Mountains

You know, I think the truth behind my words is that I am a quitter. I've always found a way to rationalize it. I've always told myself that I didn't reach my goal because I either had a big obstacle, a legitimate excuse, or I decided that goal did not matter to me anymore. I have always babied myself into thinking that I run around conquering all of life's issues. I have stopped telling people my plans and you know why? Because I don't finish them. Ever. I dream big and I talk big but I have accomplished very little.

I remember being dead set on going to college for psychology. I took classes in high school and I wrote about all these ideas. I was set on a specific college. I even went as far as to look into the apartments in that city and scope out available jobs. But I don't think I did very well on my SAT, to tell you the truth. I spent the last 2 years of high school desperately trying to make up for the first two years. I let my financial issues, my past grades, and my educational hang-ups stop me. I let all the bad make a big mountain and I knelt at the base crying out "I just can't!" Then I tried to move on and find another dream.

After I gave up, people still asked me about it. They looked at me with those big hopeful eyes because they had believed in me. They wanted to know if I was doing online school or anything and I didn't know how to tell them "no". Instead I told them about my wedding. Instead I told them about all the phone calls I was making to move to Germany. I had already admitted the stupidity and cowardice to myself. I had already had a heart-to-heart with myself about how I should have done it and how I could still do it. I did all that and I still didn't try and climb that mountain. I couldn't go back through that with someone else, so I hid.

This has happened off and on throughout my life. I build this happy alternate reality where I've done something to improve. I tell everyone about it because the magazines say that vocalizing your goals will make you more likely to succeed. When I first start out, I go all out. I do my research, I do my planning, I get my gear, and I started up the mountain. Sometimes I get three-quarters of the way up and sometimes I can't even make it that far before I just...stop. I don't know if I am going at it all wrong or what. Maybe it's like a marathon and I just go too fast for the first half so I am sluggish and beaten down in the end. Maybe I use up all of my excitement and passion by focusing all of my energy on my goal in the beginning. Maybe I just don't know how to commit.

For whatever reason, I probably cannot count every thing I gave up on or quit. I've made such a habit out of it that I fear it is part of who I am. I'm the girl with a million laughs. I'm the girl who makes the best faces. I'm the girl who makes really bad jokes. But I lay awake at night wondering if I'm the girl who never completes anything. Am I the kind of person that is all bark and no bite? Am I just addicted to the rush of a new journey without being determined enough to chase the dream?

I feel like it is really important that I find something big, something wild, and maybe even something a little crazy and then I go after it. I need to do something from start to finish. Maybe it will be even better if I don't tell anyone that I am doing it. Just this big, secret journey with me, myself, and I. I think I need to take something by the reigns and really conquer a mountain because I'm starting to think I'll never see the peak. I'm starting to worry that I will forever be bad at succeeding. I couldn't stand it if I spent the rest of my life getting in my own way. It's bad enough to wonder where I might be now if I never stopped myself back then.

I wouldn't say I have regrets, but I would say I've made mistakes and now is my time to learn from them. I've recently taken on a few new obligations and I think that's a good start. I think it is important that I have a job that I am proud of and a volunteer commitment that I find fulfilling. Is it greedy of me to think that on top of that I also need something I find challenging? Is it wrong of me to seek out enrichment in so many areas of life? I want to think of myself as someone who really goes after what she wants. In order to do that, I need to take this leap.

As of today, I will be working towards a new goal. I don't know when I'll finish and I don't know what I'll accomplish when I'm done, but I am going to see this out to the end. There's a chance that I will fail. I am only human and I have no control over life's obstacles. The important thing is that I go all the way to the finish line and I see what is waiting for me there. If I decide to try and lose 50 pound sin a year, and I get to the one year mark with only 20 pounds lost, that is still a victory. If I decide to learn how to swim and dive by the end of the year, and next December I am still mastering dives, that is still a success. I promise that I will commit to a new journey today. I promise that I will not get in my own way. I promise that I will not get other people excited about it because it is not for them. I promise that I will take all the good with the bad because that is what commitment is all about. I promise to give my very best to this challenge. Here's to conquering our fears.