One Man Show

My poor blog has been neglected lately and I apologize. Life happens, you know?

I have been asked on many occasions why it is I "think I have multiple sclerosis." Let me start by saying this: I have a beautiful, deep, untouchable relationship with my body. I let my body command me the majority of the time. I do not look to the clock to decide when I eat, because my body will tell me not only when it needs to eat, but how much and what kind of food. I go to bed and rise according to my circadian rhythm because only my body can accurately judge the rest I need on a day-to-day basis. I have almost always been able to catch illnesses and disorders early by doing one simple thing: listening! 

Now I'm going to bring you back to my youth. Visit after visit to the doctors, testing me for diabetes, and giving up when the test were clear. Still I knew something was wrong. Still I sat and I suffered and I complained until another visit and another test. No one listened to me vocalize until, at 20 years told, I urged the doctor to keep looking at he found the source of the problem. Because I knew best, I had to keep asking, urging, and complaining until someone finally acknowledged me. This is what healthcare is like. I do not have the scientific knowledge to diagnose or to heal but I know when something is wrong.

If you add up 21 years of "unknown" issues, you start to get a little concerned. If you remember back to continuous knee and ankle pains, daily headaches, stabbing and shooting, and every time the doctors found nothing..wouldn't you get frustrated? How many times does your body need to speak up until you listen? How many days of pain do you sit through before you ask questions? I know that my body is healthy. I know I treat my body with the utmost respect. I know that my visceral fat is very low, my muscle mass is high, my blood pressure and cholesterol are incredible, and my organs are in perfect shape. I fully believe that the reason my body is so happy is because I listen to it. 

So WHY am I in pain? Why do I struggle to stay awake after 2:00? Why does my back hurt from morning to night? Why do my joints swell and ache despite little impact? I ask these questions and I stay open to answers. Let me tell you: I have been through all the blood tests, okay? My doctor ran tests he thought were absurd just to make sure we had ruled out all the possibilities. We did CAT scans, MRIs, and neurological tests. You guys I had a fucking spinal tap and my doctor would not have subjected me to that if he didn't think it was necessary. I don't lean on the idea of having MS because I'm desperate or because I don't know what else to do. I lean on it because not only did we rule out ALL the other options, but I had 5 doctors agree that it's highly likely. 

I have been living this on again, off again tango for 2 years. Without healthcare, I can't get a firm diagnosis. Without a diagnosis, I can't even participate in free trials that might take my pain away. I have to keep pushing through life every day with a grocery list of symptoms and try to take it all in stride. When it all starts going (remember, this goes into remission every few months), I can barely walk let alone work out. My appetite is at the mercy of my body. I sleep 10-14 hours a night and still get fatigued. I sometimes have issues driving or doing daily tasks because my wrists and hands get so bad. 

So please, I beg of you, don't ask this question. Don't make me tell you every vial of blood I got collected. Don't make me list the types of specialists they ran me to. Don't make me explain something that I know is true. This is my body. This is my pain. This is something that I have been dealing with almost 100% on my own and I don't need you to question the validity of what I am going through. 

If you are curious, I will answer your questions. If you know of treatments or therapies I can do at home to help, PLEASE help a sister out. If you want to get me in touch with a relative you have with MS, I'm all about it. Genuine care, concern, and curiosity is always fine with me. I love you guys.