*WARNING: This post is mild but is on the topic of rape*
I have a confession to make. I have never forgiven my rapist.
Many rape victims will find peace when they find it within themselves to forgive their attacker. A large number of people believe that you cannot fully heal until you have done this. People often go on to tell you that holding onto that anger is not benefiting you in any way and even if you could take it out on them, it would not undo what has been done. It is also widely accepted that forgiving your rapist allows you to forgive yourself. I am not ashamed to say that I, personally, have no desire to find forgiveness in my heart for my rapist.
I don't believe that I will gain any sense of peace, closure, healing, or self growth by changing how I feel about the man who raped me. The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as "to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of offence or debt." In all my years of reflecting and healing, I have never felt as though my attacker deserves to be absolved of his offenses. In fact I have spent so long going over the things I wish he had to deal with as a result of what he did. I have been torn apart by the fact that he never has to feel remorse. He never has to see the damage that he did to me or the shattered memories he left behind. He will never have the chance to even feel guilty about it because I was so easily swept under the rug. He was so easily allowed to move on with his life and forget the blood upon his hands and that disgusts me. I reflected on this information a lot over the past 16 years. I said to myself "Look at all the power he still has over me. Look at all the ways I want to harm him, to hurt him. Why am I letting him have all the power still?" So I let a lot of that go. I released a lot of the anger that I had in my heart. I released the anger partially because, well, honestly I thought it would bring him pleasure. I don't know what kind of sicko he turned out to be and I was revolted at the idea that he would enjoy my pain. I released a lot of the anger because I let myself be human and I let it cross my mind that maybe this man was sick. Trust me, this was just a tiny, sad, confused part of me but I acknowledged this part of me and let go. I let go of some of the anger because instead of wanting justice, I just found myself wanting revenge. I don't think it makes me much better than him if I sit around having fantasies of bringing him to tears, so I let go. But above all I let go because I am not a victim any longer.
The idea of healing through forgiveness is just lost on me. This man took so much from me. He pinned me down and sapped the life out of me. He tainted my idea of love, acceptance, self confidence, sex, and so many other things. I have spent so much energy trying to undo what he did and now someone has the gall to suggest that I should give him something else? When I look inside me I cannot find an area of my life that has never been altered by the ripples of my rape. As far as I am concerned, I don't owe that man anything. To build on that, I don't see the correlation between forgiving him and forgiving myself. In no way, shape, or form do I blame myself any longer for what happened when i was a child. I forgave myself for spending so long blaming myself. I forgave myself for thinking that being raped meant I was dirty. I forgave myself for mistaking sex for affection time and time again. I forgave myself for thinking no one would be willing to sit through the nightmares, the flashbacks, and the tears. I spent so much time loving and forgiving myself, and none of it included him. If other victims have been able to find healing, I am so happy for them. I do not think that one form of healing is any better than another. I hope all survivors find growth and healing after their attacks. I just don't see how my path of healing leaves any space to open up after all this time and once again give to my rapist.
Healing and growing are different journeys for all of us, but we must remember that we are one. We are a community of men, women, and children who have felt the same pain. We have seen the World through the eyes of a victim and we have made the decision to survive. When everything seemed beaten, broken, and pointless we decided we deserved more. It has taken me a long time to stop comparing my journey to the journey of others. I think it's normal to look at someone else's story and wish that it were yours. When we hurt, we naturally want to see who hurts more than us and who hurts less. A part of us is greedy in its pain. There's that part of us that secretly wants to be more hurt than everyone else because it is our pain. That is our stake in the World. We own that special level of hurt. Then there's the part of us that wants so badly to have never felt the pain at all. We want our abuse or rape to somehow be "the easiest type". For instance I was very young when I was attacked. It happened more than once and I was fully aware of what was going on. I was also threatened and scared into silence for so long. It is easy to imagine that if I were older, if I had tried to fight back, or if I was drugged that maybe I would have hurt less. We know this isn't true but we can't help but hope that there was a less painful alternative and we can't help but wish that was our story. But every story is our story.
Every victim feels so much more at home around other victims. There is pain and fear in our hearts that is understood only by experience. We need eachother to be our strongest. Those of us who can speak, should speak for those of us who must stay silent. Those of us who will never see our attackers brought to justice find peace and strength in every trial we watch. Those of us who have made it through without addiction must reach our hands out to those of us who fell victim again. We are all at different points and we all hurt in different ways. We must give our strength where another lacks so that together we are better.
Healing and growing are different journeys for all of us, but we must remember that we are one. We are a community of men, women, and children who have felt the same pain. We have seen the World through the eyes of a victim and we have made the decision to survive. When everything seemed beaten, broken, and pointless we decided we deserved more. It has taken me a long time to stop comparing my journey to the journey of others. I think it's normal to look at someone else's story and wish that it were yours. When we hurt, we naturally want to see who hurts more than us and who hurts less. A part of us is greedy in its pain. There's that part of us that secretly wants to be more hurt than everyone else because it is our pain. That is our stake in the World. We own that special level of hurt. Then there's the part of us that wants so badly to have never felt the pain at all. We want our abuse or rape to somehow be "the easiest type". For instance I was very young when I was attacked. It happened more than once and I was fully aware of what was going on. I was also threatened and scared into silence for so long. It is easy to imagine that if I were older, if I had tried to fight back, or if I was drugged that maybe I would have hurt less. We know this isn't true but we can't help but hope that there was a less painful alternative and we can't help but wish that was our story. But every story is our story.
Every victim feels so much more at home around other victims. There is pain and fear in our hearts that is understood only by experience. We need eachother to be our strongest. Those of us who can speak, should speak for those of us who must stay silent. Those of us who will never see our attackers brought to justice find peace and strength in every trial we watch. Those of us who have made it through without addiction must reach our hands out to those of us who fell victim again. We are all at different points and we all hurt in different ways. We must give our strength where another lacks so that together we are better.
There was a long period of time when all I wanted was to see him again. I wanted to show him all the pain and brokenness he left me with. I wanted him to be faced with the fact that he took a five year old girl and stole all the beauty of being young from her. Then I wanted to hurt him so badly. I wanted a chance to make his body feel pain like mine had. I wanted him to cry, I wanted him to beg like I had. Thankfully I left that behind me. I think I would like to see him one day. I think I'd like to show him that I am capable of surviving. I would show him my husband, my children, tell him about all my accomplishments in life. I would want him to know that every trace of him has been erased from my life and he has no claim to fame any longer. I'd like to smile right in his face and show him that he didn't break me. I have the heart of a lion, the will of an ox, and after 15 years of surviving, I am ready to go ahead and thrive.
I've not forgiven either. That is a (I think) silly thing to expect as part of the healing process. You've journeyed far beyond me on this topic but I fully support how you look at life, how you'd like to hold your chin up high and tell him to fuck off and die to his face, how you have let go of so much of the anger that keeps you a victim. I suppose, in time, I'll find a way to let go. But for now, my heart smiles for you in your happiness, your health, your journey, your realizations, your SUCCESS.
ReplyDeleteEveryone heals in their own way. I admire people who choose the path of forgiveness. It's hard not to think that one way is better than the other or that one way shows more strength, but I think it's important to respect each process as its own. :)
Delete