dinners with friends or date nights together are prioritized over new clothes. Before I started work at my office, I had never needed a pair of slacks or a button up top. I went to a local thrift store and found a lot of things I thought would be nice. I also had very little idea of what would be appropriate for the office. The main incident being I thought Casual Friday meant....well, casual. My boss has sort of taken me under her wing and she knows good and well that my husband and I do not make a ton of money. She knows I am doing the best with what I have and I am always following the main rules (covered shoulders and very little cleavage). She wanted to give me the chance to be a little more professional though, and she took me shopping. She said she didn't want to take away my fun style or make anything too unsexy because that is who I am. She just wanted to facilitate more options. We got 2 pairs of slacks, a skirt, 6 tops, 3 dresses, and 2 pairs of shoes. I was very polite and thanked her while we were there, but at home it was totally different. It has been about 3 years since I last had brand new clothing from a department store (if the PX counts). I hadn't had those crappy plastic hangers in my closet for ages and it made me feel so good about myself. I wanted to change, but I didn't have the means to do it. I wanted to show my best face at work. I want my wardrobe to help me grow in the business. Experiences like this help you grow, learn, and play around with your business style. There were two dresses that didn't have any tricks to them. They didn't pleat, bunch, have empire waists, or anything. You could tell it sort of made my boss uncomfortable. I was not angry about it but I pushed for the dresses. I told her I liked them and I liked the way I looked in them. She said that was what mattered and she was happy I liked them. 

There will probably always be makeover shows, before and after magazine articles, and people will be constantly changing. The important thing is that we support the good and refuse to acknowledge the bad. I don't think telling someone that they shouldn't change is the same as telling them they don't have to change. Let them know that you support them in everything they do. Let them know that if their free time is spent on a bike, on a trail, or in the water then you want to be a part of that. Let them know they are incredible, they are beautiful, and they are worthy of praise no matter what. Sometimes what you say will come out wrong, or affect them the wrong way. Forgive yourself. Sometimes maybe you will get caught up in doing something or wearing something for the compliments. It's okay. Just keep your mind and your words positive. As always, plant love and love will grow. 

UGH...BRAS!

Something has been weighing heavily on me lately so I have to talk about it. Sorry to my male readers, but I need to take some time to rant about bras!

Ladies, did you know that EIGHTY FIVE PERCENT of us are in the wrong size bras?! I know you may be thinking that this can't be right. You're possibly remembering the last time you bought a bra you had the store's "bra expert" come in and measure you. Certainly that means that you are in the right size. WRONG! Most stores will have you measured according to a formula they have been taught. They will measure you while you are wearing whatever bra you came in with. (You may be wearing a push-up, a strapless, or a terribly ill-fitting bra but this doesn't matter to them. SOME stores might have you try on a non-padded bra depending on their rules.) They will measure under your boobs where the band sits, over the widest part of your bust, and then, sometimes they add in your overbust measurement. 

We're going to use my measurements for a good example. My ribcage measures in at 37" and my widest part of my bust at 46". I went into a department store wearing a 38DD which did not fit me very well at all and the lady told me I needed a 40DD. I told the lady my 38" band was sliding around so could she please measure me again and she said "You're wearing the wrong style. I will bring you some to try on." Honestly, I was pretty angry at this. I KNOW MY BODY. I know that when I wear a bra that is slipping, squishing my boobs, not sitting flat in the front, or sitting higher in the back than the front the size is wrong. What didn't surprise me at all was that none of the 8 bras she brought me fit. Using a much more accurate calculator that you can find here, my 9" measurement difference would put me in about a 36G. 

Let's take a second to address this new information. Chances are you have been wearing something in the A-DD range your whole life. You may have an idea in your head that DD is huge. Women with DDs are just blessed by the gods and all men want DD women. I can't even begin to tell you how wrong this is. Believe it or not, DDs are pretty common on women who have been measured properly. There is a World beyond A-DD and so many women are scared of this World. It is also very difficult to accept that you have been wearing a bra that is sooo far off from the right size. 

Now there's a possibility the first bra you try on in your right size will be way too big. When this happens you will want to immediately dismiss this entire blog post and go back to your old bra. I beg of you, do not do this. Think about your pants. Do you have jeans that are anywhere from a size 10 to a size 16, or similar differences according to your size? I thought so. How about tops and dresses; is there about a 2-6 size difference there as well? Alright then, what have we learned? American companies suck! There is no universal size guide for these companies so finding the perfect bra will take a lot of work. That being said, the measurement you found earlier (36G) may not be the size you end up with. Maybe you fall in love with a Curvy Kate bra and it turns out you fit ideally into their 36E. FABULOUS! Now you know your size in Curvy Kate but keep in mind that size will be different if you look for another brand, such as panache. 

What is a good fit? You may be surprised to find out that no one ever told you how to get a good fit with a bra. Let's start with how you put on your bra. For comparison, put on the bra normally and look in the mirror. Okay, now bend over at the waist so you are perpendicular with the floor. Go ahead and put on the straps and hook the bra. Now stand up and see how it fits. A little different, right? Bend back over and take your hand and scoop the tissue from the back of your ribcage all the way forward. Rub and press your tissue forward about 5 times on each side and then stand back up. Holy cow! Look at how full and voluptuous those bad boys look! Why does the same exact bra fit so differently? The simple answer is that after years of being put in the wrong size bra, your tissue has started to migrate to your sides and even to your back. Bodies are weird like that. So this is how you look with all that wonderful breast tissue sitting up where it belongs. 

Now let's asses how the rest of the bra is sitting. Start with the straps: are they digging into you? If so, loosen them. The majority of the weight should be held up by the band of the bra, not the straps. Now peek at the way those cups are sitting. Is there gaps in the fabric at the front/top of the cup? If so, try going down a cup size. Is the cup pressing into you or sitting in a way where you are overflowing? If so, consider going up a cup size. If you are fuller on the bottom of your breast there's a chance that you fill out the cup perfectly at the bottom but there's a lot of space up top. You are not in the wrong size bra! What's wrong is the style of the bra. Consider a demi or balconette bra to better flaunt your assets. Now what is that little space in between the cups doing? If it is sort of bowing out, you should consider going up a cup size. You want it to sit flat against your body. The last thing to look at is the band. It should be totally straight from front to back! It may sit higher or lower than you are used to, but this is the proper fit. If it goes up in the back, it is too big of a band. You also need to be on the loosest hook when you buy a new bra. As time goes on, the fabric will stretch and you want to be able to move into all of those tighter hooks for longevity. 

This new bra may feel awful to you. Chances are the band is tighter than you're used to, the straps feel too lose, the band is hitting the top of your high waisted skirt, and the part in between your breasts seems to be too tight. I hate to break it to you, but this feeling will last a little while. Give yourself time to adjust to it. You have been wearing (most likely) a too big band and too small cup for most of your life so everything felt comfortable. I promise though, with time, this will be comfortable. To help move the process along, put on your old bra the same way you always did and then turn to your side. Look at your posture and at how your stomach looks. Now put on your new bra the right way and take a look. Are you standing straighter? Does your stomach look smaller with the girls hoisted up in the right place? And hey, do they look way bigger? Awesome! Keep this in mind while you adjust to how it feels. 

Two other big adjustments you are going to need to make are probably price and convenience. You have probably noted that just about every department store stops selling bras at a DD or DDD. Even worse, stores that do cater above a DDD hardly cater below a 36" or 38" band size. You will either need to go to a lingerie shop or go online. I know it's a hassle, but think about all the benefits! Also, your bras will probably be $30-$65 a piece now. The biggest change here is the idea that you sacrifice quantity for quality. You may have had 20 cute little frilly bras before, but now you have 4 really sexy pieces of lingerie that keep you looking your best. Your old bras probably broke after a few months right? The lace would tear, the straps would snap, or the underwire would give out. A big benefit to buying better bras is the change in quality. These bad boys are made to last! These companies make their bras with you in mind. They know how heavy bigger busts can be and how delicate smaller busts can be. They make bras for you. Enjoy it. 

The very last thing you will need to adjust to is the fact that so many other women have not made this life changing discovery. Remember that 85% of the female population has this issue! It may come up pretty often, depending on your friends, but there will always be an odd reaction if you tell someone your new found bra size. A lot of people will simply tell you that you are wrong and/or laugh at you. I really suggest you try to prepare for a huge wave of ignorance. It's not their fault though, so respond nicely. You can explain to them that you used to wear a 40DD until you realized how poorly it fit you. You have now converted to the beautiful World of proper fitting bras and you never want to turn back. Or you can rip off your shirt and prove it to them. Whatever floats your boat!

Finding Peace *Edited*

*WARNING: This post is mild but is on the topic of rape*

I have a confession to make. I have never forgiven my rapist.

Many rape victims will find peace when they find it within themselves to forgive their attacker. A large number of people believe that you cannot fully heal until you have done this. People often go on to tell you that holding onto that anger is not benefiting you in any way and even if you could take it out on them, it would not undo what has been done. It is also widely accepted that forgiving your rapist allows you to forgive yourself. I am not ashamed to say that I, personally, have no desire to find forgiveness in my heart for my rapist. 

I don't believe that I will gain any sense of peace, closure, healing, or self growth by changing how I feel about the man who raped me. The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as "to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of offence or debt." In all my years of reflecting and healing, I have never felt as though my attacker deserves to be absolved of his offenses. In fact I have spent so long going over the things I wish he had to deal with as a result of what he did. I have been torn apart by the fact that he never has to feel remorse. He never has to see the damage that he did to me or the shattered memories he left behind. He will never have the chance to even feel guilty about it because I was so easily swept under the rug. He was so easily allowed to move on with his life and forget the blood upon his hands and that disgusts me. I reflected on this information a lot over the past 16 years. I said to myself "Look at all the power he still has over me. Look at all the ways I want to harm him, to hurt him. Why am I letting him have all the power still?" So I let a lot of that go. I released a lot of the anger that I had in my heart. I released the anger partially because, well, honestly I thought it would bring him pleasure. I don't know what kind of sicko he turned out to be and I was revolted at the idea that he would enjoy my pain. I released a lot of the anger because I let myself be human and I let it cross my mind that maybe this man was sick. Trust me, this was just a tiny, sad, confused part of me but I acknowledged this part of me and let go. I let go of some of the anger because instead of wanting justice, I just found myself wanting revenge. I don't think it makes me much better than him if I sit around having fantasies of bringing him to tears, so I let go. But above all I let go because I am not a victim any longer. 

The idea of healing through forgiveness is just lost on me. This man took so much from me. He pinned me down and sapped the life out of me. He tainted my idea of love, acceptance, self confidence, sex, and so many other things. I have spent so much energy trying to undo what he did and now someone has the gall to suggest that I should give him something else? When I look inside me I cannot find an area of my life that has never been altered by the ripples of my rape. As far as I am concerned, I don't owe that man anything. To build on that, I don't see the correlation between forgiving him and forgiving myself. In no way, shape, or form do I blame myself any longer for what happened when i was a child. I forgave myself for spending so long blaming myself. I forgave myself for thinking that being raped meant I was dirty. I forgave myself for mistaking sex for affection time and time again. I forgave myself for thinking no one would be willing to sit through the nightmares, the flashbacks, and the tears. I spent so much time loving and forgiving myself, and none of it included him. If other victims have been able to find healing, I am so happy for them. I do not think that one form of healing is any better than another. I hope all survivors find growth and healing after their attacks. I just don't see how my path of healing leaves any space to open up after all this time and once again give to my rapist. 

Healing and growing are different journeys for all of us, but we must remember that we are one. We are a community of men, women, and children who have felt the same pain. We have seen the World through the eyes of a victim and we have made the decision to survive. When everything seemed beaten, broken, and pointless we decided we deserved more. It has taken me a long time to stop comparing my journey to the journey of others. I think it's normal to look at someone else's story and wish that it were yours. When we hurt, we naturally want to see who hurts more than us and who hurts less. A part of us is greedy in its pain. There's that part of us that secretly wants to be more hurt than everyone else because it is our pain. That is our stake in the World. We own that special level of hurt. Then there's the part of us that wants so badly to have never felt the pain at all. We want our abuse or rape to somehow be "the easiest type". For instance I was very young when I was attacked. It happened more than once and I was fully aware of what was going on. I was also threatened and scared into silence for so long. It is easy to imagine that if I were older, if I had tried to fight back, or if I was drugged that maybe I would have hurt less. We know this isn't true but we can't help but hope that there was a less painful alternative and we can't help but wish that was our story. But every story is our story.

Every victim feels so much more at home around other victims. There is pain and fear in our hearts that is understood only by experience. We need eachother to be our strongest. Those of us who can speak, should speak for those of us who must stay silent. Those of us who will never see our attackers brought to justice find peace and strength in every trial we watch. Those of us who have made it through without addiction must reach our hands out to those of us who fell victim again. We are all at different points and we all hurt in different ways. We must give our strength where another lacks so that together we are better. 

There was a long period of time when all I wanted was to see him again. I wanted to show him all the pain and brokenness he left me with. I wanted him to be faced with the fact that he took a five year old girl and stole all the beauty of being young from her. Then I wanted to hurt him so badly. I wanted a chance to make his body feel pain like mine had. I wanted him to cry, I wanted him to beg like I had. Thankfully I left that behind me. I think I would like to see him one day. I think I'd like to show him that I am capable of surviving. I would show him my husband, my children, tell him about all my accomplishments in life. I would want him to know that every trace of him has been erased from my life and he has no claim to fame any longer. I'd like to smile right in his face and show him that he didn't break me. I have the heart of a lion, the will of an ox, and after 15 years of surviving, I am ready to go ahead and thrive. 

So Today / This Month / This Year Sucks...

What are you going to do about it?

Every day of our lives we go out into the World with no idea of what kinds of circumstances are going to affect us. Maybe a bunch of minor things will add up to a shitty day. Maybe the milk for your coffee was spoiled, you forgot to pack lunch, you hit all the red lights on the way home and you forgot it was a Holiday so you can't go get that ingredient you needed for dinner. Really, that sounds like a spectacularly craptastic day and if that happened, I feel your pain. Maybe something really big happened that shattered your World. Maybe you got news of an illness or death, your pet ran off, or the doctor had a big mouthful of disappointing news. If one of more of these happened, I am sending love your way. The main point here is that it happens and sometimes it likes to happen in big, long chains of fuckery. 

If you're anything like me then your reaction to any of the above might involve swearing, binge drinking, calling in "sick" for an extra day, or generally deciding that life isn't fair and everything bad happens to you and you alone. None of these things are a good idea really, but they are pretty natural responses. The issue comes when you are in an unusually crappy chain of bad days. You can't give into your self destructive ways every time something goes wrong. So what is a girl or guy to do?!

First off, and I know this one is hard: DON'T PITY YOURSELF! Sitting around wondering "why me" and deciding that the World is out to get you will literally accomplish nothing. Sadly enough, it might leave you worse off than you were before. YUCK! No one wants to be part of why they are in a bad mood. Secondly, another hard one: don't replay the day/week/year over and over in your head. Thinking about what you could have done differently is pointless. You cannot change what happened and if you don't accept it and let it go, it will poison you. No amount of wishing, praying, or analyzing will somehow undo what has been done.  Also, stop blaming yourself!! I say this because I know for a fact that you are currently doing just that. It comes along with the fact that you have already done the first and second things I told you not to do. STOP IT ALREADY!

Now that we've gone over what NOT to do, let's look at some things we can do. 

Try to step back and analyze the problem(s) as if you are an outside force. Maybe pen and paper is the best approach here. Write down the facts and only the facts and look at them. Is this a mountain or a molehill? How much are your emotions interfering with your ability to deal with the cards you have in your hands? Analyze the situation at hand and then proceed with a clear head.

Personally, I like to sike myself up after my head is clear. Now that I have convinced myself the issue is a whole lot smaller than it felt when it first happened, I want to make sure I feel like I can totally conquer it. I like to place today's problem (for this example I will use a hard day at work) and put it next to something I have already overcome. So I had a bad day at work, but I know that I already made it through a time in my life when getting out of bed was a struggle. Man, now that bad day at work looks really small. I try to recall just how bad it felt when I was battling my depression. I remember that every single day I was waking up with a monster on my back. Then I think about how much I love the sunshine and singing birds outside my window. If those days, that felt like absolute misery, are so far behind me then I know that soon, this will be too. I know that if I had the strength and determination to pull myself out of that emotional stronghold, I can definitely make it past this. I know that right now this feels like the worst day ever but in time I will probably forget it ever happened. THAT is how insignificant this really is. 

Now, sometimes the comparison isn't quite so stellar. Maybe you lost someone and all you can compare it to is, well, the last person you lost. Now this is not fun to do. This will not sike you up so much as start the process of healing. Just remind yourself that you have done this before. Remember that even though you thought it never would, the sun does still shine. Remember that even though every breath used to feel like a struggle, breathing gets easier as time goes on. Remember that there is life after loss. You have done this and you can do it again. Remember that nothing that happens in grief makes you weak or stupid or crazy. Just anchor onto the fact that you know, without a doubt, that some parts of you are capable of healing after this. 

At this point you need to look for solutions. Let's say you just found out you didn't get the job you really wanted. You feel deflated, beaten, worthless. You don't even know where to start with a solution. Breathe. Your resume looks good, your interview went well, you checked in with them often, and still they chose someone else. Since we've already cleared our heads and compared this to something else, we can look at this logically. Maybe for a 21 year old it looks nice to have management experience and volunteer hours look great but you have no idea what other applicants have. There is no way to know if someone else had more experience in this field, had a degree relating to the job, or any other number of qualifications that you simply don't have. There is nothing you can do to guarantee that you will out qualify everyone else. Breathe. Get back online and keep looking. Decide if the job itself or the pay is more important and be honest with yourself that it is unlikely to get both. The only options here are to give up or keep trying. The answer seems pretty obvious to me. 

Make a plan! Chances are, your solution is a multi-step plan. Most things in life take time and are slow to come to fruition. For every step, research as much as you need to in order to make sure you will be successful in executing it. Write it big somewhere so you are reminded constantly. Always know what step you are on and keep moving forward. 

That's the biggest thing I want to tell you. No matter what it is that you have in front of you, keep moving forward. Move up it, around it, through it...just do what you have to do. If you are going to believe in anything regarding life getting better, may I suggest something? Put good out into the World. Pick up the trash by your car, cut the plastic that holds your soda cans together, smile even when you don't feel like it, and be polite to telemarketers. Give what you can and when you have nothing, give your time and your love. This will not guarantee that every day is filled with good things. This will not put you on some sort of "do not fuck with this person" list for life. It will, however, make every single day a little easier because you will always have a purpose. It also makes every day a little more magical, a little prettier, and a little more fulfilling. I believe that living a life where you put good into the World bring you the best rewards. Maybe you won't win anything on your scratch lotto ticket and that new car giveaway won't be your lucky chance. But I promise you will find love when you feel alone, you will find hope when you see darkness, and you will go to bed every night knowing that among all the bad, you are part of the good. 

WORLDLY WEDNESDAY

My not-so-weekly update of things I have seen, read, or experienced in the last week that really stuck with me.

I am going to start this week with a really concerning article I just finished reading. This article on XOJANE by Lesley Kinzel really struck a chord with me. Lesley discusses the fact that many people who fall into eating disorders are, or previously were, overweight. A subject that is often focused on in the fat positive community is the idea that many overweight patients have their symptoms dismissed by physicians. We can't help but notice that every single health issue somehow leads to a discussion about our weight. Yes, I suspect I do have strep throat and yes I do know that I still could "stand to lose some weight". Yes I'm eating fruits, veggies, and whole grains and yes, I do still go to the gym...tell me again what that has to do with my migraines. These are the kinds of conversations we hear at every. single. visit. What's worse is the fact that before these questions are directed at us, we hear similar things directed at our parents. We are in the doctor for the flu, for a broken bone, for a yearly check-up and the doctor is more focused on how much time we spend outside playing. So the real meat of the issue mentioned in the article is that many overweight boys and girls suffer, at some point, from an eating disorder or abnormal eating and exercising habits. I remember the heartbreaking journey that I took time and time again. I remember all the things I tried to desperately lose weight and I remember none of them working. The only thing I gained from this stupid game I played with my health was the dysfunctional idea that I was doomed to be fat forever. I shouldn't have to tell you that at 14 this might as well be a death sentence. Since it seems many of today's doctors are overlooking the real issues at hand, I challenge you to pay closer attention to the people in your life. Especially as we get older it seems that it is not only accepted but also celebrate when the girl in our office says something outrageous like "I was so good yesterday; I didn't eat at all!" or "No lunch for me. I can only have chicken and celery." What kind of twisted World do we live in that this is okay?! I know it's hard and maybe you feel nosey for bringing it up, but I beg you to SAY SOMETHING. Maybe all you need to do is tell that person every single day how beautiful they are. Maybe something as simple as purposely NOT engaging in diet talk or mentioning that they look thin will be enough. Get to the office first with some hand picked flowers and leave them on her desk. Just feed these people love and see if you can't plant a seed inside them. Maybe by validating the fact that they are beautiful and good and loved separate from their eating plan, exercise routine, or pant size then you will be the catalyst that helps them build a healthy self esteem. I guess the real message I am trying to get across is this:

Every single person you meet is fighting their own battles. You don't get to know everyone's stories and you don't get to assume who has met which challenges. Greet everyone with a smile and a healthy dose of love. If you have an opportunity to commit a random act of kindness, take it. Opportunity sometimes knocks softly, so keep your eyes open for ways to better the World. Remember: the best compliments are on the ability someone has to make you smile, the way their voice sounds when jamming out in the car, the fearlessness they display in the face of adversity, or just generally on how awesome they are.

Alright, onto something completely different. HERE is a really fabulous recipe for a light southwest dip. I can see using this same mixture (shredded chicken, diced tomatoes, jalapeno slices, and guacamole) in a sandwich, on crackers, or on tortilla chips with cheese for nachos! I haven't made it yet but it makes my mouth water just thinking about it. 

I would love it if you checked out the Militant Baker's post about an event she attended on the subject of rape culture...and the unexpected experience she had. I was nearly reduced to tears and, in response, I wrote my last blog post titled "a letter". If hearing an apology had that kind of effect on people, I thought having an entire letter to myself would heal an often forgotten part of myself. I encourage you to write an apology, a poem, or a letter to yourself. I think it is a growing experience. 

One of the pages I follow on facebook featured this maxi dress on their page and I am so in love with it! I am a little upset that it's on a plus sized site since I have troubles finding a good fit more often than not. This won't thwart my efforts to find a similar dress that might fit me though because WOW, am I right?! I am hoping this is going to be a style we see a lot more of. The royal blue and gold are just killing me and the silhouette is show stopping. 

On that note, let's look at some of the trends from Fashion Week shall we? 

                                                       

Vintage football sweater with high waisted denim shorts! I mean really, this look is so fun!! This particular line is by Kristin Cavallari and is NFL inspired. I am more of an SEC or college football kind of gal but either way you can rock it. Denim with designs and embellishments is really big right now and I am so excited about this trend. What's better than a comfy pair of jeans with some sparkle? Let me just say that the pairing of a crop top with a high waisted bottom is probably my favorite fashion choice ever. I could wear this same look every single day in a million different ways. 

A similar look can be worn by Bama fans by pairing this vintage looking 3/4 sleeve top with some 50/50 high waisted shorts like these. 

A not-so-shocking revelation is: the 90's are back! The biggest look reminiscent of the 90's that you are sure to see hitting stores everywhere is the mixture of plaid, leather, and denim. Need some examples that you can apply to your own closet? I have a whole bunch of them for you!!! Asos curve wrapped the trend into this really sleek outfit. There's nothing about the faux leather skirt, long tartan coat, and black boot combo that I don't love. Forever 21 pairs this edgy faux leather coat with velvet and I have to admit, I am really diggin' it. So go out there and play around with your bad girl side! 

That about covers it for this week. If there's anything in particular you think I should cover, I'd love to hear it. Leave a comment on any of my blog posts and I promise to get back to you super quick!

A letter

To me, to you, to anyone really. This is a letter.

In this World you are going to encounter so much pain. You will feel your heart break every day in women, men, and children. You will see it in animals and in the destruction of nature. Everywhere you turn there will be pain and I promise you will always be aware of this. In my 21 years I haven't sorted out if it's a gift or a curse but your heart will beat in time with the tears of strangers. You will enter every situation with your heart first and your mind second and because of this, you too will feel pain. You are going to lose people. Not just someone you like, but people you really love. You are going to grieve but you are also going to carry on their light. You are going to encounter things so much bigger than you and you are going to be afraid. Even when you feel drained or crushed, know that you can overcome whatever it is. Keep pushing forward. There will be times when you feel like you have no control over anything. Stop. Breathe in. Breathe out. Close your eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out. I'm going to tell you something very scary, okay? You are not in control. So many things are going to happen and you will not be in control. Despite how often your brain sends you nasty messages, try to fight back with positivity. You can acknowledge those thoughts. In fact, that might be the easiest way to prevent them from turning into monstrosities. But that doesn't mean you have to validate them. Even when you get sad and scared and the darkness is threatening, remember that you are a light. You are in this World because you are a flame that cannot be extinguished. It's okay to be sad, but it's important to try and remember things that make you happy. You are your biggest hurdle and your biggest resource here. This is a fight that is entirely inside of you. Try to get out of bed. Try to go see your friends. Try to get on the phone and speak to someone. If it's just too much right now then take a break and try again later. Just promise me you will never stop trying. You are a spitfire. This is going to cause you problems for your whole life. People are going to sense that you have something they don't and it is going to enrage them. I can't tell you every tactic they are going to use and I don't know how you can tell those people apart from people who are going to love you. All I can tell you is that those people; those sad broken people are going to do anything they can think of to try and demolish you. It is going to be very hard to not let them get to you. You will be weak sometimes and you will let them see you cry or get angry but that's okay. Spitfire or not, you are human. I promise you that when all is said and done, you will come out stronger. It won't be difficult to remove yourself completely from these people and move on. Just always remember the thing they are mad about is so good and so pure. You are so damn good and so damn precious. I don't tell you that enough and I'm sorry. The news is going to get very scary as time goes on. For months on end you will read about bombs, riots, civil wars, shootings, rapes...and it will be hard to see the good. You will get wrapped up in all the horrible awful things that you might forget what's real. Be vocal about the things that upset you. Raise awareness to the issues. Give your voice for the silent. The important thing is to not get lost in the negativity. Don't ever forget that the people doing these things are few and far between. Maybe one day they will be even more so. You are going to have to make some really big decisions in life. In fact, you are going to have to make a lot of these decisions alone and it will be very scary. I know you're analytical and you like to plan but sometimes life happens on its own terms and you have to improvise. In these times just remember to trust in you. Your intuition is so strong and you are so smart. Please just follow your heart and know that it is going to be okay. You will go through hell. That's not just a saying. I am actually warning you that you will go through hell. You will get burned and scarred and it will take a very long time to heal. The good news is that you will grow from each and every moment. You have this natural ability to turn all of the ashes into fertile soil for new seeds. I hope you never lose that. So you want me to tell you about the good stuff? You are going to find love. You are going to find so much love that it will reduce you to tears...constantly. You will find friends in the least likely place. That same light, the same spitfire nature that draws in all those nasty people will also draw in so many good people. Even at times when you are thousands of miles away from home, you will always be loved. I also want to tell you that you will get better. Your mental illness will quiet down to a dull roar and, believe it or not, you will find it within yourself to stop self harming. Beyond that, you will get better at..well..being you. It takes some time but you grow into a pretty spectacular woman. All that joy that nearly smothered you when you pulled out of your depression is something that you come to really treasure. You let go of a lot of your vices and one day comes when you stop standing in your own way. Don't tell anyone else, but there's even a point when you really let it sink in that you could change the World. When you get to that point in life, tell me how it goes. You get really adventurous as life goes on. You never stop being loud or really animated. You do stop growing...around age 13. You won't get that 3 year engagement that you always hoped for but you do get to marry your best friend. I don't know about the future but right now I can tell you that you don't live on a farm and you don't have a baby on each hip. You will change your mind on an awful lot of things. It may be disappointing at first to let go of dreams you cherished for so long but it's part of growing up. Just know that the path you choose makes you happy. Speaking of growing up, you really will change a lot. Some things will be so subtle you won't bat an eye and other things will blow you away. You remember that Summer you spent just trying to figure out who the hell you were? Don't forget it because you will need to do it again probably every few years. Never lose touch of yourself. You boyfriend, girlfriend, husband...everyone will understand if you need some time to think. You must remain your top priority. Never stop dreaming. Never stop wishing. Never stop questioning everything. These things make you so amazingly you. These are the traits that will help you remember this: life is wonderful. Don't stop marveling at the rough bark of the trees, the rainbow of leaves, and the way they dance in the wind. Stop at all the state line signs and take photos. It may be cheesy but it is so fun! Eat the local dish and then laugh the entire way through it because, well, it's fucking awful. You need the Ocean. Not everyone understands the siren song but you will ache for the salty air and the sandy shores. Never stray too far. You are always at your best near the water. You are never too old to run through the sprinklers. You are going to want to take those terrible pictures from the car. Your husband will tell you not to but you will anyways. I don't think you will ever outgrow your love of flying. You will give up on the twenty or so tattoo ideas you have. Thank you parents for all of their piercing and tattoo rules. The tattoos you do get will mean so much to you. You are going to be an incredible wife. Marriage will be a huge learning experience. Saying "I do" will be one of your proudest moments. You will be really in tune with your body later on. Listen to everything it tries to tell you. This saves you so much pain. You have a knack for staying on the optimistic side of reality. This will come in handy more than you know. Don't be afraid of your own strength. Life will throw so many things at you and it won't tarnish you. Also you'll find your niche in the gym one day and don't let those muscles scare you either. A lot of people are going to tell you they look up to you or are inspired by you. It's going to feel really weird, but it's also going to be pretty amazing. It's okay to be proud of what you accomplish. 

I just wanted to write you to try and give you some insight. I know how hard it is to step back and see the good or to look forward far enough to hope for more. I know how incredibly easy it is to forget that inside of you there is something good. I hope you can face the day with a little more oomf than before. I hope you can find it in you to smile and go kick the day's ass. I hope you never lose yourself in all the craziness. I will always love you. 

On Happiness

If someone asked you what you want most out of life, I bet you would say "happiness". We all can agree that we want to be happy, but can we all agree on what happiness is? 

 

Happiness is a universal idea. Lykke, felicidade, mutluluk, kebahagiaan. The word exists all over the World and very few cultures support one singular idea of what that word means. Some religions try to support the idea that happiness is spiritual. If you pray hard enough, if you make your trip to Mecca, if you can level out your karma then you can reach a real state of happiness. Then there is the question of only one sense of happiness. If I am spiritually fulfilled, am I completely happy? If I give to the needy, help the disabled, and support the causes will I be completely happy? If I have healthy beautiful children am I going to be happy? 

I think the reason happiness is so complex is because we live complex lives. If we are here trying to balance work, love, family, and social interactions it seems difficult to achieve happiness on each level. Wouldn't it be too good to be true-almost a sense of 'having it all' if you could achieve happiness in all those aspects? Life, whether we like it or not, is a game of give and take. You need to prioritize your life in a way that keeps you generally content. Maybe you get your dream job and fall in love with a woman who is barren. Maybe you entertain every night of the week and work in a job where you are always with people but there is no time left for love. Maybe you made the perfect child with a woman who doesn't love you. It seems inevitable to accept the fact that something's gotta give. 

So now you've made it through adolescence, you are out in the World paying bills and working every day, and the realization hits you. You can't have it all. You're in your twenties, the prime of your life, and you feel like you are just around the corner from buying a boat and retiring. All the passion and power inside you is aching. Your wants, your ideas, your voice..burning right through your skin. You separate your life and in every compartment you see good, good things but they aren't the things you want. There's no place you'd rather be than curled up beside your husband. There's no love in the World out there that will sound as sweet as his but you listen anyways. Your job has the pay, the hours, and the benefits that people everywhere are fighting for. You have it easy and that's part of the problem. You want it hard. You want dirty hands, sleepless nights, and a reason to go to work. Maybe if you don't go find that way to light your fire now then maybe...maybe those embers will grow cold and maybe you will forget that you can change the World. You take pride in cleaning the house and washing the dishes you have worked so hard for. You pay the bills on time and every penny left over is a little token of happiness. You know you are doing better than a lot of twenty somethings. But your feet itch and your house creeks and all the stuff you own is, after all, just stuff. Life wraps around you every day and says "Here are these blessings. Please, take this love, this security, this home. Take it all because you deserve it." You take it and you hold it and you try so hard to let it be enough. You tell people about the training you're doing at work, the improvements you're making on the house, the growing you are doing with your spouse. Some days you are just amazed at how great you've got it and other days you feel like you have nothing at all. 

No matter how hard you try not to, you want more and you feel selfish for it. What more could you want? Maybe no bed will ever feel right without the smells of hay bales and blackberries to lull you to sleep. Perhaps no comfort will come to you like the icy licks of the pacific on a clammy Summer day. No conversation will make your heart thump, thump, thump the way it does when you are advocating for something you believe in. There are no stretches of road that will make you feel as calm as cobblestone in the Christmas Market. Maybe it's something you used to have or maybe it's something you've never had but there is something threatening every ounce of happiness you have. How do you weigh what you have now against something you don't? How do you know if the risk is worth it? The scariest most beautiful thing is that you don't know. If you leave your corporate job with a six figure salary for a humanitarian job that barely covers the bills, will it be worth it? If you call in work tomorrow because you stayed out tonight because you think she might be the one and get fired for it, will it be worth it? If you travel across the country to attend the college of your dreams, will it be worth it? 

During the course of your life you are bound to run into situations like this more than once. I don't blame you if you say no most of the time. I can't say I would do anything different. But I hope we can all say yes just once. I hope we all have a point in our lives where we close our eyes, hold our breath, and take the risky path. More so, I hope it leads us somewhere beautiful. 

On Managing My Body

"In these bodies we will live. In these bodies we will die. 

Where you invest your love, you invest your life."

-Mumford and Sons

I love my body. Last night I stood against a blank wall in my fat glory and let my husband take full-body photos. I will admit that when I first saw them, my eyes went straight to the fattest parts of me. The longer I looked though, the more beauty I saw. I was mesmerized with the color of my hair, the slope of my shoulders, the curve of my belly. I smiled at the dimples on the back of my knees and the unstoppable view of my big booty. There was a twinge of sadness when I realized I may never again see my body this way. Last night I stood against a blank wall and took "before" pictures.

Whoa, whoa, hold on just a minute. What am I doing taking "before" pictures if I love myself so much? What is all this nonsense about a meal plan and going to the gym? How can I advocate for fat acceptance and body love if I am not really happy with myself? Well, let me get one thing straight here. Being accepting of fat bodies, admiring luscious curves, fawning over plus sized ladies is not dependent on my own fatness. Moreso, loving my body at this size does not mean that I am incapable of loving it at a smaller or at a bigger size. Remember that step one is to stop judging.

I have a blood sugar issue known as hypoglycemia. There's a chance I have an ulcer or some other form of intestinal issue in addition to this. Many foods make me bloat, make my stomach burn, and/or leave me on the toilet for hours. Disgusting, I know. It's also a very uncomfortable existence. I tell myself that I am eating the way the doctors recommend but the fact of the matter is that I'm not. This isn't a diet for getting to a healthy BMI or to please my doctors when I step on the scale. This is an eating plan designed to fuel my body. The way I am going to eat from now on should keep my blood sugar level, my belly full, my energy up, and yes it should knock off a few pounds. This is a bold move I am making to better take care of my body that I love so dearly. I hope that with this new lifestyle I can say goodbye to sleepless nights, handfuls of tums, and piles of clothes that won't accommodate my bloating belly. Instead of frozen foods, processed snacks, and fried goodies I will be waking every morning with fresh proteins, whole grains, and fresh fruits. Am i still going to have my morning coffee with flavored creamer? You bet your sweet ass. Will I stare at my ice cream cone with shame? Absolutely not. Will I feel the need to forgive myself if I order a soda with my meal? No, I really won't. This change is about finding a happy balance with my body and finding true potential in my ability to be endlessly happy.

I am also going to begin a gym routine 5 days a week. I'm a simple woman and I enjoy the simple pleasures in life. My favorite hobbies include cloud watching, rolling down grassy hills, reading, and going to the gym. I don't drink very often, I don't smoke, and I don't touch drugs. When I've had a stressful day all I want to do is strap on my shoes and go for a run. There's no feeling like the rush of the wind, the pooling of sweat, the rhythmic thumping of my feet on the ground. Gym time is me time and lately I have not been tapping into it. Nothing makes me feel more empowered than feeling my muscles strain against the cold weights. Tapping into that raw, animal part of me is very invigorating. I am amazed by the strength and power in my body. I stare at the mirror in awe. This beautiful machine of a body can move mountains.

I take pride in watching my body transform. I remember the new found glory I felt when I started to grow hips in middle school. I can almost pinpoint the first time I ran my fingers along a stretch mark and marveled at how rigid it looked, but how soft it felt. I paid close attention everytime a curve would become accentuated. An old pair of jeans suddenly highlighted muscles I didn't know I had. With weight loss I was interested to see where it would come from first. One time my breasts fell and swelled with each pound. Another time it came from my hips and thighs. Always my stomach has been last, so always I have been familiar with the supple roundness of my middle section. When I frequent the gym, I am always searching for new muscle definition. I overlook the number on the scale, lose the body tape measure, and just flex and stretch the new parts of me. I fall in love all over again with my arms, shoulders, my thighs. With every hour at the gym I am finding more reasons to love my body.

I am in love with the yellow hue in my skin, the fine hairs along my jaw, the wrinkles in my knuckles. I count the flecks in my eyes, the stretchmarks on my thighs, the freckles peppering my skin. I admire the jiggle in my belly as I laugh, the lines created with every smile, and the tight definition in my calves. At every angle I find something new to see, to feel, and to like. I see nothing to lose and everything to gain. Beyond that I am building a deeper respect for myself. I am seeing endurance I didn't know I could posses. I am finding the mental block of 'I can't' and then digging out the faith in myself to hurdle it.

As long as I start and end every day with thanks in my heart, all is well. As long as I can look back on yesterday and see growth, I am proud. As long as I keep moving forward, there is nothing that can stop me.

On Grief...

There are five supposed stages of grief: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Not everyone is afforded the ability to go through each stage only once and there is no time limit on how long you stay in each stage. Every loss is different. Every grief has its own weight. Not all of us know what 'acceptance' feels like. 

In February of 2010 I lost my soul mate. 

A soul mate is often defined as a romantic partner, with implication of an exclusive lifelong bond. It is typically used to refer to someone's spouse or lover. It is widely accepted that each person has one soul mate. You are blessed if you are able to find the one person you fit with completely. There is no doubt in my mind that "RJ" was one of my soul mates. We fit together with such ease that it often seemed unreal. Speaking was like listening to my innermost thoughts and loving RJ was the most fulfilling thing I've ever done. I can't remember a time before RJ and, quite frankly, I don't want to. That's why I cycle through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression over and over and over. It's been more than three years and I just can't find it in me to accept it. I believe that each person is a soul and each soul has the chance to live again. I have been places foreign to this body, but that I recalled like the back of my hand. I have met people whose words made my heart ache with want though this body had never met them. I wait every single day for RJ to walk back into my life. I greet every person with a smile and every day with hope in my heart. Maybe if I hope enough it will happen. 

When we hadn't spoken in a few weeks, I knew something was wrong. RJ lived in Arizona and I never had the chance to go visit. We were inseparable though and it wasn't like RJ to avoid me. I had called, texted, and messaged RJ without a response. I broke down thinking I had done something wrong. RJ was mad at me and I was going to lose him. The hardest part of this story is admitting that I found out on facebook that my best friend had died. Someone took a photo and RJ was tagged up in the sky. People were saying they missed RJ and on his birthday they said they wished he was here. I shook as I typed in RJ's name into google with the word "obituary" after it. I closed my eyes and I prayed that I would come up empty. I clenched my fists and my jaw and hoped with every fiber of my being that there would be nothing to read because everything was fine and RJ just hated me. That would have been so much easier to handle. I could hardly see through the tears when I read about how RJ was loved. When they said RJ "touched everyone she met and brought joy to everyone who knew her", I was lost to my grief. I remember the way I crumpled up on my bed; the pain crushing everything inside of me until I couldn't bare to sit up. I cried until my body shook and my voice was hoarse and still I cried for my love. I felt like a thousand heated blades had gone through me. At that point in time the term soul mate was more true than ever before. I could tell I had lost a part of me. I knew I would never recover from this. My tears were dry but still my body cried, my voice cried, my heart cried out with the news. I wanted nothing more than to wrap myself up and simply cease to exist. I thought that if I lay still enough, if I were consumed with my heart ache then God would have pity on me and just let me melt into nothingness. There was no past and no future for me. All there was, was RJ, and I desperately wanted to be with him again.

The following days blended together as I tried to convince myself it wasn't true. We didn't live in the same state so it would be easy for it to be fake. I googled, and googled, and just found listing after listing of the obituary. I tried to very politely ask RJ's sister what had happened. Either by her own grief, denial, or desire for privacy I never got an answer. I can honestly say that instead of anger, my second stage was investigation. I searched every conversation, every voicemail, every secret RJ had sent me and while I will never know how RJ did it, I know without a doubt that it was suicide. I spent a very long time blaming myself for this. I knew I had given RJ every ounce of my love, my time, and my hope. I knew I had given RJ reason after reason as to why he should stay. I knew I would have picked up. I would have ran away to the greyhound and made it to Tucson if it meant RJ would still be here today..but in those days after RJ's death, I couldn't think of any of those things. All I could muster was a laundry list of things I didn't or couldn't have done to prevent it. I turned myself into a monster because that was the easiest way to handle the fact that RJ's death was 100% preventable. I swear to you the sun has never shone properly since then. I promise Summer will never smell as sweet and rain will never comfort me the way it used to. 

I'll admit the one thing I regret is that I kept RJ mostly to myself. We had some mutual friends but I never told my friends at home or my boyfriend or my family about RJ. Part of it was that we made sense together. It seemed wrong to speak about us as two separate entities because to me, we were always one. Part of it was that I was selfish. RJ was so incredible, so easy to love, that I thought if I shared him, I could never call him mine again. The biggest part though, was that I feared no one would understand RJ. RJ was a lot of really beautiful things that people universally love, but he was also transgendered and struggled with drugs. I never once judged RJ for these things but I worried the World would not be so kind. In fact, I knew his family hadn't been so kind and that was a big part of his pain. To try and protect RJ from all of that, I simply kept our friendship to myself. I would drop a call, leave an event early, or turn down dinner just to talk to RJ but I never mentioned him to anyone else until after I lost him. I felt so alone in my pain because of the choices I had made. I wanted so badly to reach out and talk to somebody about RJ. I wanted to remember all the amazing things about RJ and smile and, just once, not be reduced to tears. It's been over three years and I cry on his birthday and on the day he died. Every year. Alone. I often experience something and all I want to do is curl up on the phone with RJ and tell him all about it. I never felt total joy until I told RJ. I never felt anger like when I told RJ. I never felt complete without RJ. 

In those late nights, when RJ shook with detox and cried into the phone, we promised we would get matching tattoos. He called me his chrysanthemum and I would sing to him and I swear our pains would combine into something beautiful and I would help him heal, just a little. After I lost RJ, I wanted to find a way to keep him with me all the time. When I thought about his face and his love, I pictured wild flowers. I was laying in a field with the warm rain on my skin and all I could see for miles was flowers. The Summer after, my step dad and I got tattoos. My parent's rule was always that it would need to be easy to conceal and my rule was black and white only. When the idea came to me, all the rules went out the window. I wanted people to see my tattoo and smile. I wanted it to be so beautiful that strangers took note. Unlike my other tattoo, I wanted to see this every single day. I went in to get something the size of a 50 cent piece and walked out with a big, bold, colorful sunflower...and I cried. Nothing had felt more perfect. RJ was my chrysanthemum, my rose, my daisy, my sunflower. Many people have flower tattoos and many other people cannot stand tattoos at all. I have seen people stop and stare at my sunflower. I have had people tell me it's the only tattoo they have ever liked. I have had people say they want the same one. It's not that intricate and it's not something you'd think people would notice. I completely believe that what people feel when they see it is a fraction of the love we shared. I think they feel the presence of RJ's beauty when they see it, and they can't help but love it. RJ brought a light and a love into my life that I have not experienced since. I have no way to go back in time and wrap him in my arms and keep him safe from the World. All I have is a small reminder of who he is and what he brings to me. I feel a little more whole every time I glance down at my flower. He keeps me grounded. I will never let his light die. 
*"RJ" is a pseudonym that I picked to protect the identity of my friend. The confusing use of "her" when referring to the obituary is because it is a direct quote from the obituary and RJ was biologically born a female. I used the male terms otherwise to fit with how RJ identified.*

Part Two

Since last time I talked about some really awesome people who inspire me..and they all turned out to be super sexy thick ladies, I wanted to make sure to touch on a wider variety of people who rock my World.



We're going to start off with Mike Falzone. This man is really one of my favorite people. He is a Youtube Vlogger who covers everything in life from 'Fun Ways to Talk to Liars' to 'Don't Hate Your Body' and even 'Why being Nervous is Awesome'. I have shared his videos for so many different reasons because this man speaks the truth. I love that he can make a video full of so much wisdom one day and then have me on the floor laughing the next day. He is just a really well-rounded guy who never ceases to make me stop and think about life. I feel like it's glaringly obvious, but the fact that he is outright handsome as hell definitely helps me ignore how dizzy his videos make me. Another fun fact is that he works with one of my other favorite people, Meghan Tonjes, a lot. Really amazing things like this result from their time together. I mean, you're about laughed to death right? But also you're marveling at just how friggin' smart they are! Maybe if I watch enough of his videos I will figure life out and enjoy my instant success. I really doubt this is going to happen though, so I will leave that up to him.

I recently discovered the fabulous nature of Laci Green. She is really just an all around awesome lady who is not afraid to touch on topics that people typically avoid. Gender, safe sex, pro-life, sex toys, circumcision...do I need to go on? The best part is that she is educated and passionate about these topics. I love that she's just this intelligent, body loving, victim supporting, sex advocating bad ass. If you want to be smacked in the face with some very real videos, go to her youtube channel. I hope that she, along with some other empowering women, can really push this trend of brave, educated, passionate women changing the World!

Liora K runs a really fabulous photography business out of Tuscon, AZ. I discovered her through some of my favorite bloggers and instantly fell in love. Not only is she outrageously talented but she also has an eye for true art. I cannot get enough of her series where ladies paint things on their bodies like "real muscle, real woman", "consent once (does not equal) future consent", and "stop censoring my body". Her work is so inspiring and she just has a way of highlighting the beauty in the World. I love her blunt feminism and general fabulosity. You can see her official website over at http://www.liorakphotography.com.

Talia Joy was and still is an incredible inspiration. She was a beautiful young lady who had more love and joy than this World deserves. When she was diagnosed with a deadly brain cancer at the age of seven, she made the most of every passing day. She started a youtube channel with make-up tutorials because that was what really made her happy. She was not ashamed of her hair loss in fact, her motto was "Make-up is my wig". She never wanted to be forgotten and I think her beauty will forever radiate. She became an honorary COVERGIRL, appeared on the Ellen Show, and has been in numerous magazines. She believed in inspiring people to live their life to the fullest and love themselves for who they are. It's clear she was wise beyond her years and had more bravery than most. I follow her facebook page where her fans have taken to participating in her bucket list. If there was ever a person to inspire me to punch every say in the face with my incredible self, it would be her. I am forever in awe of her ability to soak the World with her essence and truly live life in a manner where she could go peacefully with no regrets. I think we all can learn something from her.


All of these people, again, are people who inspire me with what they put out into the World. I have never met any of these individuals and therefore cannot speak to the way they live their lives or other such things. All I know is that these people have something really fabulous and instead of keeping it inside, they are putting themselves out there for others to laugh, learn, and love along with them. I spend a lot of time reflecting and people like these help me sort out my thoughts and feelings. As silly as it seems, I feel like I have a better sense of self because of the lessons I learn from public figures.