A letter

To me, to you, to anyone really. This is a letter.

In this World you are going to encounter so much pain. You will feel your heart break every day in women, men, and children. You will see it in animals and in the destruction of nature. Everywhere you turn there will be pain and I promise you will always be aware of this. In my 21 years I haven't sorted out if it's a gift or a curse but your heart will beat in time with the tears of strangers. You will enter every situation with your heart first and your mind second and because of this, you too will feel pain. You are going to lose people. Not just someone you like, but people you really love. You are going to grieve but you are also going to carry on their light. You are going to encounter things so much bigger than you and you are going to be afraid. Even when you feel drained or crushed, know that you can overcome whatever it is. Keep pushing forward. There will be times when you feel like you have no control over anything. Stop. Breathe in. Breathe out. Close your eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out. I'm going to tell you something very scary, okay? You are not in control. So many things are going to happen and you will not be in control. Despite how often your brain sends you nasty messages, try to fight back with positivity. You can acknowledge those thoughts. In fact, that might be the easiest way to prevent them from turning into monstrosities. But that doesn't mean you have to validate them. Even when you get sad and scared and the darkness is threatening, remember that you are a light. You are in this World because you are a flame that cannot be extinguished. It's okay to be sad, but it's important to try and remember things that make you happy. You are your biggest hurdle and your biggest resource here. This is a fight that is entirely inside of you. Try to get out of bed. Try to go see your friends. Try to get on the phone and speak to someone. If it's just too much right now then take a break and try again later. Just promise me you will never stop trying. You are a spitfire. This is going to cause you problems for your whole life. People are going to sense that you have something they don't and it is going to enrage them. I can't tell you every tactic they are going to use and I don't know how you can tell those people apart from people who are going to love you. All I can tell you is that those people; those sad broken people are going to do anything they can think of to try and demolish you. It is going to be very hard to not let them get to you. You will be weak sometimes and you will let them see you cry or get angry but that's okay. Spitfire or not, you are human. I promise you that when all is said and done, you will come out stronger. It won't be difficult to remove yourself completely from these people and move on. Just always remember the thing they are mad about is so good and so pure. You are so damn good and so damn precious. I don't tell you that enough and I'm sorry. The news is going to get very scary as time goes on. For months on end you will read about bombs, riots, civil wars, shootings, rapes...and it will be hard to see the good. You will get wrapped up in all the horrible awful things that you might forget what's real. Be vocal about the things that upset you. Raise awareness to the issues. Give your voice for the silent. The important thing is to not get lost in the negativity. Don't ever forget that the people doing these things are few and far between. Maybe one day they will be even more so. You are going to have to make some really big decisions in life. In fact, you are going to have to make a lot of these decisions alone and it will be very scary. I know you're analytical and you like to plan but sometimes life happens on its own terms and you have to improvise. In these times just remember to trust in you. Your intuition is so strong and you are so smart. Please just follow your heart and know that it is going to be okay. You will go through hell. That's not just a saying. I am actually warning you that you will go through hell. You will get burned and scarred and it will take a very long time to heal. The good news is that you will grow from each and every moment. You have this natural ability to turn all of the ashes into fertile soil for new seeds. I hope you never lose that. So you want me to tell you about the good stuff? You are going to find love. You are going to find so much love that it will reduce you to tears...constantly. You will find friends in the least likely place. That same light, the same spitfire nature that draws in all those nasty people will also draw in so many good people. Even at times when you are thousands of miles away from home, you will always be loved. I also want to tell you that you will get better. Your mental illness will quiet down to a dull roar and, believe it or not, you will find it within yourself to stop self harming. Beyond that, you will get better at..well..being you. It takes some time but you grow into a pretty spectacular woman. All that joy that nearly smothered you when you pulled out of your depression is something that you come to really treasure. You let go of a lot of your vices and one day comes when you stop standing in your own way. Don't tell anyone else, but there's even a point when you really let it sink in that you could change the World. When you get to that point in life, tell me how it goes. You get really adventurous as life goes on. You never stop being loud or really animated. You do stop growing...around age 13. You won't get that 3 year engagement that you always hoped for but you do get to marry your best friend. I don't know about the future but right now I can tell you that you don't live on a farm and you don't have a baby on each hip. You will change your mind on an awful lot of things. It may be disappointing at first to let go of dreams you cherished for so long but it's part of growing up. Just know that the path you choose makes you happy. Speaking of growing up, you really will change a lot. Some things will be so subtle you won't bat an eye and other things will blow you away. You remember that Summer you spent just trying to figure out who the hell you were? Don't forget it because you will need to do it again probably every few years. Never lose touch of yourself. You boyfriend, girlfriend, husband...everyone will understand if you need some time to think. You must remain your top priority. Never stop dreaming. Never stop wishing. Never stop questioning everything. These things make you so amazingly you. These are the traits that will help you remember this: life is wonderful. Don't stop marveling at the rough bark of the trees, the rainbow of leaves, and the way they dance in the wind. Stop at all the state line signs and take photos. It may be cheesy but it is so fun! Eat the local dish and then laugh the entire way through it because, well, it's fucking awful. You need the Ocean. Not everyone understands the siren song but you will ache for the salty air and the sandy shores. Never stray too far. You are always at your best near the water. You are never too old to run through the sprinklers. You are going to want to take those terrible pictures from the car. Your husband will tell you not to but you will anyways. I don't think you will ever outgrow your love of flying. You will give up on the twenty or so tattoo ideas you have. Thank you parents for all of their piercing and tattoo rules. The tattoos you do get will mean so much to you. You are going to be an incredible wife. Marriage will be a huge learning experience. Saying "I do" will be one of your proudest moments. You will be really in tune with your body later on. Listen to everything it tries to tell you. This saves you so much pain. You have a knack for staying on the optimistic side of reality. This will come in handy more than you know. Don't be afraid of your own strength. Life will throw so many things at you and it won't tarnish you. Also you'll find your niche in the gym one day and don't let those muscles scare you either. A lot of people are going to tell you they look up to you or are inspired by you. It's going to feel really weird, but it's also going to be pretty amazing. It's okay to be proud of what you accomplish. 

I just wanted to write you to try and give you some insight. I know how hard it is to step back and see the good or to look forward far enough to hope for more. I know how incredibly easy it is to forget that inside of you there is something good. I hope you can face the day with a little more oomf than before. I hope you can find it in you to smile and go kick the day's ass. I hope you never lose yourself in all the craziness. I will always love you.