Resolutions

Right now is a very particular time of year. All around the World we are finding time to pause, to breathe, and to reflect. Maybe we've put it off because this has been a difficult year and we simply weren't ready for these feelings. Maybe we got so caught up in running, running, running, that we forgot to step back and see where exactly we were going. Maybe life got away from us this year or maybe we are trying to hold on tightly to the last days of the best year of our lives. No matter what the situation is, we owe it to ourselves to stop and to remember.

For me, 2013 came and left in a flurry. Everything about this year was hectic and wild and despite the mess, it was beautiful. To be totally honest, I don't remember what we did last year for New Year's Eve. My husband swears we made jungle juice and partied right through to daybreak. I remember the party but not the day, so I'm just going to go along with that story. Early in the year we found out my husband was going to be honorably discharged from the Army. The only words that come to mind when I think about the first four months of the year are busy, stressful, and bittersweet. We were constantly in a state of rushing. The peace and calm we had expected when we came back home turned out to be a fantasy. Spring and most of Summer were spent in a perpetual state of imbalance. It felt like we were scrambling. Scrambling for jobs, for money, for a house, for time together. July brought the first moments of true comfort all year. In fact, July turned our lives stagnant faster than we could adjust. It's been five months of routine. Five months of day in and day out. Five months of too much of nothing. 

I really came here to say the same thing everyone else is saying. I am ready for the new year. I also came to say that I am fucking terrified. Am I ready to change things up and see where it goes? Yeah. But guys, I am so scared of what 2014 is going to bring. When I look around I see an awful lot of maybes, could haves, and we'll sees. Everything is floating up in the air and I'm just standing down here, feeling small and worried and trying to plan for the complete and total uncertainty that is my life. I don't even know which scenarios I'm rooting for at this point. In six months I could be looking back at this moment and celebrate the fact that I ended up on a totally different route. I could really feel freed from all the things that bind me. Or I could be memorizing all the good I had and all the joy I kept. I could look back on this moment with so much regret. Life is so amazingly scary in that way. 

I want to be able to write out all these goals I have. I want to tell you all about the places I want to go and the things I want to learn in 2014. I want to build a giant mountain for myself to climb and then laugh when I tumble down because, hell, we'll all be tumbling down soon. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm not going to turn this next year into some unconquerable feat. I'm not going to run around pretending I'll be a different person this year. For once I feel like everything is outside of my control. I just feel so small and so unsure. Something about this year feels different to me. I'm not trying to sound so negative here. I'm not saying that I expect this year to be awful or sad or heartbreaking. All I'm trying to say is that it feels like 2014 is going to bring a lot of changes. I feel like the universe has an awful lot of plans for me and my gut is sorted of twisted up about it. The tides are changing and I don't know if I have my sea legs yet. I'm going to paddle out with hope and with curiosity. 

I suppose we all face about a 50/50 chance when the new year comes. This is the time when we are most vulnerable. Maybe we are just more open and willing to experience this connection with the universe. We are so reflective and hopeful and scared that we have the ability to realize just how monumental each day is. As the year goes on, we forget, but for now we are so aware. We are able to sit back right now and relive the emotions of 2013. All the best and worst stick out like sore thumbs and we're free to dive back in for just a little bit. We want to get in touch with those emotions while they're still a little raw and fresh and pure. We need to dwell on them before they get altered by time and memories. I think we should write them down, sing them out, paint them. 

Being human is such a fragile thing. We think we're big and strong. We think we could probably handle anything but the truth is that life is so much bigger. Life is so much more powerful and mystical and so far out of your control. We try to make it small. We try to gather up the big parts and compact them and make them small so we can hide them away close to our hearts where no one can touch them. We try to turn mountains into molehills so we can smash them in with our boots and we can feel powerful and strong and forget that we are scared. We want the power of life to fit into our palms so then we can feel like we have control. If it is in my hand then it is at the mercy of my fingers and my forearm and my biceps. If I so wanted, I could hurl it into space and I could be safe from the turmoil of life. I could also wrap it up. I could swaddle it and secure it and pin it up someplace very high and dry and safe. If I could fit it in my palm, I could hold onto the good forever. I could bathe in its warmth and its safety. I could really live a life that is good, if I could hold it in my hand. The truth though, is that we can't. We couldn't even grab onto the smaller parts of life if we tried. All the good and all the bad would seep through your fingers and be gone. We have control over the smallest fractions of the small stuff. We have maybe 75% control over how we feel, and that's only if our brains are perfectly healthy and balanced. Some of us have even less control. We have about the same amount of control over things like our jobs and our diets. Things that we think we are in control of like our relationships are really some of the biggest variables of all. Everything is so small and fragile. 

So as we come upon the dawn of 2014, let's just agree to take a deep breath. Know that we handled everything in 2013 with as much grace and strength as we could. Know that the mistakes we made are over and done and we have learned our lessons. Know that burned bridges can always be repaired and broken hearts always find a way to beat again. Know that we have learned and loved and grown and hoped and swore exactly enough for one year. No more. No less. This year we have been exactly enough, we have had exactly enough, and we have done exactly enough. 

For 2014 I hope and I pray that life takes me someplace exciting. I'd love to see some adventure, meet new people, go new places. I hope my marriage grows ever stronger. I hope I stay true to myself as often as possible and that I remember to love myself despite my mistakes. I hope for big and bold and beautiful things, but all I really ask for is the right amount of everything. I'll take some pain and some loss to balance out the joy and the bounty. I hope that in this new year I can continue to be happy. If my life goes up or down, through the woods or over the river, my only goal is to be happy. I promise to eat what sounds good, by try not to over indulge. I promise to do activities that make me feel good and avoid ones that hurt my knees and hips. I promise to do at least one thing that really scares me and at least one thing that makes me really happy. I promise to continue living my life with my heart first and my brain seconds because, well, that's just who I am. I promise to keep planning every little thing, but I also promise to chill the fuck out when things change. I promise to get my fill of the beach, the sun, the changing leaves, the smell of rain on hot asphalt, and the sound of people's hearts beating. I promise to cry when I'm too mad or happy or lonely. I promise to count my blessings when the sun is shining...and to try and count them when the clouds come out. My only resolution this year is to do my best.