"In these bodies we will live. In these bodies we will die.
Where you invest your love, you invest your life."
-Mumford and Sons
I love my body. Last night I stood against a blank wall in my fat glory and let my husband take full-body photos. I will admit that when I first saw them, my eyes went straight to the fattest parts of me. The longer I looked though, the more beauty I saw. I was mesmerized with the color of my hair, the slope of my shoulders, the curve of my belly. I smiled at the dimples on the back of my knees and the unstoppable view of my big booty. There was a twinge of sadness when I realized I may never again see my body this way. Last night I stood against a blank wall and took "before" pictures.
Whoa, whoa, hold on just a minute. What am I doing taking "before" pictures if I love myself so much? What is all this nonsense about a meal plan and going to the gym? How can I advocate for fat acceptance and body love if I am not really happy with myself? Well, let me get one thing straight here. Being accepting of fat bodies, admiring luscious curves, fawning over plus sized ladies is not dependent on my own fatness. Moreso, loving my body at this size does not mean that I am incapable of loving it at a smaller or at a bigger size. Remember that step one is to stop judging.
I have a blood sugar issue known as hypoglycemia. There's a chance I have an ulcer or some other form of intestinal issue in addition to this. Many foods make me bloat, make my stomach burn, and/or leave me on the toilet for hours. Disgusting, I know. It's also a very uncomfortable existence. I tell myself that I am eating the way the doctors recommend but the fact of the matter is that I'm not. This isn't a diet for getting to a healthy BMI or to please my doctors when I step on the scale. This is an eating plan designed to fuel my body. The way I am going to eat from now on should keep my blood sugar level, my belly full, my energy up, and yes it should knock off a few pounds. This is a bold move I am making to better take care of my body that I love so dearly. I hope that with this new lifestyle I can say goodbye to sleepless nights, handfuls of tums, and piles of clothes that won't accommodate my bloating belly. Instead of frozen foods, processed snacks, and fried goodies I will be waking every morning with fresh proteins, whole grains, and fresh fruits. Am i still going to have my morning coffee with flavored creamer? You bet your sweet ass. Will I stare at my ice cream cone with shame? Absolutely not. Will I feel the need to forgive myself if I order a soda with my meal? No, I really won't. This change is about finding a happy balance with my body and finding true potential in my ability to be endlessly happy.
I am also going to begin a gym routine 5 days a week. I'm a simple woman and I enjoy the simple pleasures in life. My favorite hobbies include cloud watching, rolling down grassy hills, reading, and going to the gym. I don't drink very often, I don't smoke, and I don't touch drugs. When I've had a stressful day all I want to do is strap on my shoes and go for a run. There's no feeling like the rush of the wind, the pooling of sweat, the rhythmic thumping of my feet on the ground. Gym time is me time and lately I have not been tapping into it. Nothing makes me feel more empowered than feeling my muscles strain against the cold weights. Tapping into that raw, animal part of me is very invigorating. I am amazed by the strength and power in my body. I stare at the mirror in awe. This beautiful machine of a body can move mountains.
I take pride in watching my body transform. I remember the new found glory I felt when I started to grow hips in middle school. I can almost pinpoint the first time I ran my fingers along a stretch mark and marveled at how rigid it looked, but how soft it felt. I paid close attention everytime a curve would become accentuated. An old pair of jeans suddenly highlighted muscles I didn't know I had. With weight loss I was interested to see where it would come from first. One time my breasts fell and swelled with each pound. Another time it came from my hips and thighs. Always my stomach has been last, so always I have been familiar with the supple roundness of my middle section. When I frequent the gym, I am always searching for new muscle definition. I overlook the number on the scale, lose the body tape measure, and just flex and stretch the new parts of me. I fall in love all over again with my arms, shoulders, my thighs. With every hour at the gym I am finding more reasons to love my body.
I am in love with the yellow hue in my skin, the fine hairs along my jaw, the wrinkles in my knuckles. I count the flecks in my eyes, the stretchmarks on my thighs, the freckles peppering my skin. I admire the jiggle in my belly as I laugh, the lines created with every smile, and the tight definition in my calves. At every angle I find something new to see, to feel, and to like. I see nothing to lose and everything to gain. Beyond that I am building a deeper respect for myself. I am seeing endurance I didn't know I could posses. I am finding the mental block of 'I can't' and then digging out the faith in myself to hurdle it.
As long as I start and end every day with thanks in my heart, all is well. As long as I can look back on yesterday and see growth, I am proud. As long as I keep moving forward, there is nothing that can stop me.
No comments:
Post a Comment