Learning

I sat through my first Rape Crisis training the other day and I learned an awful lot about myself as a result.


I learned that as a survivor I am a much larger risk of developing alcoholism or a dependence on drugs. My past rape makes me even more likely to be raped again before I die. These statistics don't change as I get older. I'm not going to finally ease into old age knowing that now I'm done. Knowing I am safe from all these nasty things that are chasing me around. I already felt I was at a predisposition for alcoholism and drug addiction because of my family history.

I learned that my biggest secret in life is actually one of the number one indicators that a child has suffered from sexual abuse. The guilt and the shame and the horror I internalized was over something that wasn't my fault. The worst thing I have done in my life is because my brain was still traumatized 4 years later.

I read that "not showing outward signs of trauma" was common in cases like mine because children are so damn resilient. They said that when you go into the hospital and a child is getting a rape kit done, they will not act like someone who was sexually assaulted in the last 72 hours. They will want to draw and talk and watch TV. They will tell you about your pretty hair and their best friend and how much they hate the color yellow. They are children and they will be children. I always felt a little weird that I didn't have blatant signs showing. I almost felt guilty that no one knew because my body wouldn't even give it away for me when my mouth failed.

But as we went through class, I learned all about the outwards signs. I learned that when I was 6 and I was more than curious about my body, that was normal. When I would be mean to the cat or the dog and then immediately cry and beg it for forgiveness, that was normal. When I was terrified of my doctors and my dentists and my teachers, that was normal. It may have been 2 or 3 years later, but the symptoms came out slowly and quietly.

When I hit adolescence and I spiraled into mental illness, part of it may have really been delayed responses to the trauma. Yes, I believe I have depression and occasionally still suffer from its effects. I also, undeniably, suffer from social anxiety. It is what it is folks, but I don't think every diagnosis was right. I clearly remember that the first time I harmed myself, it was because I felt out of control. Life had gotten too big and too scary and I felt like I was caught up in the tide. This obsession with control festered though, and eventually they told me I had OCD. I controlled everything I thought I had the power over. Things had to be the size, the color, and the pattern I wanted. They had to be just right because nothing was right. I had to make everything be the way it should be. But these behaviors picked up right along with my flashbacks. These feelings got worse and worse the more I had to dig through my past in therapy. I uncovered a lot of things I wasn't aware of. I had to re-live everything I had buried for 10 years.

Wouldn't you know that a strong desire for control is a very common trait for rape survivors. Rape is all about power, control, submission. The number one thing that they suggest is to give the survivor her/his power back. Let them choose everything. Something as simple as picking what snack they want in the waiting room or if they want one pillow or two can instantly help. Is it really so surprising that I developed this same obsession as I endured therapy twice a week? It makes more sense when you realize that I no longer struggle with this. I am particular, sure, but I think my preferences are more based on my anxiety and less an indication of their own illness.

In training they told me that 46% of hospital calls in our area are for minors. I thought my heart would burst from the pain I felt when I heard that. I thought I would be ill thinking that under the right circumstances, that could be me in that hospital room waiting for crayons and a hug. Then I thought I would lose it when they spoke about a man with a passion for cold cases. They told me about a woman who got to prosecute her rapist after twenty years. That man is serving life in prison and I thought I would break down in tears right in the middle of the room. I had never heard something so beautiful. I know that will never be my story, but I can relate so deeply to how she must have felt. I can almost see the look on her face when she finally knew he was locked up and she was safe.

I went into the center to help others, but those 9 hours helped me more than I could have ever expected. I don't think I have ever felt so normal. I don't think I have ever heard someone say that my outbursts or my nightmares or my triggers were okay. No one has told me that the way I react is okay. That my pain is coming through in all these channels that are so totally normal. That any way you heal from trauma is the right way. When I heard these things, whether they were directed at me or at this made-up survivor, I heard them and I felt them and God, did it feel good.