8/13/15 Wandering Thoughts

I feel fated

to be constantly adjusting

Foreign to the World

at the break of every dawn

Energy focused on holding, weighting, settling.

Expectations 

Where do you work

How much schooling have you had

What's your relationship like

Do you have kids

Stop 

Learn about who I am

outside of what you think I should have done

by the tender age of 23

...

Do you ever feel like you might
overflow
You are belly-ache full of emotion
and don't know how to let it go
Laughter gurgles its way up to your mouth
you bite it back
maybe it's the last thing that'll grace your lips
before you spill out
every word you never said
In bed at night you dream up
a list of things that might make you cry
and pray, under your breath, for relief
You once saw a movie
where a man went and screamed into the ocean
releasing his woes upon the tides
The things inside you are too much for the sea to carry
too wretched for the shore
You might be more suited for a cave
where every syllable can echo out,
skim the walls, and fall back onto you
Give space for your aches to finally erupt
to lay out in total heartbreak
carve names and dates into the stone
begging them to seep in and stay

Misc

They say that distance can be good for a relationship

each touch will seem softer; each kiss sweeter

As if you won't take for granted 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Absence makes the heart grow fonder but

what if the heart is fond enough?

I find myself measuring out emotions

Maybe this is a habit of all anxious people

Something inside me breaks 

Hungry heart, greedy heart, heart like a black hole

Heart always begging 

What have I ever been besides a girl

living heart first, brain second

Baths

I spent a lot of time in the tub
resting my weary legs and my aching bones.
For the first time in my life I understood
the need to be cradled.
I took inventory of the spaces and the places
where water pooled
And was surprised to find
myself no less whole than before.
Slowly I stretched my legs a little further,
let my shoulders fall open
and found joy in taking up so much space.

Unfinished thoughts

Love like food

Don't know how good it can be until the right person cooks

Story of leaving

Always running after

Stop to rest my legs

Find wanting in the leaving

Who knew I was capable of being wanted

lotion soaks into my skin 

dissolving like honey in tea

Sun pours over my body

like a wanderer at an oasis

Hands on my curves

Like braille

Ideas I can't shake, but can't turn into anything good

Feeling invincible after our fights
unbreakable

World tried to tear you down
Tried to tear yourself down
Have to believe when life leaves you empty

Shadows of your body
whiff of your scent
whispers of our moans

I never said thank you

Thalassophobia

I am a collector of irrational fears

The most notable being my fear of sea creatures

Which is also the most oxymoronical

because I am a child of the water and it grounds me

I think it stems from my natural connection

to the first memory I have of my step father

when we went to the aquarium in England

I get claustrophobic just thinking about the walls of fish

and I was scared and crying 

The claustrophobia and fear and crying are a repeating theme

in memories of my step-father

In the car crying, hyperventilating, puking

every memory I have is linked to that

There was a casino in Reno, where we lived in the house with the purple walls

An escalator took you past these big seahorse statues

that spouted water and looked so huge and menacing

It was in this weird hallway not around anything else

and I spent every trip down being both fascinated and terrified

Our fights always felt a little bit like drowning

and  he was the monster under my bed

but no worse than the terrors of the sea

Brain dump

In the evening he came to me

opened his arms and held me fervently

Pressed the valleys of his face

into the soft flesh at the curve of my neck

Opened his mouth only large enough

to let his troubles trickle out

Inhaled the scent upon my chest

swayed to the beat of my little rabbit heart

In the evening he came to me

opened up his strong chest

let me put my hands on his soft spots

In the evening he came to me

released his burden a little

let me absorb warm salty tears

In the evening

when he came to me

he let his love pour out

and let me shelter him 

He loves me like

When I say he might need to liquor me up
Because all the other times I was
All he has for me is "No."

When his Grandee says I'm just too pretty to shave my head
And she asks him, doesn't he agree?
All he says is "She is too pretty"

When I lay my red hot cheek on his arm
And he realizes that it's from my blood sugar being low
He pulls me up and pours me a glass of tea

When he grabs the last piece of bread,
He cuts it before he dips in in the oil
And hands half to me

Lists

Scrubbing, pouring, sifting
Looking at art for hours on end
Pen clicking. Hair smoothing.
Total disassociation
Anxious habits

Mathematical equations
Societal norms
Cats. Birds. Fish.
Halloween- seriously-why
Things I don't understand

Death. Emotions. Love.
Covering all bare skin with kisses
Soupy, over cooked, weird looking meals
Loud when I talk. Loud when I eat. Loud when I fuck.
Reasons why I'm hard to date

Do you ever wish you could experience an illness so you can better relate to people?
Have you tested your body- how long will your breath hold underwater, how long can you go without eating, at what point does your body shut down for sleep?
How many tears have you cried for people and places you'll never have a chance to know?
Questions I'd ask if I didn't think the answers were always going to be 'no'

Daily dilly

I know these might be getting old at this point. But if you consider the fact that I don't hardly update my facebook because I erase everything I type and/or I post it for 10 minutes and then delete it, then maybe you can really appreciate them. I put a lot of effort into getting things out onto paper or onto here before I lose them. And yeah, a lot of them are incomplete or crappy or whatever. But this is my artistic journey. These are my words and feelings and thoughts. So get used to it.


I sought you out tonight because I needed someone to tell
Lately my mind's been trapped in its own hurricane
My heart's been ripped from my chest over and over again
To the tune of every mistake I can recall
I'm being eaten alive by the hornets
I mean anxiety. It's anxiety. It's stress and nervousness and fuck, it's hornets
Tonight, like every other night, I am searching for one solid night of sleep
A few hours without sweating, without completely drawing into myself
Maybe a night without the nightmares of what has been
I thought I could take it all by myself. I thought I was better.
After 11 years don't I deserve to be healed?
Like you get a few months under your belt and you forget
Maybe I'm not made to be on my own
I keep telling myself that I need to get back into therapy
That's got to be the scariest thing I could admit
Pry myself open and pick at the scabs
Sob in the chair, in the car, on my floor
Take a leap backwards in attempt to ever be able to move forward
For once can't I move forward?
Well anyways I thought I'd call and yet..
I dialed your number about a hundred times
Forgetting that it was disconnected
You're the only one who could stand in the eye of my storm
I'd call your number every day if I could still hear that voicemail
I swear to you I'd sing 'You Are My Sunshine"
Until my throat was raw and bleeding
If only I could have you back
Sorry that I write about you only when I need you
Sorry that I waited so long to reach out to you
Sorry that you're my happy place even when you're not here

Inspiration part 3

Today is the seventh of July and that means it's been over seven months
Since 4 years of our lives were packed in cardboard boxes
Since Holidays came and went without celebration
Since air mattresses and sellers and buyers and chaos
Today is the seventh of July and that means almost nothing
I don't know when you first looked at me and the spark wouldn't catch
I don't know when love became such a heavy burden
I don't know when we decided to lay it down at the end of the day with our keys and our worries
To pick up or resolve or acknowledge another time
With more time and more energy
I don't know when we realized that day would never come
It's been seven very fast months and I am still writing about it
But please know I am not writing about regret
Please know I am not writing about some vast amount of love I'm holding back for you
Know I am not writing about what if, what if, what if.
I am running a broom through the cobwebs of my heart and mind
When the emotions float around like dustbunnies
I pin them to the paper
I stare at them long and hard
I acknowledge them and then I let them go

Inspiration pt. 2

Trying to push myself to stop and write whenever an idea strikes. Expect lots of entries like this.

When I catch a hair
With the roots still attached
I think idly of the tests we run
For every victim we see
I think that someone could use this
they could hold it against me and say
we can prove every smile you ever faked
pinpoint every time you fell in to and out of love
produce a highlight reel of your grandest mistakes
I think that maybe I am a wide open book
My spine is soft and I fall open at the seams
I think my walls are so easy to tear down
Like a kingdom under siege
Men on horses fill their pockets with my love
Stuff their faces with my secrets; cheeks full and sore
I think I am the butt of a joke
Of a lot of jokes about things people don't understand
The mean, quiet whispers that haunt you in the dark
I think that maybe I am going to change some day
I am going to change some things and it will change me
I will lift the mountains and move them
I will scoop the seas and turn the tides
I will gulp down the winds and unleash a storm one day
There will be a story, or a mural, or a glint in someone's eye
For me

Tiny sparks of inspiration

this new sprout
this radiating forever summer

Self inventory
new sprout/seedling
hello there old friend
nice to see you again
are you ready now, for the light
has the soil cracked and made room
reach up little love

familiarity
recognizing goodness
"old self"

I love the way that I eat
filling myself up
with a quickness
scared i might not get enough

I've got your skin under my nails
and your spit between my teeth
Sometimes I take hours 
to open my mouth
some days i savor your laughter
like the rich treat it is
But others have not been so lucky
They've been a milkshake in the heat
a quick, fleeting, not-quite-enough love
And I've been drawing out sighs
swallowing kisses
Until all we are is empty

I'm trying

The worst part is the way you were tear soaked pillows and cancelled plans
The worst part was the way you let me take those tests in the dark before you woke

The worst fucking part is that now I'm trying to love someone else
And I don't know how to kiss in a way that will still make him smile in 5 years
I don't know how to measure out my love, my desires, and my sexuality
So I have a perfect recipe for happily ever after
I'm trying to fix this equation like it's the tangled web that we wove
I'm trying to change the way that I love because I am expecting him to fall short in all the ways you did and he's not.

The worst part about accepting the fact that my marriage was not capable of being saved
Is the fact that now I've cemented love to problems
I keep thinking to myself that I am loving in all the wrong ways
Fuck you for making me think that love can be broken
For making me think that the way I love is inherently wrong

Unresolved anger

Bring the Light

I try to always allow for open and honest discussions about my past and my struggles. As a result, I get a lot of questions and comments about my own personal happiness. People sometimes are surprised to see that I am relatively upbeat and work hard to bring smiles to others. Sometimes they are almost pleading with me to tell them my secret. For the sake of honesty, I am going to tell you that this has been a bit of an issue for me. I have felt tremendous guilt for managing to stay upright this long. I, too, lay awake at night asking myself "How?" I have asked the Universe repeatedly why I get this joy and others do not. When will be their time? What will be their secret? 

As with anything else, I don't have any real solid answer for you. I wish I could give you a 5 or 10 or 20 step plan that will get you from abuse, from assault, from depression to happiness. Instead, all I can do is give you tips on my own personal philosophy. We have the power to change the day-to-day rhythm of our lives. We can step back and review the people and the things we experience every day and then judge: does this influence me positively, negatively, or neutrally? Then we must make an effort to change or rearrange these things to better serve us. It will take time, strength, and dedication. It will mean letting go. It is not a guaranteed path to success, but it is a giant leap in the right direction. Here are some steps that I would recommend to anyone who would like to invite more positivity into their lives.

Surround yourself with positive influences. Seek out friends who make you feel supported, empowered, and valued. A friendship that stunts your growth is no friendship at all. Help these people leave your life.
Put your time and energy into pursuits that develop your skills and give purpose to your desires. This means serving others, being involved with your community, taking care of your planet, and never ceasing your learning process. 

Acknowledge the beauty around you. Some people would say to look for the beauty, but it's right here, in your face, all the time. Acknowledge the way the wind chills your flesh, knots your hair, and dances with the trees. Acknowledge the way the morning glory stretches forth; sharing its colors with the sun. Acknowledge the way your heart and your lungs and your brain work in perfect unison to power you through every day. The beauty is here and you need to acknowledge it. 

Practice self care as often as possible. Try to get into bed and let your body rest, heal, and grow. Try to get the shower turned on, the brush through your hair, the water down your throat. Try to eat things that come from the Earth. Try to do something you like, cook a meal you enjoy, curl up with a movie and laugh. Do this as often as your schedule and your mental health will allow. This does not always come naturally, but you must fight for it. 

In absolutely everything you do, try to filter out the things that do not benefit you. When you choose which films to watch, do not give your money to the ones that perpetuate stereotypes that upset you or that may trigger you. Even if it's the box office leader, you do not need to finance it. Seek out documentaries that will educate you on problems, discoveries, or people that interest you. Take your date to see the movie whose plot revolves around self discovery, human rights, or whatever it is that matters to you. You decide what is successful and you decide what you are subjected to. Apply these same principles to all forms of media. If a show/movie/book makes you feel bad, angry, or lesser than, turn it off or put it down. Immediately. This is a power that you have. Additionally, search the web for media that will do the opposite for you. Look for art that portrays your circumstances in a positive light or even art that delves into the science behind it. Find artists that give your problems, insecurities, and/or disabilities a platform to be seen and represented. You may struggle when other people want to enjoy a movie or a show with you, but you are worth it. People will understand if you say "I am sorry, I can't watch that film. I do not support _________. What if we saw ___________ instead?" 

Focus on supporting companies that share beliefs with you. If you have some space in your budget, shop at the grocery store that pays its employees fair wages. If you have extra time, drive the other 5 miles to the local florist, bakery, or coffee shop. If you have the resources, shop online for clothing made with organic materials and/or without the use of child labor. Financially support companies that go out of their way to conduct business with fair, safe, sustainable practices and shop locally to boost your city's economy. 

I would say that one of the most important things to remember in life is that you deserve a positive life. I frown a little at the notion that we all should strive for happiness. The idea of happiness can be a little fickle and is often debated. But positivity is powerful, it is good, and it is something we can wrap ourselves in even if we cannot produce our own. I encourage you to try and apply these sorts of principles to your own life, if you don't already. If you're already a purveyor of positive influences, congratulations! I hope you share your positive energy with those around you so that they, too, can enjoy it. 

1997

TRIGGER WARNING- This is about my experiences with sexual assault. Please do not read if you are sensitive to this subject. 

This is a poem that I wouldn't usually post, as I don't think it's very good. But as part of the process, I've promised myself that I would post all complete poems that I write. I need to fight the writer's block by putting out my messy, incomplete, and just plain bad work.

Nineteen Ninety-Seven

My eyes were blue until I was five

Pale skin, long straight hair, and a cherry lollipop grin.

Since then I've been skinned knees and sunburns, 

unruly short hair and these chameleon eyes.

The good in me was stolen back then

in the way my imagination never fully recovered

and from time to time my mouth is still coated in salt.

When I was twelve I learned that I could protect myself from anything,

but that I can only run and hide for so long.

It was only seven years before it came back to me.

Before I began crying in my sleep,

counting the bathroom tiles and the radio channels,

and practicing how to make boys weak in the knees.

I turned into that tornado girl;

leaving disaster in my wake.

I altered my words and swung my fists 

until I was unreachable; unloveable.

Then I went to the men and I pulled them in

and I brought them right down with me.

Determined to be a fighter- a survivor.

Ground my edges until they were rough,

carved canyons and mountains,

daring them to try.

I thought I could outrun the ghost,

of his voice in my ear, 

of his hands in my hair,

of the screams- the screams I am not sure I ever screamed.

But still I thrash and cry in my sleep.

My stomach turns during Halloween parties.

I sometimes cry in the stalls at the bar.

Sometimes I like to think I wiped that part of me away.

Those years don't exist. That pain is not real.

But sometimes I am in a loop 

and every day is 1997.

I don't know

I don't know how else to tell you that I am no good at this.
At life- at love- at moving on.
My first instinct was to spend a night being full again
It had been months and I was so tired of feeling empty.
Then I spent my hours in bars, in beds, in the streets.
Anywhere but with you.
Somehow I've turned the last 5 1/2 years into a list
A list of things you've taken from me
Your eyes are filled with a violent storm;
waves ready to pull my legs out from beneath me and drown
and I will not risk the shoreline of your face.
This morning you looked at me and I saw it.
It told me all I needed to know.
I've already sealed the doorway between you and my healing heart.
I hope for your sake that you can learn to stop knocking.

Processing

Okay, hopefully I will be laying out a lot of poems for a while. It's a part of me that has been inaccessible for a while, but I seem to have tapped into it. I am going to write whatever is in my head. I am going to write about feelings that are current and old and maybe even made up. This is how I process my life. I don't need anyone reading these and thinking they can decipher my life. I don't want you to think these are all secrets I've kept from the World. This is my process. This is my healing. This is all I know how to do. So read or don't read, but don't fill in the blanks you think I've missed.


I have a theory: we were never lovers.
Just strong opposing forces
Snapped into each other's lives
Over and over again
Despite time, or distance, or reason.
Just two kids with clumsy hearts,
butterflies, and weak knees.
Naturally you reached for me
when life dared you to jump.
Instead of writing me a love letter,
you only ever wrote me an invitation,
and I never could tell you no.
If you love someone set them free
they will return if it's meant to be.
If you love someone set them free
they will return if it's meant to be.
Repetition is not the basis of love.
All we've ever been is a set of magnets
and we never did learn how to separate
until the magnetism wore off.

A poem

This is the first full poem I have gotten to come out of me in a long time. I didn't proofread it or alter it, so it may be a bit sloppy. I just wanted to get it out unaltered.


When darkness fell and your face was lit by starlight alone,
You'd reach out for me in your sleep.
Your arms flexed above the soft mounds of my skin
and you inhaled me.

Ironic, then, the our love died out in the quiet of night.
Your affection only coming in soft whispers
as though it was patched together with yesterday's desire.

All my life I've been both the strongest flame and
the extinguisher.
Everyone gets tired of the light.
Eyes sore and skin burnt,
they always leave.

For a long time, I didn't make New Years' resolutions. It was something I quit doing because I had a habit of making really unimportant and/or hard to obtain goals for myself. In 2014 I made my first resolution in a long time because I was tired of never being in photographs. Part of it was my idea that I am not photogenic, part of it was because I hadn't done full hair or make-up or worn anything cute to that event, and as very small part of it was because I didn't make it a priority. But I was doing some great things and I was with some fabulous people. I wanted these things to have photographic proof because I wanted to remember everything. In 2014 I was caught with many bad hair days, double chins, and slouchy outfits. But I also have proof if my smiles, my laughter, and the love between my friends.

Towards the end of 2014, my life decided to take some really sharp turns. My life had been, at least from the outside looking in, pretty quiet and calm. But the universe stepped in like it so often does and it shook me up. It spun me around, tipped me upside down, and woke me up. I was living life in a very comfortable (stale) way. I was living like I had already had my kids, retired, and curled up on the couch to rest my days away.

As 2015 came in with a sparkle over Navy Pier, I resolved to do more things that scare me this year. That meant when my friend invited me to Chicago for NYE and I had just change in my pocket, I said yes! When I viewed an apartment and barely had the application fee in my bank, I made the decision to say yes anyways. I let go of material things that filled some weird empty spot inside me, but never served any real purpose. I went on a date! I've spent a lot more time actually paying attention to what I desire and taking the time to say yes. Yes to that $3 latte, yes to the late movie night, yes to people and things that make me smile.

Really, I want to spend the year getting back in touch with myself. It's been a very long time since I have been just 'me' instead of half of a 'we'. I am living on my own for the first time ever, at 22, and it's all very new to me. So here are the goals I want to aim for during this year.

1. Read more books. Read all the books on your shelf, borrow books from friends, spend hours in the Library. Meet new characters, submerge into new Worlds, and remember that it's okay to laugh and cry along the way.

2. Go outside. Sit in your rocking chair with a cup of coffee in the mornings. Walk to the loop for errands or just for fun. Get a bike and ride it when you need the wind in your hair and the sun on your skin. Try to bike to work and then try to convince someone to drive you home- because it's going to suck. Go camping this year. Seriously, just do it. Kayak, canoe, see if anyone will take you fishing. Go to the ocean and close your eyes and breathe in the salt. Never forget that this is what puts you at peace the most. This is what grounds you to the Earth.

3. Grow something. Get a planter, put it on your porch, and tend to your sprout. Pick something you can eat. Start with one planet and then get a whole planting box. You can nurture it and you can feel self sustaining.

4. Fix your wardrobe. This means stop buying things that don't fit you, no matter how much of a discount you'd get. Only buy pieces that really make you feel comfortable and happy. Your clothes can speak up and grab someone's attention when you're too shy to speak.

5. Pay down your debt. Always split your extra money after bills between recreation and savings. Step 1: Pad your savings account. Step 2: Pay down your credit card. Step 3: Make bigger payments on the car. Invest in your future and cut down on your stress.

6. Ask for a raise. There's a list of reasons why you should be earning more and it'll never happen if you don't speak up.

7. Volunteer more. Sign up for the eco-team at Mardi Gras, swing by the recycling center on your day off, ask how to do court work with the RCC. Don't let your passion and love fester inside of you. Go put it out in the World and do it alone. Don't ask people to come along unless they voice their desire.

8. Stay current on the big issues facing the World today. Find the news sources you trust most to get you the facts and then form your own opinions. When something strikes a match inside of you, take the time to raise awareness. Documentaries and articles are included.

9. Date everyone! Date tall people, short people, skinny and fat people. Date whoever makes you laugh, or who gives you butterflies, or who looks at you with that look. Go on unconventional dates. Don't be afraid to say no, if you're not feeling it. Don't rush into something exclusive or long term, just go try it out.

10. Do more things that scare you. You don't have to go crazy. If someone invites you sky diving and you throw up or cry on the way, back out. Go to dinner by yourself, ask for that girl's number, take a day off work to spend time with the people you love. Learn to swim for real this time. Buy a bikini and wear the shit out of it. Go to a music festival. Yes to more protests, to public speaking, to trusting new people, to trying new foods, to putting yourself out in the World.