This morning I said I had nothing to write about today. It didn't take long to find today's topic. As a supporter of rape victims and an advocate for justice, I feel it is important to highlight the fact that rape is EVERYONE'S issue.
*WARNING: This post has only mild content but does contain repeated mention of rape.*
The majority of the time, when the subject of rape is discussed, we focus on female victims. It only seems natural when you think about it. Most of the people who are talking about rape are women. Statistically speaking, around 90% of reported rapes have female victims. Victim blaming and slut shaming are fiercely directed at females. Trust me, I see it and I know. That being said, I would really like it if I started seeing more photos and statistics that included males.
I have seen a number of photos that are widely shared that specifically attack men with sayings like "teach your sons not to rape" and "real men don't rape." We need to step back and see what we are really saying here. When you say these things, what you are really saying is that men are to blame. When you urge people to teach their daughters how to fight off a rapist, and to teach their sons not to rape, you are sending all of the wrong messages.
Think about how strong gender stereotypes are. Think about the idea that boys and men are still afraid to cry and still feel the need to be the bread winners, and then think about how badly these messages are hurting them. Have you ever stopped to think about why the statistics seem so outrageously heavy with female victims? If a man is assaulted by another man, how likely do you think he is to report it? Imagine all of the stigmas around his case. Think of just how heavy the shame is going to feel on the victim. Think of all the gay slurs, the emasculating insults, and just how much those things would deter him from reporting. If a man is assaulted by a woman, what are the chances that either he is going to admit that it was rape or even understand that it was rape? Men are taught from an early age that all sex is good sex. Look back on Chris Brown's interview where he brags about having sex at a very young age with a much older young lady. Men are praised for losing their virginity and celebrated for the number of sexual partners they have had. Not only that, but many times boys and men believe that they are bigger and stronger than women. When a man has a weak arm, he "throws like a girl". When a woman wins an argument, they get made fun of because "you just lost to a girl." This view of gender inequality can tie an outrageous amount of shame onto being raped by a woman.
When I look at the ways society acts as a whole, I am not surprised to see the low reporting numbers for male victims. I am surprised at how many people believe that millions of female rape victims aren't reporting, but also believe that the measly 9% reporting rate for male victims seems accurate. I don't question for a second the fact that the majority of rapes do, in fact, have female victims. I do wonder how much the percentage would change if it was more acceptable for men to report. I think about how many men sit in silence all their lives. I think about how few male survivors are getting the help they need. Even as a rape survivor, I can't imagine the strength it must take to break through all of those gender stereotypes and admit that you were raped. My heart breaks over the idea that rape victim advocates are creating such an open and encouraging space for women to come forward and report their cases without including male victims. I stress over the idea that with all the good I am trying to do, I am successfully spread rape culture by only speaking about women getting raped.
Rape is not a feminist issue. Rape is not a subject about equality. Rape does not consider your gender. Rape is as much my issue as it is your issue. Rape happens every few minutes.
Millions of victims don't report, don't get counselling, don't ever heal because of rape culture. As a whole, we need to stop this. We need to support all victims. We need to punish all rapists. We need to be as open and supportive as possible. We need to keep sharing statistics, keep pushing for rape kits to be tested, keep spreading the word that rapists are getting away because of some sort of political pull. So many rape victims have been silenced, so we must speak for them. We must write, we must call, we must shout.
I urge you to research rape centers in your area. I beg you to take a little time out of your life to go to an awareness run, go do a slut walk, go volunteer at a RAINN center, volunteer to answer calls with a rape hotline. If you have children, I know it's a scary topic, but speak to them. If they are very young make sure they know what is inappropriate touch. Teach your sons and your daughters about what is okay and not okay when people are touching their bodies. I know you want to put it off. I know you want to believe it isn't an issue because your child is very young. I was raped when I was five years old. I cannot stress this enough. If they are old enough to speak, they are old enough to learn. When they get older, teach them about consent. It is important for them to verbally give consent and it is their job to always get verbal consent before anything happens. A proper gentleman or young lady asks to kiss. Pressuring your boyfriend or girlfriend is not okay. If their boyfriend or girlfriend is not ready, make sure they know that they need to step back. No will always mean no. Your boyfriend or girlfriend will tell you when they are ready. Speak to them about alcohol and sex because this might come up. Let them know that if their girlfriend or boyfriend is drunk, they are not able to give consent. It is wrong to take advantage of drunk girls or boys. This topic is so wide and so complicated. I know it will be a hard discussion but it needs to happen. No one is teaching them this in school! Sex-ed does not include anything about this. It is your job as a parent to educate your child to the best of your ability. You cannot protect them from everything. You cannot always stop rape from happening. The best first step though, is providing them with knowledge.
Let's keep on fighting the good fight. Try to be an ally and support for all people. Be strong and be loud for those who cannot. Together we can end rape culture.
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