Invincible.

I learned a really hard lesson recently. 

A few nights ago I was part of a conversation that shattered my sense of reality. See, I have spent years working towards the confidence, personality, and general outlook that I enjoy on a daily basis. I practiced every day until I had convinced myself that I had finally done it. I had finally recovered from enough falls, made it close enough to rock bottom, and been thrown through the ringer enough times to finally be invincible. This may sound silly to you, but hear me out. 

When you've experienced the darkest side of people, it becomes easier to see the good in them. When you've been hurt to the deepest level, it seems impossible to have someone do it again. When you've looked around and found that the only ally you had was you, it's surprisingly easy to love yourself. I felt like I had gotten there. I thought I had climbed the mountain and achieved this sort of untouchable state. I thought I had the strength and the courage and the love I needed to heal myself from anything. I thought I could maneuver my relationships without sacrifice or pain. I thought risks had finally become the choice between an epic story or a memorable lesson. I had foolishly trusted in myself so completely that I reverted back to my rookie mistakes. 

I had honestly forgotten that the people you let in have the most power over you. The closer you hold them to your heart, the easier it is for them to reach out and crush it. I was living blissfully unaware of the fact that all of this incredible healing love I was giving out was giving people access to the most tender parts of myself. I had foolishly forgotten to save a piece of myself. So the other night, in a moment of raw emotion, somebody confided in me. Somebody came to me with advice about something that was making their heart ache. They laid themselves out on the table and asked me to stitch them up. This has happened before, and I have always done my best in the past. This time though, every word cut me like a knife. Each syllable fell like acid rain from the sky and I swear I have never felt pain like it. For the first time ever, I regretted being that shoulder. I wished I could take back every offer for consolation because I was so hurt, so torn, so completely raw, that I struggled and faltered. I removed myself as much from the situation as I could and tried to patch together some helpful advice. I fought to see from their perspective and gave them every ounce I could muster. Then insult was added to injury when I was accused of making it about me and making my friend feel guilty. I wasn't sure what hurt more: the emotional pain of the confession or the fact that I had completely failed my friend. 

I am honestly still a little dazed from it all. My reaction to the whole thing was to immediately throw up a wall. I suddenly did not want this person to touch me, to love me, to speak to me. This person is so near and dear to me, I wanted to uproot them and back them up. I needed them to forget all my vulnerable moments and all my weaknesses because they no longer deserved those things. There is a thick air between us and I feel like I am at war with myself. 

This one interaction has me re-evaluating so many things. I could never turn away my friend when they are in distress. How can I properly care for them when their issues affects us both? In what way can I extract myself from the situation to provide more clear and concise help? Am I being naive by being completely open and honest with those I love most? Maybe I can prevent this in the future by not letting people in so closely. How will this event affect our relationship? I've already felt a bit of tension, insecurity, and fear bloom between us. Things I would have never batted an eye at are gnawing at me. The pure love and comfort we used to share seems tainted and I don't know how to come back from it. Should I approach this person about my feelings, and if so when and how?

Needless to say, I am taking a lot of time to reflect. I have been a bubbling mess of emotions and am a little concerned about how I am going to handle it all. You may know how much I enjoy my day-to-day lifestyle of blessings, fresh air, simple pleasures, and general pleasantry. I want to rush right through the healing process so I can get back to that, but I know better. I may be going back and forth on this for quite some time, but I will try to stay true to myself in the mean time. I will keep my eyes peeled for all the little things that make me smile and try to keep in mind that I can be healing without having to surround myself with endless pain. I am so thankful to have a place where I can jot down all my thoughts and feelings. 

Part of why I wanted to share this is because I think it's a very human thing. I believe many of us work very hard to change a character flaw or to open up ourselves in new ways and it's scary. I know I am not the first person to feel this sort of set-back. It feels so stupid to me, and sort of juvenile. But the truth is that it happens, and I assume it is very common. It isn't always easy being the kind of person who rushes in with love. It isn't always fun trying to bear some of your friend's problems. There's a lot of times when you get a little stung, a little burnt, or a little charred, but it's the healing that matters. I think almost always it's the healing that matters most.