Tenderness

What sort of thing blows you away? When do you step back and revel in just how blessed you truly are by the people in your life?

Despite what some people may think, I have always been surrounded by people who love me. I may have been lost in my pain over the years and not realized they were there, but I was never walking without people following behind, ready to catch me. In fact, I was loved with such ferocity that sometimes I had a hard time accepting it. I believe that most people have so much love in their lives that it becomes comfortable for them. We subconsciously take it for granted. We wake every morning knowing that someone loves us and we lay our heads down at night with a full heart. We are never left wanting for love. What a beautiful fact! When I stop and think about it, I feel a rush of bliss. I know that everywhere I go, I am loved. I know that no matter what I do or don't do, I am loved. That's the foundation for a beautiful life.

I wanted to write this to help people reflect on the love they have in their lives. I wanted to share some of the most tender moments in my life with you. I would love if you share a moment of tenderness with me in the comments. Try to take time every night to reflect on the positive forces in your life and be thankful for them. 

This post is sparked by a moment I had with my husband last night. As you may know, we have faced a lot of trouble getting our feet on the ground since he was discharged from the Army. We have been staying with friends and while we are very grateful, we are ready to take that leap out on our own. Last night we put a security deposit down on a rental house. It's old, and small, and needs a lot of love. It's got some issues that we will want to fix before we let anyone come over, but it's ours, and that is all we could ever want. So while we're lying in bed, we start joking about the house. We brainstorm how to make it look better, how funny our new fridge will look with the old white appliance, and decide that I am not allowed outside for fear I will be eaten alive by mosquitoes. I joke about how it was growing up for me sometimes. I tell him that until he has tried to eat ramen noodles with spaghetti sauce on them, he isn't poor, and we will be okay. We go back and forth, joking about things we used to do to get by, and I think I can hear him falling more in love with me. His voice starts to change, he reaches over and strokes my face. I tell him about the first nice make-up I owned. Really, the first make-up I ever bought by myself. For my 16th birthday my friend got me a MAC giftcard and my mom took me in to pick out 3 eyeshadows. To this day I have those eyeshadows in my bag, and I wear them all the time. He starts whispering promises. "We'll buy you some new make-up baby. We'll get you some heels." To someone else it may sound like a joke, or like stupid banter, but it meant a lot to me. Of course I know we can't do any of that until I get a few more checks, but the fact that he says it just breaks my heart. He wants so badly to give me everything I ever wanted. He knows I am happy just like this, but he wants to make up for all the years I wasn't. 

I remember not long ago, a close friend told me a very deep secret. Maybe I wasn't her first choice, but the fact that she wanted to share it with me was so special. She skyped me, so I got to see her beautiful face, and she let me into her World for a while. After being separated for years, this was as good as it got. I don't know if it made her feel better, or if I had any advice she followed, but she trusted me and loved me enough to tell me. I am thankful for that. 

On my birthday this year, another old friend called me up and sang to me. I don't think I've smiled like that in a while. For her to remember my birthday, find my number, and spend all that time catching up was so precious. My heart was full for days on that one conversation. Nothing brings light into my World like feeling close to those who know me the best. 

A very dark day in my past, I reached for the phone and called my ex-boyfriend. The call may have been scary, frantic, and angry, but the fact that he picked up and did what he needed to do saved my life. He called the right people and did it with such urgency and grace. I could never thank him enough for his part in that day. While I believe any one else would have tried to help in that situation, I think he did it with the love I needed. He provided a lot of support afterward too. 

When I was in the hospital I met a boy and we became pretty close. There was a strict no touching rule for the patients and typically that wasn't an issue. He and I grew together without the need for physical contact. Just being on the same page and really understanding what it was like was enough. On the day of his discharge, the halls were empty, and he ran. We were locked in the tightest, sweetest hug I have ever gotten in my life. For a moment I felt all the love we shared as friends. I never saw or talked to him after that day, but I think I will lock that moment away forever.

On the day of my wedding, after we said our "I do"s, the family came by and hugged us. My father in law had tears in his eyes. No matter how he may have felt prior or after the ceremony, he was teary eyed at our union, and that spoke to me. I was so touched by his show of emotion. 

When I was still in school, sometimes Bestema would send a meatloaf sandwich to school for me. Those were the best days ever. Having a home cooked meal can always turn a day around. I knew that lunch was packed with love and it made me smile. 

The night my father hit me, it was late at night. I threw some things in a bag and called my friend up at her house. I don't remember if I woke her parents or just disrupted their nightly routine, but within 10 minutes they were at my house ready to pick me up. The story wasn't important. All I needed to say was that I needed them to come get me, and they were off. The love that family kept in their hearts for me changed me. I really grew so much inside the walls of their house and to this day I am grateful for their presence in my life. 

I wrote a poem once that was incredibly dark and set off a lot of red flags. My friend was very brave and shared it with our teacher. I was angry at the time, but ultimately it lead to me getting the help I needed to heal a lot of old wounds. I don't know that I ever backed away from my anger and fear long enough to thank her. The love she had for me was so much that she was willing to chance our friendship. We were young at the time and I can't imagine how she must have felt, but that one act turned things around for me. 

My parents were not able to attend my wedding. This is something I think about often, and is the only thing I would ever change about the ceremony. When I came back home from the trip, my step father was upset with me. I remember him not really wanting to speak to me and when he did, it was clear he was angry. It seems contradicting, but the depth of his pain was so touching to me. He loved me so much that it hurt for him to not give me away at my wedding. It still bring me to tears thinking that I got married not knowing it would matter to him at all. For Christmas I made a large wedding photo album for him to try and share the beauty of the day with him. I hope that it was at least a fraction of the thanks he deserves for raising me. I have been grateful for him and loved him for many years, but that moment was the most tender of all. It really broke my heart to see through his pain and into how much he cared for me. 

These are just a few of the times that people in my life made their actions speak volumes for me. They have taken every opportunity to show their love over the years and I hope they know that I will always be grateful. I could never write down every time someone went out of their way to care for me, but I hold onto those memories tightly and try to put the same amount of love back into the World. I hope that I am able to show everyone how special they are to me, even if I fail with words. Above all, I fight to remember that I deserve this love. Try not to let these special moments slip through your fingers. Recognize when they happen and focus on those moments with all your might. Retain that feeling, that warmth, and go back to it on your bitter days. No matter how alone you may feel, there is love in the World for you. Never let yourself believe otherwise.