You want to know a secret about me? I am a closet fashion FREAK! I mean it, you guys. I will spend hours staring at all the pretty things I can't have. I fall in love with window displays. I pet all the pretty fabrics. If I went to the mall with some extra time, I would probably try on all the things!
The truth is, this is probably my most embarrassing secret. I started falling in love with fashion when I was in my early teens. I thumbed through magazines at doctor's offices and I was so lost in all the beautiful clothing. I dreamt about jewelry, fantasized about purses, and drooled over shoes.
I grew up in a Mormon household. There really weren't any rules about not dressing nice, but it sort of felt that way to me. My step mom told me I looked fat, or maybe she would try to lighten the mood with the term chubby, if I ever wore something in my actual size. Everything in my closet was about a size too big. Without a big budget, I stuck to tee shirts and jeans. I could get more that way and plus, I was fat, so what did I care, right? Shopping felt like torture. My step mom was so conservative that anything I liked was shot down. I felt like I looked like a sausage in everything. Clothes were pretty on the hanger but "they didn't make clothes like that for girls like me". I had a huge closet of sarcastic tee shirts and baggy jeans.
My friends tried to teach me about make-up and hair when I entered high school. I loved to let them make me up. I felt so damn pretty when they would paint my lips and straighten my hair. For once I looked like a normal, pretty teenage girl. I didn't feel poor or fat when I was all dressed up. I started to pretend I didn't like this though, because I could never afford my own make-up. My step mom didn't think I needed any and even a simple tube of mascara was $9! There was no point in finding yet another thing that I couldn't have. I was so tired of lusting over things. I was over the feeling of being less than because I didn't have the money. I remember when my friends started to give me some of their old make-up. I had about 4 eye shadows and I put them on every morning with my finger tip and I felt so pretty. My little pile of make-up was maybe up to 3 tubes of lip gloss and an equal number of brown eye shadows by the time I graduated.
I watched all of the fashion trends come and go. I stood on the side lines and I would ache to wear just one. I would trade in all of my crappy jeans for just one outfit that made people say "Wow, you look really good today." When I went shopping with my friends, I would get an item from a nice store like Maurices. When i wore that one thing, I felt like a million dollars. People noticed me. People complimented me and it felt so damn good. I would try to pair that item with as many different things as I could so that no one would notice how often I wore it. Hell, I probably would have worn it every single day if I thought I could.
I worked at a thrift store and went a little crazy with the shopping. I was so excited to have my hands on sweat pants from Victoria's Secret and sweaters from American Eagle. I nearly had a heart attack when I bought my Coach purse. I wasn't even ashamed to admit I had bought it all second hand because I finally looked like a normal woman. I started getting so excited to pick an outfit for the day. Everything was so cute that I had a hard time making up my mind! I still felt a little tug at my heart though, because even if the tags said the clothes were expensive, they were simple pieces. I didn't have anything to wow. I didn't have anything that was on trend. I had switched out my graphic tees for plan scoop neck tops. My old jeans were replaced with skinny jeans, and the fact was I had just upgraded my old wardrobe into...well, a more expensive closet full of basics.
I wasn't surprised to see how much I gleaned out and donated when we moved back home. I had collected so many clothes that I didn't even know what to do with them anymore. The worst part was how few of them I really loved. My make-up collection got pumped up a little bit. Half of it is stuff to conceal my under eye circles and the other half is 5 year old MAC eye shadow I got as a birthday gift. I'll admit that my shoes got the biggest overhaul, though. I own about 20 or so pairs of shoes and 90% of them are name brand. They are all cute and perfectly in-style. I could always use more, but I know that at the very least, someone will stop to compliment my tootsies.
The more I grow, the more I yearn to change my wardrobe. I use my t-shirts for working out and sleeping, which leaves very little to wear on my days off. I dread wearing another pair of ill-fitting jeans or another tank top with a thin sweater. My boss helped me really bulk up my office wardrobe, so I usually feel like a million dollars on the week days. The update really boosted my confidence and helps me get excited about going to work. Now that I've experienced the difference, it makes it even harder to like my weekend wardrobe.
I try to think of ways to save up for just one piece. I figure I can slowly work my way up to a full closet, little by little. But when I write up our budget, there just isn't enough wiggle room. I can buy a dress if we don't spend any money hanging out with friends. I can get a statement necklace if I don't pay my cell phone bill. When i finally do look and see some freed up money, I can't rationalize the purchase of one expensive item. I am so used to shopping for quantity instead of quality. I look at the clothing for so long and I get so stressed that I never actually make the purchase. My dream is to make enough money one day to buy clothes that really reflect my personality. I get so frustrated having to buy cheap clothing that falls apart so quickly. I haven't had the money to buy the proper sized bra since I got fitted back in 2011 and I have worn holes in 80% of my underwear.
So I am confessing all of this to you guys. I love fashion. I am dying for a plaid jacket to wow this Winter. I am lusting over black boots with studs and high waisted jeans and loud necklaces. I am watching all of these amazingly fun trends come and go and all I want to do is stop paying my bills so I can join in. I want to embrace all of the awesome clothes they make for women! I want people on the street to look at me and know what I am about. I want to get dressed every day and feel like the successful woman I am. Here's to hoping I can fulfill my dream one day. I would be okay with someone starting a fund to clothe me or taking me downtown and Pretty Womaning me, too. Just say the word!
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