People are always discouraging the act of wondering. They are always saying to avoid the what ifs. I'm going to take some time to tell you why I disagree.
I lay in bed and I ponder about my life. I take time to go over all of the many blessings I have. I acknowledge all of the good and I take time to be grateful for it. I may not always take time to go to the gym, to stretch out my sore neck, or to pray, but I do everything in my power to never forget that I am lucky and I am loved.
Now I know that right now I am living a good life. I have bad days and I have trudged through bad years but I live a life that is good. Overall, I am successful in very aspect of my life. I'm not going to say that everything I have has been given to me, though. I have earned the life I live and I am proud of where I stand. My marriage is wholesome and strong because we work on it. My job is respectable and full of opportunities. I put in the effort to keep learning, keep asking questions, and keep familiarizing myself with the programs. My friendships are shaky, but they are deep set. Time, distance, and life can get in the way but I try to keep the emails and phone calls going to remind them that they are loved and missed.
I am human. This is a fact I like to remind myself and that I think you can probably stand to be reminded of as well. We are not perfect. We have not been created to function without error. Every once in a while I take a trip down to the land of what ifs. This is a bit of a scary journey because the land of what ifs has two paths. I sometimes wander over to the mindset where I am certain that the alternative is better. Maybe the day was boring, rough, or long. I go ahead and think about how many better jobs are out there. I dream of just how perfect and calm another city would be. I even dabble in the idea that I would be somehow happier or better if I had chosen another partner, or if I hadn't yet chosen one at all. If you're reading this and panicking either because you think I am going to act on these whimsical ideas or because you, too think this way sometimes, calm down. This is the dangerous path of what ifs. This is the kind of mind set that we need to avoid in order to retain the happiness we have. It's a good mental exercise to pull yourself away from that land and try to look at things more logically.
I like to think about where I might be if I had gone to college. For starters, I would probably not be with my husband at all. I would be living in a state I've likely never been to, surrounded by people I'd likely be too shy to meet, and I would work a part-time job to try and keep my head above water. I would be racking up student loans like crazy and as such, I would probably ensure I had no social life so that I could focus completely on my studies. It's been 3 years since I graduated highschool so maybe I would be about to finish my degree. The fact is, I would have a very new set of problems. I would deal with completely different financial strain. I would experience a whole new level of loneliness. I would fight another set of every day battles. Life may be better in some ways, but seeing the big differences between that life and the one I live makes me okay with my decision. A part of me will always wish I had gone to college. A part of me will always be curious if I could have followed a different career path with a degree. But the important part is that I validate my curiosity and my fears. They are a part of me and I allow them to exist. I do not allow them to dictate my life.
I often wonder how life would have gone if I had put off marriage. Maybe I am with my ex, or maybe I am engaged long distance. The idea behind this line of thinking is that maybe I would be more in touch with who I am. Maybe I would easier be able to distinguish "wife me" from "me me". Maybe I would take more time in the shower, be more dedicated to running, or have a bigger wardrobe. The thing I know for sure is that I would be scared. I am very comfortable being a wife. I dress nice and wear make-up because it makes me feel sexy, not because I feel the need to. I am confident in my right to be who I am all the time because I know my partner will not run. I eat right and exercise for myself, not to excite someone into speaking with me.
My point here is that every single life alternative is just that, an alternative. You would be switching your current joys for new ones, your current fears and struggles would only be replaced with a different set. There is no other reality where everything is magically better. As with everything else in life, you can't have it all. I think it is important to logically look at your what ifs and use it as a way to better the life you do live. If college is an incessant hang-up then maybe I need to be more involved in my job or maybe I need to find a new job. If past relationships are a hang-up then maybe I need to mend those friendships or cut them off entirely. You need to look into the past. You need to look at the what ifs. You need to validate all that is in you even if it is bad or scary. You do not need to turn these curiosities into regrets. You do not need to give power to the negativity.
Some of you might think that this act is pointless. Maybe you feel completely happy with the life you have, exactly the way it is. My question to you is: are you ever done growing? This exercise is not to challenge your way of life. This is not something that should make you see your day to day life as anything less than you did before. This is all about growing. I believe you can always learn more about yourself. I think you need to spend time with your fears, your regrets, and your demons. I think you need to look into the closets where you store your skeletons. I encourage you to spend time getting to know yourself. It's so easy to forget that we must practice self exploration and self love in order to thrive.
Spend some time this week on getting to know yourself. Maybe write a list of goals, maybe make a collage of dreams, maybe try and face one of your fears. Pick up the phone and call old friends, make that apology you keep putting off, reach out to someone you know has been hurting. Life is just one long string of challenges. You have so many choices to make and so many chances to grow. Step outside your comfort zone and see where it takes you.
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