I really love and really hate makeovers on TV! Let's talk about why.
Everywhere you look, there are 'before and after' photos. They will do comparisons of everything from weight loss to styles changes to plastic surgery. It's startling to put two pictures right next to eachother and really get a good idea of how the person's body has changed. Sometimes it can get a little out of control though.
I, personally, support your decision to do side-by-side comparisons anytime you want. I think it can be a fun way to see your body change as well as a healthy way to encourage you to stay on track. The danger comes when the voice in the back of your head gets a little too loud. When you start looking at the photos of you, or of other people, are you being positive or negative about it? Think back to the last thought or comment you had on one of these. Did you say something like "Wow she looks so much better" or "He is so hot now"? Did you let the person know that you love how happy they look or that they look so much stronger? Did you, and it's okay to admit this, but did you say or think something along the lines of "You looked terrible before" or even "Look at x, y, z. That is so nasty"? Don't feel bad or guilty, though I would encourage you to apologize if you said that to someone. Just take the time to acknowledge it. Take responsibility for what you said or thought. These sorts of things are encouraged and promoted in today's society and it is so easy to get caught up in it. Let's promise to make a conscious effort to only say positive things when we see these things on TV, in magazines, or on social media. Let's think of a list of things that would be really great to say. Keep in mind the things you say while watching TV or reading a magazine may affect anyone listening so let's try to stay positive as much as possible. I'm going to make a list for different situations. Feel free to add your suggestions in the comments!
- "Seeing you happy makes me happy!"
- "I admire your drive. Maybe sometime we can do _____ together."
- "I love your style; it really fits your personality."
- "She looks totally different. I love how bodies can be beautiful at any size!"
You can also ask encouraging questions, which are just as good as outright compliments. I actually prefer this because it sparks a conversation!
- "You said you've started being more active, right? What sorts of things do you like to do?"
- "I love your make-up today. Can you show me how to do ______?"
- "That dress is killing me! Where did you get it?"
- "Your x/y/z looks great. I was hoping to build strength in that part of my body too. Do you have any advice for me?"
I really want to mention that everyone changes! Each and every person will have their own reason for what they do so don't jump to conclusions. It is never bad to ask somebody why they do what they do. I, for instance, am currently working out 4-5 days a week and sticking to a high protein, high complex carb diet. I am aiming to eat cleaner and eat as a calorie deficit. Yes, I do want to lose weight. Yes, I do have a goal of what I want my body to achieve. Yes, I still eat ice cream, drink sweet tea, and skip the gym sometimes. No, I do not follow a fad diet. I follow a diet my doctors suggested for my medical condition hypoglycemia. No, I don't eat 1200 calories a day. No, I do not feel like I am starving. No, I do not really want to go eat fried chicken because although it tastes good it makes my tummy mad. It is okay to ask me what motivates me. It is okay to say "Rachel, I noticed you changed the way you eat, are you trying to lose weight?" I won't be offended. I am not ashamed to tell you that I am trying to take better care of my body because I love me and I would like me to hang around for another 50 or more years. If I were doing it to lose weight, I wouldn't be ashamed either. I can want to lose weight without doing it because that is what people tell me I should want. These are our bodies and we are free to do as we please. I get concerned when my coworker mentions she used to be smaller than she is now and then says she only ate a rice cake yesterday. This concerns me because this is not good for your body. But because I am not a doctor, and I wouldn't want someone to tell me that eating donuts is not good for my body, I just ignore those comments. I do not tell her she is being unreasonable. I also do not ever tell her she looks thin. I will tell her she looks pretty, that I like her dress, that her hair looks good but I make a point to never comment on her size. Go ahead and start a conversation with your friend who is trying to be vegetarian or your friend who recently swore off diets. See what motivates them. It is part of what makes us beautiful.
I have a confession to make so just hang in there for a moment. I love 'What Not To Wear". Okay, really it's more of a love-hate relationship. I'll start with what I love about it! I have watched marathons of this show for hour son end, I have recorded and even pirated episodes of it. I really have watched a whole lot of 'What Not To Wear'. I think my interested was sparked by the title. I grew up as a pretty big tom boy and I also grew up relatively poor. When I was young I loved my Easter and Christmas dresses just as much as my ratty jeans and overalls. I dressed myself in a mish mosh of all colors and patterns because that was what I liked and I didn't give a crap. All that magic started to fade when I hit adolescence. I picked up on the idea that some clothes were "cuter" than others and that some things the boys liked better. I started dressing in things that I didn't particularly like, because other people liked them. After I put on weight, I decided that baggy shirts and jeans would work just fine. I had no desire to put any energy into my appearance. Then I started to watch this show. Women of all shapes and sizes were finding clothes that made them look wonderful. I was finally seeing bodies similar to mine on the TV and they looked so good. I was in love with the idea that these women were like me. They dressed poorly because they didn't know better, couldn't afford better, or felt just as bad about their bodies as I did. The way I saw it, this show was helping ladies like me be pretty. In fact, for the first time, I was hearing people ON TV say that these women were beautiful. Their jaws dropped and their eyes sparkled and I thought "That could be me!" For the first time, TV was showing me that I could be beautiful, too. From then on I tried to apply "the rules" as much as I could when we went shopping. I tried darker wash jeans, layering, and 3/4 sleeves. I learned my favorite fashion rule of all, which is that neutrals can be mixed! I even picked up some make-up tips. (Not so many of these...I am 21 and still learning!)
It wasn't until I got older that I started to really have some issues with this show. For starters, I don't like the entire beginning part. I don't care for the idea that their friends and family 'nominate' them. The idea that their closest friends are either so embarrassed or think it is so funny the way these women dress that they are willing to humiliate them on TV is a shame. I understand that by secretly filming them, it gives the participant a chance to see what they look like, which could help. I don't like the way the hosts make fun of them while watching the video clips. I also understand the 360 mirror. I am sure most people don't realize how things really look on them and it could be eye opening. But, again with the mockery. Is it necessary to laugh at the participant the entire time? Do you need to make jokes about their wardrobe while you throw it all out? (They actually donate all of the clothing, so no quarrels there!) The general idea of shaming the person I think limits the experience for them. I fight with myself over how I feel about "the rules" that are established during the show. On one hand, I think it's really helpful for the participant. Knowing what silhouettes and patterns look best on you is a good starting point. I wish it wasn't made to sound like these are rules they must follow for the rest of their days. At one point I think you need to be able to say "Maybe this dress doesn't hide my muffin top" or "My flabby arms aren't hidden because it's too damn hot for a cardigan" and then buy that piece with confidence and rock the hell out of it. We love our bodies and while we may want to present ourselves in the best possible light, we shouldn't let social rules determine that we cannot or should not wear something.
I think a lot of these points can be applied to most makeover shows. Helping people who don't know what is flattering and want to learn is great. Showing busy women how to do a natural make-up in a short routine in the morning is fabulous. Teaching women that certain hairstyles will lay better with their hair texture is the bomb. Giving people financial means to succeed in the business world is straight up awesome. AMBUSHING someone and challenging them to do a show while you video tape their reaction is kind of a shit bag move. Another thing I hate, and this is an actual example I saw on TV the other week, is when you pick people at random. That's right- you go into a crowd and look for the ugliest woman you can find. YOU decide that she is not good the way she is. YOU see all the bad and you want to fix it because that is going to improve her life somehow. So after you bring her to the studio, you do her make-up, you treat her hair, and then you ask her if she will be comfortable in this outfit. SHE SAYS NO. She tells you that she will not be comfortable in this outfit. She probably wouldn't wear this at home let alone on national TV. But you don't care. You put her in it anyways. You put this woman in a mid-thigh length bodycon dress and then "debut" her new look. And you know what? She holds her hands around her waist. She doesn't smile when her husband smiles. You even mention out loud that she didn't want to wear this dress and she confirms that she should not, in fact, ever wear it. But you don't apologize. You smile and you tell her she looks great and you feel no regret for the discomfort you just caused her. This is disgusting. I was so mad I haven't watched that show (The TODAY Show) since. It is never okay to have someone do something or wear something they are not comfortable with. It is never okay to imply that someone is so unpretty that you want to do them a favor and make them over. It is never okay to be a douche.
I recently had sort of a makeover experience of my own. Now my husband and I work jobs that make us happy and that often means we go without a lot of luxuries. We're still young, still starting out, and things like dinners with friends or date nights together are prioritized over new clothes. Before I started work at my office, I had never needed a pair of slacks or a button up top. I went to a local thrift store and found a lot of things I thought would be nice. I also had very little idea of what would be appropriate for the office. The main incident being I thought Casual Friday meant....well, casual. My boss has sort of taken me under her wing and she knows good and well that my husband and I do not make a ton of money. She knows I am doing the best with what I have and I am always following the main rules (covered shoulders and very little cleavage). She wanted to give me the chance to be a little more professional though, and she took me shopping. She said she didn't want to take away my fun style or make anything too unsexy because that is who I am. She just wanted to facilitate more options. We got 2 pairs of slacks, a skirt, 6 tops, 3 dresses, and 2 pairs of shoes. I was very polite and thanked her while we were there, but at home it was totally different. It has been about 3 years since I last had brand new clothing from a department store (if the PX counts). I hadn't had those crappy plastic hangers in my closet for ages and it made me feel so good about myself. I wanted to change, but I didn't have the means to do it. I wanted to show my best face at work. I want my wardrobe to help me grow in the business. Experiences like this help you grow, learn, and play around with your business style. There were two dresses that didn't have any tricks to them. They didn't pleat, bunch, have empire waists, or anything. You could tell it sort of made my boss uncomfortable. I was not angry about it but I pushed for the dresses. I told her I liked them and I liked the way I looked in them. She said that was what mattered and she was happy I liked them.
There will probably always be makeover shows, before and after magazine articles, and people will be constantly changing. The important thing is that we support the good and refuse to acknowledge the bad. I don't think telling someone that they shouldn't change is the same as telling them they don't have to change. Let them know that you support them in everything they do. Let them know that if their free time is spent on a bike, on a trail, or in the water then you want to be a part of that. Let them know they are incredible, they are beautiful, and they are worthy of praise no matter what. Sometimes what you say will come out wrong, or affect them the wrong way. Forgive yourself. Sometimes maybe you will get caught up in doing something or wearing something for the compliments. It's okay. Just keep your mind and your words positive. As always, plant love and love will grow.
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