Loving a Survivor 101

After 15 years of healing, growing, and figuring out how to love myself I figured I would share some knowledge with you. 

*WARNING: This post has mild content, but the subject of the post is rape and abuse.*

As a survivor, I am very well aware of the fact that it is not easy to love someone who was once a victim. I know that many of my natural reactions are uncalled for and may even seem ridiculous. I am conscious of the fact that flashbacks, nightmares, and panic attacks are not fun for anyone. It's because of this that I know life with a survivor is difficult. In order to help myself heal, I have poured a lot of time and energy into loving myself. This includes all the scary things that go along with life after abuse.

Let me start by saying the number one thing a survivor needs is pure unadulterated love. They don't need people to use the term 'love' lightly and they don't need you to only love them when it is convenient. This is a long term commitment. They need you to love them even on the worst nights and I can promise those nights are going to be bad. This one thing can delay or accelerate healing more than I can tell you. 

First of all, we are still struggling to sort things out such as: How do we accept love?  Can love exist without abuse? If x, y, z is true about me, how can someone love me? Am I loveable? What is love? The list goes on. To put it simply, love is very confusing for someone who has been abused. Many times our abuse has been in some way connected to affection. Maybe our abuser was a boyfriend, friend, or family member. Maybe our abuser said affectionate things about us being beautiful or about them loving us during the abuse. Maybe we let the abuse continue so we didn't lose the abuser. Personally, I found that the term itself was pointless. I heard it all day, every day from people on the street. People said it as though they were listing the bones in their body. It was boring and it was flat. It was never important to me that someone told me they loved me. I didn't get butterflies the first time a boy admitted it and I never hung a lot of significance upon it. 

What I really suggest is showing them that you love them. A survivor can be a little tougher to crack so I am warning you now. This will take significantly longer than it ever has with another guy/girl. Like I said, this is a long term thing. Whether it's a friendship or a romance, you are going to need to invest in this relationship. Speaking from personal experience, I think PDA is important. Some people may be uncomfortable with it, but I know it was important to me. Something as simple as a hug, kiss, or declaration of love in public can mean a lot. This helps us feel like we aren't a secret. For me, this was the difference between a 'real' relationship and a 'fake' one. Any hesitancy you may have felt for any reason made me feel dejected, broken, and shameful. If you were only sweet to me when we were alone, I was certain that you were hiding it from everyone and therefore didn't care. Vice versa! If you are typically in a group setting, that's fabulous and fun, but alone time is important too. Even in a friendship, you need to know that you are friends even when there aren't other people to hold you together. Having one-on-one chemistry is vital. This shows the survivor that they are fun and relate-able all on their own. This really opens them up to feeling pretty awesome about themselves. Really take the time to get to know your friend or lover. If you have the patience and the bravery, try to get them to open up. From the small things like knowing their favorite restaurant or favorite flower to the really big things like telling you their abuse story. The more in depth you get, the more healing and growing that can happen between the two of you. Nothing says "I love you" like giving them something or taking them somewhere that only you and he/she knows about. 

Make an effort to be friends with their friends, lover, and/or family. Try to encourage their support system to help you find ways to make the survivor feel special. Discuss with them and see if there are certain triggers you need to avoid. This can be a difficult subject for the survivor so speaking with those closest to them can help. Do not speak about these things without speaking to the survivor first. The last thing you want is for them to think they cannot trust you or that you do not trust them. Let them know that you want to support them as best as you can. You want to know how to best avoid causing issues and if the subject is too sensitive for them, you would like to ask their family and friends. Ask them if there are things that they do not want you to know. For example, if the survivor is not comfortable with you knowing the details of their abuse yet, do not ask their friends to tell you. They will tell you in due time. Never rush them when it comes to opening up. Remember that speaking about their abuse can be very difficult. This is a vulnerable part of them and it can be exhausting to even think about. Also keep in mind that they may be scared of losing you. They know that these things are scary and awful and they don't want you to feel pity for them or to leave because it's too difficult. Always let them know that you aren't going anywhere so when they are ready, you will listen. 

Trust is a huge factor in love and, dare I say, even bigger when it comes to loving a survivor and earning their love. Try to recognize the significance that is behind each piece of information they share with you. It will probably be slow, but it takes a lot of strength and trust to open up. Keep in mind that they need you to listen above all else. Just because they are ready to share one thing does not necessarily mean they are ready to answer your questions. This is a slow process, but I promise you they are trying. Remember that the abuse is in the past and you cannot change it. Know that everyone else has probably looked at them with pity, with anguish, and treated them like they were glass. We do not like to feel fragile. We are strong and we need to remember it. That's not easy when everyone whispers around you or apologizes for things they cannot change. Thank them for opening up and then give them your thoughts. Tell them how strong and brave they are. Tell them that you love them. Tell them that you are so proud of them. Try to remember that the man or woman standing in front of you is not a victim. The person in front of you is a survivor.

Be prepared for the worst. Abuse can affect a person in more ways than you might be able to imagine. There's no telling how deep the pain is or how easily the person will unravel. There's a chance your partner will not be able to have sex with you or will have issues achieving an orgasm. This is leftover from sexual trauma and can last well past the time of abuse. This only reminds the survivor of just how deep the emotional scars are. Try to be patient and loving. Play around with other intimate things so that you don't experience a rift in your relationship. There's a chance your friend can't go certain places or hang out with certain people because it sparks memories, flashbacks, or nightmares. I watched a movie last year that left me fighting nightmares and flashbacks for a month. They may not know what will trigger episodes so you won't always have a warning. As with most things, just face this with as much love and understanding as you can muster. Hold them through the nightmares and the tears. Ask them if there's something special you can do to distract them from thinking about it. Just hold their hand and ride the waves with them, unless they handle it better alone, in which case you can support them from the sidelines. Please know that every day presents new obstacles for a survivor. Also know that every day you wake up, and the pain isn't gone, is another shot straight to the gut. I promise you that there's nothing we wish more than to be healed and normal.

In all aspects of this relationship you will need to have endless patience. The healing process can last months, years or decades. The survivor has no control over the reaction he or she will have to stressors in life. There is no list of symptoms, description of cures, or emergency heal-all plan for this process. Loving a survivor is difficult in many ways but above all it is difficult because it is forever changing. There are many negative thoughts and feelings that linger after abuse and each one of them will threaten future relationships. It will often feel as though your friend/lover is pushing you away. In fact, he/she may be pushing you away. Maybe it seems as though they are putting you through some fucked up set of tests. Chances are, whether consciously or subconsciously, they are trying to see if you mean it. They need to know just how sure you are that you want to get involved in their life. They may try some really tough things, but these things will pale in comparison to the kinds of things you may experience later in the relationship. Survivors know exactly how hard it is to love them. We are aware of every layer of armor, every wall, every trap we've set up around ourselves. We have been hurt in some of the most delicate ways and as much as we crave the love and attention, our fear of abuse is equally strong. The line between good and bad has been blurred so far that we are having to re-learn. Things we love, words we treasure, blood we share has all been used against us and we are still figuring out where that ends and real love starts. I won't say that we're sorry. I won't say that it should be easier. I won't say that it will always go the way you want it to.

What I will say is this: Every moment you spend breaking down the walls is a moment of healing. Every tear shed on your shoulder is a little growth. Every secret shared is an immeasurable amount of trust. Whether you are friends or lovers, whether it lasts or not, it is always worth it to love a survivor. The World is filled with so many broken souls. Love is always worth it. Healing, growth, and rebuilding are always worth it.