My Body Journey

How can I write a blog that talks about body love when I have been so up, down, and sideways about my own body? Well, times have changed, I have grown, and I have stumbled upon this self-love revolution. I wanted to spend a little time talking about the journey I have gone through with my body.

When I go all the way back to the first time I had an opinion about my body, I find a negative attitude. I remember being maybe 9 or 10 and noticing I was bigger than a lot of the other kids. I noticed my step brother, who was naturally tall and thin, could do things that I couldn't. I don't recall it bothering me very much, but I did notice it every once in a while. 

Fast forward to when puberty really started to hit me around age 11 or 12. I felt very pretty as I first developed breasts. Prior, I had felt perfectly normal alongside my friends but the breasts changed the way the boys treated me and, in turn, changed the way I felt about myself. In 6th grade I had my first real bra and my first school boyfriend. In fact, I remember quite a few boys mentioning that I looked different or whispering that so-and-so liked me. I had a good few years where I was on top of the World. I almost constantly had a school boyfriend and most every girl in class was behind me in development. While I was in no way sexual at this point, my breasts had changed my whole World. Back then I didn't know what the cause of it was. This is sort of bittersweet when I think back. I thought all of these boys genuinely thought I was pretty and nice. 

When I was thirteen I began some medications that caused me to gain weight. Pair that with a lot of pain and heartbreak associated with being a teenager with mental illness and my body quickly became my worst enemy. In what seems like a blink of an eye, I had lost my thin, pretty, chesty body and become a big fat disgrace. When you are thirteen and your body suddenly gets fat, it feels like everything is so bad. I got really insecure for a long time in my early teens. I was so conflicted because boys who did not go to my school still saw the physical attraction. I may have been big, but I was also busty and was blessed in the booty department. But I felt so awkward in my skin. I wanted to wear bigger shirts, more layers, and definitely make-up. 

At fourteen I lost my virginity. I thought some sort of magical body revelation would follow. I thought that now, since someone wanted to have sex with me, I would feel attractive all the time. I started to wear less clothing, because the only people who seemed to acknowledge my new sex appeal was older guys. Frankly, I didn't care for what I was wearing, but the outside attention is what kept me feeling good.

I took a Summer when I was 15 to kind of spend time on myself. I stepped back from boys for a while and focused on how I felt about myself. At 15 it felt like a huge revelation to really decide that I liked myself and wanted better for myself. I started to take note of the way I ate, being physically active, tanning, and so on. It was, for the first time, important that I change myself. Funny isn't it? I finally decided I liked myself, but that I would like myself more when I changed. In fact, every Summer I had this idea that I would return from vacation thinner, tanner, and that I would dye my hair red. I failed every single Summer and waited the whole year to try again. I don't know why I was so obsessed with that idea of me being "at my best" but I latched onto it pretty hard. 

When I was 16 I took a really big step in my life and moved away from my Father. Of course I thought I was completely re-inventing myself and so I was incredibly over confident. That is, until I started the school year at the biggest high school I had ever seen. I sort of pulled back into myself again. I really didn't think anything of my body during my last year of highschool. I was sort of okay with it, sort of uncomfortable with it, and sort of just meh about the whole thing. 

It wasn't until I got married, at 18 years old, that I really began to feel beautiful. Suddenly all the imperfections were gone because in my husband's eyes, they never had existed. I was liberated! The way he looked at me, the way he smiled at me, and the way he believed that he married the most beautiful girl in the World somehow erased years of body issues. For our honeymoon I purchased my first ever bikini. I wore that thing like I was a supermodel. I had zero inclination that anyone had a problem seeing me, just the way I was, in a bikini. The joy I felt in my heart left no room for negativity and I have held onto a lot of that over the last few years. 

When I was 19 I had moved to Germany and still felt pretty good about my body. As is normal though, life was very stressful and my sex life changed. Embarrassingly enough, this made me start to take notice of my imperfections once again. My over-all view of myself was still pretty positive, but I was really focused on my fat once again. I knew I was pretty, I knew I was sexy, but I wanted to work on myself. I had subscribed to the idea that (even though I am the smallest girl my husband has ever been with) thin was best and that by going out in public with my fat I was doing some sort of dis-service to the public. I was very certain about what I could and could not wear because I was fat. I would cycle through the same few outfits because so many things, God forbid, showed that I held weight in my stomach. 

My husband deployed when I was 20 and I went on a health kick. My health had taken some funny turns and the doctors made sure to mention me being overweight nearly every time I went in. My weight had nothing to do with it, but I felt an increased need to lose weight. I tried to do 2 different types of health shakes instead of eating 3 times a day. I was sure it would knock the weight right off...it didn't. I totally re-vamped my diet and started going to the gym 5 days a week for an hour or more each time. In 6 months I lost 8 pounds. While yes, I was technically succeeding because I was losing weight, I was losing it at an embarrassingly slow rate. I went to the doctor to try and get answers. My hypoglycemia caused them to put me on a high complex carb and protein diet. I thought it would help me lose weight because it was what my body needed to run properly, but instead I put back on a few pounds. The doctor told me I have high testosterone and another male hormone. He also told me I had an ovarian cyst. So, they had given me 3 reasons why it would be more difficult and frankly, it feels like it is impossible, to lose weight. No matter what I tried to do, I put on muscle and never lost a pound. 

I was left in this sort of awkward stage of both being amazed by how strong my body is, and being ashamed to wear certain things. See, I didn't realize that WE CAN WEAR WHATEVER WE WANT. For some reason it didn't click in my brain that I am going to look fat in clothes because...well...I am fat. No amount of draping and flowing can keep me away from the fact that this is the body I have. I had moved onto the idea that my body was beautiful, and almost the way I wanted it. I loved the way bottoms made my legs and ass look, but I was appalled by the way my stomach looked on top. My chest, my face, my hair, all made me very happy. My upper arms and my belly bothered me. In every.single.outfit. I didn't have a problem with thinking this way because it seems it is a common mindset for women to have. We like our bodies, we know we're pretty, but we compare ourselves to others. 

I recently gave up all the energy I had been spending on nitpicking. I stumbled onto this fat positive culture and fell in love. I've always felt like I am "not allowed" to identify with normal women, because I have a fat midsection, but that I am "not fat enough" to identify as being fat. I have felt like being 5'2" with a size 10 ass but a size 12 gut, a big chest but an average ribcage, and having tick muscular calves...I was not allowed to fit in anywhere. So the fat positive website I found both inspired and, admittedly, discouraged me at first. Could I join in on the body love movement? Was I allowed to say that I will use "fat" all I want without the negative connotations? Could I, too, wear anything I want? I found a very resounding YES! If I already loved the PERSON I was, and I already loved so much about my body, couldn't I just take the leap and decide to love all of me? Why yes, yes I could. My 21st birthday kind of marked a new chapter in my life. Being married already and being sort of "settled down" I had forgotten all the things I am allowed to be, and all the things I am not letting myself be. (See my first post) 

Now I am 21 years old and a self-declared vain bitch. I have always been, very secretly, full of myself. It may have only been one day a year, or once a week, but I would check myself out. I would always talk myself up, flaunt my shit, and I always knew someone liked what they saw. Now, more than ever, I believe this 100%. I have spent so much energy doing everything I could to change my body to try and feel even more attractive. Now that I have really seen that my body kind of likes where it is, I'm not going to fight it. 

 I get stress relief at the gym that I do not find anywhere else. I enjoy going to the gym and will continue to do so probably forever. I will continue to eat a cleaner diet because I enjoy fresh foods and processed foods give me tummy aches. I will try to be more outdoorsy because the World is a beautiful place and I want to spend less time in my house doing, well, nothing. But the point is that I am going to live my life the way I see fit. I am going to treat my body with respect and love at all times. I am going to eat ice cream, cook pasta, eat too much sushi, and binge on carrot sticks. I am going to do all of this without feeling guilty. I am going to try crazy fashion trends and wave when I get cat called. I am at an all-time high with my body and I think I'll keep it that way.